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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out?

49 replies

SilverdaleGlen · 30/09/2017 16:48

Planning on going out for max 3 hours. Friend coming to babysit I have said kids can stay up until I'm back (c.10pm).

DD1 has always hated me going anywhere. She's currently screaming and throwing things and I've tried to talk her down but she says I sont know how people treat her and she will only be looked after by family.

She's had an issue with another friend whose kid she doesn't like (well when she is babysittting fine at school Hmm ) so I thought asking someone else would fix this. But she clearly hates everyone. Other two have never had an issue with anyone.

She's had a bit of a traumatic time with a marriage breakdown so a bit of me thinks I should just stay home.

Friend says I give in this time and she's learnt she can get away with this.

Would you go or stay?

OP posts:
pickleface · 30/09/2017 16:50

I think your friend is right. I think you should go

PinkHeart5913 · 30/09/2017 16:52

You can’t stay home forever incase your dd doesn’t like it, Your be gone just 3 hours your not abandoning her for all eternity.

I bet the marriage breakdown has been bloody tough on you as well as your dd, so why shouldn’t you get 3 hours to yourself.

I’d go

Sirzy · 30/09/2017 16:53

If she is old enough to stay up until 10pm she is old enough to accept that you are going out for a few hours!

Santawontbelong · 30/09/2017 16:54

Your dc needs to know who is the adult here - and that you are entitled to leave the house to see friends. I bet dc does!!

Original poster
SilverdaleGlen · 30/09/2017 16:55

She's 8, and she's just hit her sister in the eye with a toy, said she hates her life, her house and everyone in it.

I'm tempted to chuck her out in the rain instead. FML. I'm going to see a man who has asked me out. Starting to think it's not bloody worth it.

OP posts:
Groovee · 30/09/2017 16:55

My Dd hated me going out too. But I went because she needed to learn that sometimes I wouldn’t be there. It came in handy for when I landed up in hospital having emergency surgery as she was less traumatised than we thought she would be.

ShitOrBust · 30/09/2017 16:55

What age is she?

Crispsheets · 30/09/2017 16:56

Go.
Let her know she can tantrum as much as she wants, she doesn't call the shots

Original poster
SilverdaleGlen · 30/09/2017 16:56

She's 8

OP posts:
Sirzy · 30/09/2017 16:56

I would give her two choice - either she behaves herself and she can stay up or she goes to bed at 6.30 before you go out.

As long as your friend is happy to deal with her grumpiness then go and have fun!

Original poster
SilverdaleGlen · 30/09/2017 16:59

I've already said that Sirzy apparently she doesn't care. I've told her she goes out, she has a sleepover next week and pointed out she's going out and I'm not having a tantrum! She doesn't care about that either.

I'd cancel but it's not fair on the other girl Angry

Why do I feel guilty? Ex DH doesn't feel guilty fucking off for weeks on end??

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 30/09/2017 16:59

I'd say you deserve some time for yourself and if you give in to her you're teaching her that if she stamps her feet enough you will do what she wants.

Justdontknow4321 · 30/09/2017 16:59

I'd 100% still go.

Sirzy · 30/09/2017 17:01

I would be tempted to tell her any problems and she won’t be going to the sleepover then!

PotteringAlong · 30/09/2017 17:03

Tell her you'll Cancel the sleepover. If She doesn't like you not being there then she needs to stay with you. She cannot have it both ways.

PalmerViolets · 30/09/2017 17:04

Have you looked into any kind of help for her? It could be separation anxiety, exacerbated by marriage breakdown.

PalmerViolets · 30/09/2017 17:05

Just seen she's happy to go on sleepover so not that then. That'll teach me to not rtft!

Sandycarrots · 30/09/2017 17:07

Do you think she is being stroppy on purpose? Or is she genuinely anxious about you going? If latter, she could be demonstrating the fight bit of the flight or flight response. If she has been traumatised by your marriage break up, then she could have all sorts of insecurities about one parent leaving, being (as she sees it) the older child "left in charge" or you potentially bonding with someone else other than her father etc.

In which case, talk to her about her worries, reassure her, tell her that this time you will be back in two hrs and stick to it. Tell her you will ring her after one hour and stick to it. Tell her you will read her a story when you get back if she's been good, and stick to it. If she is anxious, those things will genuinely reassure her and next time it will be easier.

Anecdoche · 30/09/2017 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShitOrBust · 30/09/2017 17:09

No way. Go out. She'll just have to manage without you for a few hours.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2017 17:09

Absolutely go.
This is utterly unacceptable behaviour from an 8 yo.
Do not bow down to this.

honeyroar · 30/09/2017 17:10

Go out! She can't control your life. This will do her no good. Whatever goes on in her life she needs to learn that you can go out for a few hours and will come back and everything will be the same. And also that tantrums don't work. She needs clear, consistent boundaries.

Sandycarrots · 30/09/2017 17:12

Sorry xpost re: sleepover info. But at a sleepover, there is still a parent in charge, so it doesn't totally rule out anxiety although perhaps less likely. Do eight year olds deliberately want to make things difficult for their parents just for the sake of it? (Genuine question.). A desperate need to be in control might still indicate anxiety.

PalmerViolets · 30/09/2017 17:15

Yes sandy, you've put it much better than me!

Mittens1969 · 30/09/2017 17:16

No I don't think an 8 year old is able to think like that. It probably is separation anxiety, my DD1 gets like that sometimes when it comes to time for her to go into school in the morning. But boundaries are even more important at times like that, I think.