Worst year of my life and friends drop me

[jayne1384]

Hey, not sure if I'm being overly sensitive but if you don't mind reading my story and let me know what you think,

I got married last year had 5 best friends as bridesmaids! Some of them I've been friends with for over 10 years, we all work shifts or live in a different town, and have our own lives obv,
but 8 months after my wedding I lost my baby at the 20 weeks scan, my life fall apart, I didn't leave the house for 3 weeks apart from to go to the little funeral, I had to quit my job and I just clung to my husband, now it's been 5 months and I've pulled myself together somewhat, it's still really raw, however thinking back! Where were my friends apart from 1 of them I've not seen the others, I obv got the thinking of you messages straight after and a few missed calls , I've spoken to one other quite a bit, but apart from 1 never have any of them offered to see me, take me out, or just be with me. I know ppl don't know what to say, but these were my friends these were the girls! I feel abit miffed that I would have to actually have to tell them, they haven't been good friends , I hate confutation, but wibu to tell them they haven't been good friends?
But what would that achieve? I think it's to late now? They've had over 5 months to show it! I'm 31 and feel that I've lost most my friends in the worst year of my life.

I've also just found out that I'm very recently pregnant, I've no one to tell, and I don't think I want to tell them even if they ever did ring me as, it's easy to be happy for someone but not so when there life is falling apart . I want to make new Friends now but how do i do that!

Sorry for long post, suppose my question is , should I tell them I feel hurt, or pull my big girl pants on xx

YANBU, that's hurtful and they don't sound like very good friends.
Do they have children? If they don't, they probably won't be as compassionate as they have no idea of the agony you are feeling. If they do, they are just shit friends

You spoke to them. Did u offer to meet up. In that situation I'd be giving you loads of space and waiting for you to make first move when you were ready

One had somthing similar to me, but she was further along,a few years ago, I literally put my life on hold and was there for her any time of the day and would drop things and go visit her take her out, even just walk the dog with her, think that's what hurts the most as she hasn't even asked! She does live an hour away, but really! I never had excuses I went out of my way for her xx

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I went through a very similar experience a few years ago and my friends seemed to disappear on me. Once I was able to get out of the house without having a cry I met with all of them and asked where they went. They were gutted, they thought because I didn't call and give them the OK they couldn't just drop by on me, couldn't just call me or text me. After I ignored probably about four or five of each of their calls they (rightly so) thought I wanted to be left alone.

In hindsight I probably wouldn't have been much fun, but even having them sit and watch TV in bed with me would have been a small comfort. We decided to never let this happen again, if any of ever had a traumatic experience we would just show up and unless explicitly told to leave we would just sit. I had my little boy a few years later and they were all there, pretty much everyday doing my housework!

Anyway, maybe (I hope so) it's something similar for you? Talk to them, tell them how you feel. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy! Congratulations! X

I'd be hurt. Out of 5, no one made the extra mile to make sure you were ok. Even if they didn't know what to say, they should have said something.

However, if they're really good mates, give them some leeway. If they've never been pregnant they won't understand.

Oh sorry, a bit of a x post, took me ages to type.

I also think I'm abit old to be having crappy friends when it comes to things like this, apart from the 1 that bothered and another girl I know and my husband I don't know how I would I got thru this, not sure I'll have the guts to tell them, but at the moment I don't hear from them anyway so no difference really, thanks for reading xx

The friend who also had the loss, perhaps she couldn't have coped with reliving it and wouldn't have been any use to you.

To my shame, an acquaintance/neighbour's little girl was killed, she was the same age as mine, we often saw each other in the park etc. I avoided her. I didn't know if seeing me with my little girl would upset her etc. I thought about her constantly, i still do and can picture her DD. I just didn't know what to do.

So approach them with your news and explore why they didn't get in touch. As said they might have been giving you space.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Giving people the benefit of the doubt I get that sometimes people literally don't know what to say or do at times like that and it's possible that they have wanted to give you space to grieve... albeit that it has in fact come across as them not bothering.

However, by the same token, I experienced some of my so-called "friends" running for the hills during one of the toughest times in my life - and I'm a believer that you find out who your true friends are when you're going through bad times. Even if you don't know what to say or do really, is it that difficult to just say "I'm so sorry, I'm here for you...". One would hope that a good friend would manage at least that. It hurts when people who are supposed to be friends seemingly vanish when you're going through hell. I totally get that.

I wish I had some better advice... but put your energies towards the people who HAVE been there for you - don't chase people. I've done enough of that in my life and no more.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! :-)

I went through a similar thing when my father died suddenly of a heart attack and then two years later when my mother died from breast cancer. I was in my twenties at the time and was the first of my group of friends to go through the loss of a parent. I honestly think some friends just didn’t know what to say or do, so did nothing. It’s true that you really find out who your friends are at times like this.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you all the best.

OP Congratulations on your pregnancy my dear
YANBU regarding your so called friends they sound shallow and selfish to me
As I get older I realise I have only 3 really close friends who I would trust with my life and you know what it is far better to have 3 friends like these than a gaggle of the other type
I also think the very late miscarriage you suffered has upset you so much you are still reeling from it and you need to take care of yourself but think of it like this you know where you are with the other 'friends; when they come calling when they are in need of your hand to hold well they can all bugger off soon you will have a dc of your own and won't even be concerned about the stupid shallow idiots!

Your friend that had a similar loss may of found it to hard on her own MH, watching someone else go through the same thing can bring up alot of old feelings that you'd tried to bury

Thanks for your help and advice, I agree ppl don't know what to say, but I think that's fine when it's your neighbour or work colleague, when it's your sodding bridesmaids and friends of ten years then I don't think there is much excuse, I didn't want them to say anything anyway, just distract me from the darkest hole I was in! I think I'm abit hormonal as I seem bothered more than normal today, angry even. So I best not send any messages at the moment I'll just wait it out, xx

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I don't know what it is that makes 'friends' do this. My best friend stopped speaking to me when my mum died. I last spoke to her when I told her my mum had died and that was it...radio silence after that. No response to my message about the funeral or anything. I will never forgive her. I don't give a crap if she didn't know what to say to me, you don't do that to a friend. You just don't.

Sign up for pregnancy yoga/classes etc and you will soon make new friends.

Very sorry about your baby and that your friends weren't supportive in the ways you would have appreciated.

People very, very often avoid people going through difficult things. It's not OK, but happens a lot.

Length of friendship / having been a bridesmaid doesn't really mean much, unless the friendships had previously been tested through real life / death / bad stuff.

The one who had the late loss too might have found it too upsetting to see a friend go through similar. Also, if she has DC (?) an hour away is a long way IMO.

Hi Jayne and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. My family also experienced the loss of a child. We found that family and friends divided into two camps. Those who were absolutely fantastic and those whom we no longer have any contact, including some family members who had been in our lives since birth.

My advice would be do not look back, those people will not enrich your life. I would not waste a single thought on them...

Listening skills! I'm so sorry to hear that she blanked you after your sad news, that's awful, I just think do these friends not think we will realise that they haven't been there , makes me feel stupid that valued their friendship so much where they are able to take or leave mine,

The one that had something similar, it happened 4 years ago, not that she will ever get over it, but I don't think it shud I'd stopped her coming down for a cup of tea and a chat about anything , she's managed to be there for ppl who have had babies since and make time for ppl x

I'm so sorry you've gone through this OP. I went through similar a few years ago and I found people fell into 3 roles - the stalwarts who were there for me (often people who had been though a mc plus my sisters), the ones who found it too hard to deal with themselves and so looked away, and the ones who didn't get it and thought I'd be over it in a week.

None of them are in the wrong, people just really struggle to deal with MCs. Because it's talked about so little people either find it hugely distressing and shocking, or they think it's nothing to worry about. It's such a "common" thing (is it 1/3 of pregnancies end in mc?) but people hardly ever talk about it.

I get that you feel let down by your friends but don't lose their friendship over this. Instead, talk to them openly about it and how your mc made you feel. Maybe then when someone else is going through one they will react in a more helpful way and be more supportive.

Good luck with your new pregnancy OP. I'm just feeding my rainbow baby to sleep whilst I'm typing this 🌈

YANBU. They sound like shitty friends OP. As we grow up, we do sometimes drift apart from friends ... but I can't imagine not knowing about this if you were one of my close friends. Nor would I, even if I did know, avoid you

PS - congratulations

I would be hurt but I think you have to remember that sometimes when you are hurting a lot you inadvertently push people away so that they don't know how to respond to you.

Coupled with that, they may have felt awkward around you and not known what to say. When a little bit of time goes by it then gets harder and harder to get back in touch particularly when you know you have behaved a bit badly.

I fell out with my best friend when I had my first child. She didn't have children and didn't seem particularly interested. I was hurt she wasn't interested so didn't contact her. The reality was I was experiencing something she hadn't so found difficult to relate to and I allowed us to loose contact too. I took 18 months to tell her how pissed off I was and she was so apologetic about the whole thing which helped me understand it from her perspective.

I've been bit crap with her children since she had them so to be honest it cuts both ways and you don't always behave how you think you would. But we have cleared the air and she is still my best friend.

Try and get back in contact. And try and clear the air in a non-accusatory fashion. I think these things are not always cut and dried and you may find they have missed you very much and thought of you often.

I don't think it's necessarily that friends without children can't understand a loss, though I agree that those with children empathise on a different level. I've had several miscarriages over the last few years and my best friends (none of whom had children) were amazing and in constant contact, checking as to how I was and whether I needed anything. It was the best friend with a child who avoided me. We've talked since and she's acknowledged that she didn't visit often because she didn't think I would want to be around a child. She was right, to an extent, but it still hurt that she wasn't around. We've cleared the air now but the friendship isn't as close as it once was.

Conversely, one of the aforementioned best mates lost a parent quite suddenly this year. She commented that there were quite a few people who just disappeared, apparently not knowing what to say. When we met, I simply acknowledged that I didn't have the experience to understand how she was feeling, or the words to make her feel better, but I was there for her whenever she needed me. I think sometimes, people want to be able to make you feel better but don't know how, so they avoid rather than accidentally offend.

I had this when we lost my dh brother . 2 people I thought were good friends . They sent texts asking if it was him who died because it was on the news that's all no phonecall or follow up . Luckily I have 2other great friends who actually supported me through it . My neighbour even called to my house and offered any help she could . These are the people who gave a shit despite their own problems . I've never forgotten this . It's only been 18 months but I can't imagine I'll ever bother with the other 2 outside of liking a Facebook post .

I obv got the thinking of you messages straight after and a few missed calls
Maybe they thought that as you weren't taking calls / returning calls you didn't want to talk about it and would prefer the space to grieve? And the friend who'd been through the same - coping with friends since who've had babies is different to supporting a friend who's lost one because it would bring back the feelings more intensely.
People aren't good at knowing what to say and do. I had that when I lost a sibling - phone calls straight after but once the funeral was over, nada. It's just the way it is. Some people get it, some don't. Don't beat them up for it.

I’ve supported 3 friends through traumatic times and each time I became unwell. I tend to absorb their pain/grief etc. It took me a while to get back to my normal self each time and so now, I have to take more of a back seat