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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about my daughter?

22 replies

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 29/09/2017 23:49

She's 2. Will be 3 in January. She goes to nursery three days per week. Always goes in happily in th morning, we never have battles to get her there or anything. When I pick her up in the evening she's always playing away happily. Nursery staff seem to genuinely love her. There are never any issues.

She's always delighted to see me when I pick her up. However, over the past couple of weeks her behaviour on leaving the nursery has been awful. Tantrums, shouting, crying. Not wanting to talk. I ask her "did you have a good day?" "NO! I don't want to talk about the day!".

I've been slightly worried about the fact that she doesn't have a particular, special friend. However, she seems to get on fine with everyone, gets invited to parties although doesn't really play with the kids she knows from nursery, she plays with me/DH or just by herself. Nursery said this isn't anything to worry about as she is still young and that's quite normal (is it?). They said she will socialise quite the thing but she also spends a lot of time drawing during free play. She is quite shy I guess.

Tonight when she came home she said "I've got no friends". I made light of it, said, of course you do! And named some of the kids she plays with, her cousin of the same age who she loves etc. But I feel so sad about it.

It is this, coupled with the tantrums etc in the past few weeks that's are worrying me. Is she unhappy, tired, I have no idea. Nursery have said no issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 29/09/2017 23:51

Sorry I meant to say that it seems to me that all the girls in her room seem to have "special friends" and she doesn't. I was a loner as a child and I feel sick about the prospect of her being the same.

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littlepeas · 29/09/2017 23:54

It's hard for you to hear her saying these things but I suspect she's probably alright. Tantrums are very typical of a two year old, nothing to worry about. At two friendships are very fluid and they are still really playing alongside one another, rather than genuinely together. I wouldn't worry for now, just lots of love and security at home and keep an eye on things.

seventhgonickname · 29/09/2017 23:57

She only 2,it is normal for children this age.If she's having tantrums leaving and not going to nursery then I wouldnt worry.You will just have to weather the tantrums ,they too are part of being this age.
I dont thing my dd had real friends until she was about 4.

Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 29/09/2017 23:58

I don't mind the tantrums. They are of course to be expected. I just worry they're happening because she's feeling sad and doesn't know how to express it.

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WorraLiberty · 30/09/2017 00:00

You may have been a loner as a child, but she's still a baby/toddler and there is plenty of time in the coming years for her to make friends.

In my experience, toddlers don't really make 'friends', they just tend to mix with those who they can tolerate more than others, due to fewer personality clashes/struggles over taking turns.

In fact I'd question why a 2 year old toddler even thought to say "I've got no friends"?

Do they even know what the word 'friends' actually means?

Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 30/09/2017 00:01

Worra that's exactly what my DH said. Why did she even think to say that, where did she get it from? I am so careful about not voicing any of these worries to her. I ask her questions like who did you play with today, but I don't make a big thing of it.

I really don't know.

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steppemum · 30/09/2017 00:02

2 year olds play alongside other children, not with them, and often prefer to play with adults.

At 3 they are just beginning to learn how to share and play together, but it is a process. By the time they start school they should be able to play together with other children well.

If she is feeling left out though, I would speak to staff and ask if they can help her join in. But to be honest your description of them playing together as special friends, and he worrying about having a friend doesn't sound like kids who are not yet 3. Are these other kids older?

cowbag1 · 30/09/2017 00:04

Ds1 is the same age and is a very sociable child but has no special friends in particular. He plays with everyone at nursery and mentions lots of different children bit doesn't speak about anyone i particular. In fact, I'd be more concerned if he did home in on one person. Where has your dc picked the "no friends" phrase up from?

Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 30/09/2017 00:04

Not really. She is one of the younger ones in the room for sure, but there's only a matter of months in it. It's a 2-3 room (but they tend to get moved up between 3 and 3.5)

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rightnowimpissed · 30/09/2017 00:05

TBH she sounds exactly like my son he doesn’t ever say anything about the other kids in his class but according to the teachers he’s the most popular one in the class.

Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 30/09/2017 00:05

I hav absolutely no idea cowbag

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Lindy2 · 30/09/2017 00:10

I find children who are best friends at 2 are often friends simply because their mums are friends and they see a lot of each other. It's got nothing to do with ability to socialise, popularity etc. It's mostly just frequency of contact.

MillicentFawcett · 30/09/2017 00:13

I think that's a very odd thing for a child that age to say. Have you been asking her about it?

Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 30/09/2017 00:16

I ask her things like "who did you play with today?" "What did you do?" "Who do you like at nursery?" But I've never asked her about having no friends etc. She's recently been talking about "best friends" (again from nowhere) she told me that her cousin was her best friend, then she said daddy was also her best friend. I wonder if they've been talking about it at nursery.

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Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 30/09/2017 00:18

Lindy that makes a lot of sense actually. She gets on so well with her cousin. She sees a lot of him and they've always been together.

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Bubblebubblepop · 30/09/2017 00:20

Nurseries usually refer to other children as "friends" ime-

"Go and sit with your friends" (the rest of the class
"We had an incident today where child bit one of their friends" (any child)
"Play nicely with your friends" (everyone)

Could that be where she gets it from?

Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 30/09/2017 00:23

It could be, bubble they do that in her nursery. I'm not sure where the "best friends" stuff comes from.

I do sometimes think she seems very young compared to some of the girls in her room. She's still in nappies, for example. But I'm not worried about that so much. She'll get there.

I love your name. My daughter is always singing about Tiny Tim and loves the bubble bubble pop bit.

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Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 30/09/2017 00:40

I wonder, should I organise a play date with one of the wee girls in her room? Would that help?

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User24689 · 30/09/2017 01:05

I have a 2 year old (bit younger, she was only 2 in August) She doesn't really have friends yet but plays alongside others. She is also shy and would never go and play with others at parties, she will find something to play with and okay by herself/ with me. She has kids she calls her friends and asks to see them (children of my friends) but then when we get there often doesn't actually want to speak to them!

In my DDs nursery they also refer to the group as 'friends' so she often goes in in the morning saying 'see friends?'. She has no understanding of what a friend is and would never be able to consider whether she had a 'best' friend or how good her friendships were. It does sound a strange thing for a 2 year old to say and I wonder if an older child has told her this and shes repeating it?

Definitely wouldn't worry about the tantrums, par for the course. Also on leaving nursery they are tired and possibly hungry. Mine often comes out happy and then loses it in the car over absolutely nothing!!

Original poster

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 30/09/2017 08:23

upthewolves you could be describing my daughter. That's exactly what she's like.

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MillicentFawcett · 30/09/2017 08:32

Your daughter sounds perfectly normal. She's too young for play dates, honestly. You could speak to her nursery if you need assurance but really I think you're worrying over nothing (and I mean that kindly)

User24689 · 30/09/2017 23:35

Emily I have posted on here about my daughter before because I've worried about whether she is "normal" - I am quite generally anxious though! I have been reassured time and again by people who meet her that she's fine, it's just her personality. I think she's going to be a shy person. Usually if friends come to the house, even ones she sees fairly regularly, she is silent for the first 20 mins or so. I have some acquaintances who have never heard her speak but she's a right chatterbox! The other thing is she's a runner, and if we go to a park or something to meet people she can get really silly and run really far away then turn around and come back and do it in the other direction. It's like she uses that to deal with feeling overwhelmed (particularly difficult atm as I'm 35 weeks pregnant) She will develop better coping mechanisms when she's older I'm sure.

I like to say my DD is just a bit quirky. Yours may be too and it may be that other older children have picked up that she is quieter/ likes her own company and said that she doesn't have friends? To be honest my biggest worry is how other kids react to my DD because I know kids dont always react well to those who behave a bit differently. I do think these differences are more pronounced at this age because they have fewer inhibitions so just do what they feel like so if they don't feel like talking to anyone at a party they don't see why they should bother!

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