How can I make myself more socially acceptable?

[WellThisIsShit]

I am fat, ugly and can't walk far. I'm also obviously in pain a lot. Please tell me how can I make myself less revolting to people?

I'm not sure if it's the wheels, the ugliness or the fat that disgusts people most. I guess it's the whole package.

People find it socially acceptable to exclude me, ignore me or be rude to me. I never know when I'll encounter this hatred and repulsion. It happens all to often. Sometimes in front of my child.

People think it's fine to be repulsed by my form and though partially disguise it to my face, they are happy to discuss it openly with other 'normal' people.

How can I get people to treat me like a human?

I'm sorry OP but I'm not sure you can fix people who are assholes. It's them that's the problem, not you.

Is this in response to that other thread?

In a more direct answer to your post, you could bust your gut losing weight and working on yourself and trying to become more socially acceptable, but they'd still be assholes.

Look on it as a sorting method; you can instantly see which people are dicks.

You should not have to do anything. You are human of course. They on the other hand....

Who does this? I don't know anyone who would even think of behaving like this? Sorry OP, no idea how to change these nasty individuals.

People can be unbelievable arseholes at times. And in some circles that's considered socially acceptable which makes the concept somewhat over rated if you ask me. Fuck 'em and just carry on being yourself

It occurs to me that I'd like to know what exactly about me means people are revolted by me. Because maybe I can try and cover that bit up.

Because it's ok to say it's not my problem it's theirs. But it's not, not really. I have to live trapped in this body and hurting by the way people react to my ugliness and difference.

Other people get to walk away from it:

You poor woman, this is like the other side of a thread running where the OP finds someone unpleasant to her eyes.

The absolutely honest answer is what these other posters have written, and in an ideal world that would all be fine.

But you seem to have an appetite to make some changes. Do you think they would make you feel better? If they do and your confidence and inner "fuck you" cam come through then it is worth doing.

Where would you start?

I really feel your pain op. It's easy to say it's their problem not yours isn't it? Could you try focussing on one part of you like your hair and get a new haircut/try new colour or products? Then move to another area like your hands and get a manicure or a DIY one? Perhaps being kinder to yourself might boost your esteem and help you to cope a bit better?
I have very low esteem and it's hard work trying to be nicer to myself but it's gradually working.

Fat people encounter a lot of disgust. Disabled people who do not look disabled in an acceptable photogenic way, also encounter a lot of disgust. Unfortunately you are experiencing both.
Although I don't have any solutions at all.

I like to think that comments and behaviours like those boil down to other peoples insecurities. I understand how hard it is to have unwelcome comments and behaviours all the times and it can be really wearing
Just try and focua on the fact they have the problem not you. They are insecure selfish pricks not you. And if it brings them joy to their miserable lives to make someone feel like shit well atleast you are a better person by a thousand than them.

I haven't namechanged back yet and missed the bunfight on the other thread but OP, you are a good person and not ugly.

Easy for me to say I know, when people do it in front of your children you need to think, 'fuck off, I have as much right to be here as anyone else'.

You can feel it when people try to cover their revulsion too. I find that type of person worse to deal with.

The world is changing though. One day, I hope society will treat people who prejudice against others for their looks like they treat racism and homophobia. It hurts as much and causes irreparable mental health damage.
for you xx

Honestly OP, there are a lot of pretty horrible people about, who somehow kid themselves they are nice

I'm with you, OP - I'm fat and disabled as well: I just try to feel good that at least I make other people feel superior to me. And, as PP have commented, it's handy to know from the outset that people are twats.

Thanks

It's really hard when people seem to think their nastiest prejudices are acceptable. And condoned by other people, and society.

And obviously, for me, it's not just theoretical, or a bit of harmless fun to laugh about and self justify. It hurts me, so so much. And I can't shake it off. Can't say 'oh it's their problem'. I wish I could. But these people pop up everywhere, and they have the power to effect me, and do such harm. Their casual cruelty leaves marks, and it's so rare for anyone to pick them up on it.

I used to be, well, beautiful (given good makeup and clothes in soft light!), and have the great job, friends and a husband. I used to be vivacious, and gesticulate a lot, use my whole body to communicate and just, live life. I used to be funny, and capable, and sensitive, and independent. I made people happy. People liked me, not everyone, but enough.

I used to be a whole person. And above all, I fitted in, as a human being. People looked at me and thought 'she's like me'. Normal. Never thought it was such a desirable thing.

And 6 years ago my life changed forever. I got ill, and now I have scars, and blemishes, and I can't move normally. I can't be graceful, or bouncy, I can't dance, I can't smile without it hurting. My defectiveness shows up on every movement I make, the way I have to haul myself around, the effort and jerkiness of just trying to stand up. The ugly walk. The sheer effort each movement takes. Reaching out to pick something up. Can't sit down on a picnic blanket to join people. Can't sit up without support.

I can't be myself. I can't show myself through the way I act, the way I walk, the way I talk.

I have had so much taken from me. My life. My future. My career. My family, most of my friends.

But the worst thing, the thing that has broken me, is I've had myself ripped away from me.

I do need to find myself again, if I exist under this load of crap. Who knows what's left. Or if I can make anything new.

So when people see me, and judge me on my ugly body and failure to pass as normal, they're just confirming the reality I guess. I am different. I fail to pass muster as a person.

I'm so sorry, OP, I did worry that the other thread might cause offence to other people on the site. It was a very thoughtless thing to do to write that thread.

Overweight people are looked down on, it shouldn't happen but it does. I'm a yoyo dieter, I'm at a lowish weight right now but a few months ago I was obese. Last year, I was completely mortified when my DD2 told me that one of her school friends had said that her mum had called me 'fat'. I was overweight and I laughed it off but it really did sting. It wasn't as if I was bringing up my DDs to be overweight as well, they're both really slim and healthy.

But we're all worth the same, OP, whatever our shapes, whether disabled or not. Don't ever think you don't 'pass muster' as a person, you're still you and a worthwhile human being. If people judge you, it's them who don't 'pass muster' not you.

I can sympathise with that. I'm fat due to medical issues. It's bad enough having constant comments and looks when I eat in public (usually surprise that I eat salad), but random nasty judgements about my appearance aren't exactly fun. The pharmacist asked me if I was sure I was pregnant the other day, about 5 months along and with a copy of my maternity exemption card to hand.

I'm also balding due to bad genetics and PCOS. If I grow my hair out people tell me I'm ugly or ask me if I'm diseased / have tried XYZ shampoo, and if I shave it off or cut it short I get treated rudely like I'm some sort of thug and literally have shop assistants following me around stores eyeing me suspiciously. I can't win unless I hide myself under a wig or hat which is not comfortable and really shouldn't be necessary.

I think the worst reaction was when I had a couple of men yell at me on the street that I was disgusting and should go get married somewhere else on my wedding day. Mostly I feel sorry for them that they're so messed up that they feel the need to be such utter bastards, but I'm not sure it's something I'm ever going to be able to forget.

I hope this a response to the other thread. I have been slim and fat and I do agree there is an element of at best being overlooked invisible oat worst that body check and slight flicker of disgust. It could be a subconscious think but it's almost like some people think they catch 'fat'.

I think you can work at changing your physical appearance, there are lots of ways to smarten yourself up, loose weight but that doesn't seem to be the issue here. It seems you need to work on your self esteem. You seem very low. Do you think you ha e depression?

Maybe look at setting yourself small goals. Look to loose a 5lbs in the next month, quite doable even being unable to work.
Look to join a book club, get your hair done, Phone/email one of the friends you have lost touch with - see how the land likes? Suggest meeting by for a coffee?
Small goals that are a start on tackling weight, appearance, a new social scene and trying to recconect with past friends. Please do look into some counselling. No one is ugly. No one should speak of another the way you speak about yourself.

I'm fat because I'm bed bound except on rare occasions, and can't prepare proper food. Not enough carer time means I have one meal a day, in bed, on a good day. I have to take anti-nausea tablets in plenty of time and can easily feel too ill to eat.

I eat crap because I can keep it next to my bed, and because I'm bloody miserable.

I cannot use buses because people make it too difficult (and upsetting). I cannot use the tube even if there was an accessible station nearby.

I have to be accompanied by a carer when making journeys where I need to book assistance on trains, because I cannot rely on assistance happening, due to the individuals on at the specific stations.

I can't even rely on being able to get to local stuff as people park over dropped kerbs and stop me.

Can you imagine what it feels like to have other people's (needless) behaviour stop me from going out on my own?

It's humiliating. A grown woman can't go out without a carer, because of the way others behave.

And the way people treat me as a mother... does not compute. I cannot be disabled AND a parent. A disabled person IS the dependent, therefore I cannot possibly have a child who is dependent on me.

You can see people literally twisting their faces up with the cognitive dissonance it creates. And doing everything to work out a way that my son can't possibly be my son.

On a good day, I point this out in a polite but firm way. Educating the world one by one, whilst dealing with everything else at the same time of course. On a bad way, it really fucking hurts. And no, it's not just random people on the street who behave like this. I've had a (quite junior) doctor refuse to believe I had parental responsibility. She asked me repeatedly, then went and asked my carer to sign because SHE must have parental responsibility for my son?!?!? The carer was extremely young and sitting out of earshot of the hosp appointment with the bags. The doc did reluctantly accept my signature but then wrote on the notes that DS other parent must be there on the day of surgery otherwise DS couldn't have the op. The abusive twat who we haven't seen for years and I don't even know his contact details... but he was regarded as the 'proper parent' as the cripple couldn't possibly be a proper mother.

Just one story out of so many.

The abusive carer who laughed and pointed at my body whilst I was naked. The way other parents push in front of me when I try to collect my child from school. The way an he director asked if I was mentally retarded because of my physical disability (using the hand gesture of circling a finger next to their temple as they asked). The van driver who shouted at me to 'do one' as his taxes were paying for me and I was benefit scum (I was still just managing to do my job at the time and was paying higher rate of tax, but a fat bitch in a wheelchair = benefit scum to him). The way a theatre manager tried to forced me into 'the disabled persons corner' for 2hrs before the open air performance... which was a bit of decking outside in the pouring rain! I wasn't allowed to go to the bar or order food for my child and me, just like all the other normal people could. I was a h&s risk to others ('I might run over their feet' apparently). The parents who refused to move their buggy so I could get on a train (for my sons one and only holiday), even though there was plenty of room to share. The hosp receptionist who accused me of trying to queue jump when I said I couldn't sit upright and stay conscious any longer & could she help / get help. She got angry, and told me that she ignored 'people like me' because we're always whining. I'd explained I needed to lie down rather urgently & what would happen if I couldn't, no idea why she was then surprised (& cross, of course), when I then fainted, vomited & lost control of my bowels on her nice clean floor. Bloody queue jumpers eh? Because of course that helped me see the doctor quicker (err, no it really didn't, as a queue jumping strategy it stinks!) Etc etc etc...

When you have stuff like that happen, then the casual prejudice of others on here or experienced in real life isn't just a bit upsetting.

These people can derail my whole life.

No matter that their actions are illegal, they can still do it and it takes a completely fit and healthy person to have the resources to battle this kind of thing effectively.

OP, your posts have brought tears to my eyes Some people are vile, some just thoughtless - and on some days, no matter how resilient you are, they get to you. It doesn't matter that you're worth a million of them, or that they'd be mortified if they realised - it still makes you cry