To be concerned about 3.5yo dd's separation anxiety

[Doublegloucester]

I've posted about this before but dd's anxiety is getting worse not better, at nursery (where she's been going for a year) and at a hobby she does. She can be thrilled about going to her hobby and then we get there and she just clings to me and wails.

So far, I've just made her go in anyway and she does stop crying quite quickly, but the amount of trauma it seems to cause her when I leave is quite upsetting and it's not great that all the other children are witnessing it too.

On one hand I want to pull her out of the things that are upsetting her but what happens when she goes to school?

Is there any mh support I can access for a 3yo?!! I was a very anxious child and it made things very hard, I don't want the same to happen to her. I have done my best to monitor my behaviour in case I am somehow passing anxiety onto her subconsciously but perhaps it's genetic?

So aibu to be worried? Tia...

I think this is quite common for that age so wouldn't worry about it at all. Mine has had things he loved going to and then not wanted to do and I don't force him if he doesn't want to

How quickly does she stop crying once you've gone? Does she cry in this way if her dad, or granny, drop her off?

If she genuinely looks forward to the activities and enjoys them once she's there and is only briefly upset at the moment you leave (however heartfelt the upset in that moment) then I would not worry at all. That said, I don't think either nursery or activities are necessary preparation for school and it would be fine to drop them if you'd like to.

When she does go to school it might be wise to plan with the teacher how you will handle drop offs to minimise the stress and upset (to you).

I empathise completely. Sounds like you're doing the right things, if she looks forward to the hobby. My DD has been the same with birthday parties and all extracurricular things. Weirdly, she was fine going to school. Lots of stress related bad behaviour every afternoon after school, but went in just fine. I was so grateful for the half days, really did help her to settle.

I am struggling to get any help for my DD's (she's 10 now) anxiety/possibly other issues but I'm trying. I'd go to the Gp or health visitor and ask for a referral. It's likely you won't get one, but if you do, the waiting time will be so long, it's worth getting on the list now.

For now, could you try the anxiety gremlin books? You can get them on amazon and they're great. Not sure if they have one for a preschool age, but definitely worth looking.

My daughter sounds very similar. She has always found it very distressing to be apart from me. It is a developmental stage that some children find far more challenging than others. It is just a stage though. as she gets older and more emotionally nature she will deal with things differently. We stopped the hobbies that caused so much stress and upset. My daughter made the decision that she would start again when she is 4. So we did and she was absolutely fine. Partly because that 6 months ment she had more awareness and sense of self. party because she had made the decision and 4 was obviously much more grown up! It is much harder with things she has to do like pre school if you are working.
How is she at home if you are in a different room? or at a friends house, will she play with other children when you are out of sight? Is she unhappy for the whole session or is it just when you leave
some nice books are Lola starts pre school, oh my darling little one, and the invisible string. I can dig them out if you want author's details.
Dont worry about school yet. still 20% of her life to grow and develop before she starts. My 4.5 year old has just started and honestly bears on resemblance at all to the timid, needy, insecure little girl she was this time last year.

My niece was just like this, to the point where she would bang on the toilet door wailing if DSil wasn’t in the room. She’s now 13 and a brave, strong, independent teenager - still quite sensitive and prone to worrying, but that’s just part of who she is. It hasn’t done her any harm in the long run at all. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things.

Thanks for the reassurance and book recommendations.

She seems to stop crying after about 5 mins, though she wouldn't join in her hobby this morning and just watched the others for most of the session.
She's worse when I do drop off, though not great with daddy too.

She will play with her friend when I'm out of sight and when she's at home or with people close to her she's very outgoing.

I guess it has been concerning me more lately as it's been a whole year of nursery and it hasn't improved at all - hopefully it is just a very long developmental stage..