to not want to break my mums heart this Xmas (expat)

[nutnerk]

Context:
In the last year I have moved to a different country with my fiance. We are both very close to our families and have great relationships with them. We see his family once a week or so and I am in contact with my family almost every day through text or calls etc. We have both lived with each others parents for short stints whilst settling, and we both feel like part of each other's families. My family have come to visit me once over the summer and have plans to come again in October. I've been back home twice and going again in November for a weekend. I'm 25 and have lived away from home since I graduated and got a proper job. I know that they miss me lots, but they aren't inconsolable either!

My dilemma:
What the hell do I do for Christmas???? We were both with my family last year because we were about to move. This year I feel so torn. I feel like I should be with my family because I don't see them much compared to when I lived 30 miles away.. however, it would be much easier to stay here and it is sort of 'their turn'. My mum is really sentimental about xmas and goes really over the top, which makes it difficult. I have spent a Christmas day in this country before and I cried LOL

Me and my fiance are playing that 'i dont mind' game, but I really need to make the decision (he has allowed me to).

What would you do? I don't want to spend Christmas without my fiance!

Is it an option for your family to come to your new country so you could spend it with both families?

I think that if you are living in one country, you should spend Christmas in the other country.

Would you family come to you for Christmas?

Otherwise I think I would start an every other year routine now as if you get into the habit of going every year it soon becomes hard to break.

Every other year is only far, invite your mum to yours she then has a choice

I dont see why you cant spend xmas without your fiance if you already live together?

Presumably your mum is an adult and will be able to deal with you not being there every christmas

Invite your parents to you.

No brainier go home. This is your Christmas and it sounds like you prefer it with your mum.

Go home. It's your parents turn.

I would go home (your fiancé could stay with his family) and then maybe next year invite your parents to you.
I suppose part of growing up is that things change and you start your own traditions. But honestly in this case I would do what makes you happy.

Go home with your with or without oh, your parents will enjoy seeing you so much, the best present you could give them, and you see your oh's family of the time. It would be a no brainer for me.

Oh sorry I misread, it's not your mums 'turn'. However, you see your inlaws every week. It would make it more even.

Are children in your close future plans? I'd be keeping that in the back of my mind if I may have a baby next Christmas then would that change things for then, some people would be more likely to want to spend that time with their mother/family, while other people may think travelling is a no no then.

Do you know your Mum's feelings on this? Do you always want to be spending Xmas with one set of parents or another? If so, it probably does make sense to start the alternating pattern. If you go to your Mum's this year, it may be expected every year and while your future-IL's are nearby, they may get upset about always missing Xmas.

Alternately you could start a new tradition - were you engaged last Christmas? If not, this would be a good time to say "We'll spend Xmas together as a new family, just the two of us". If you have enough holiday, you could then go visit your Mum right before/after?

I must say that DH and I did that, and it has just made things so much simpler - no arguments, as we are on our own - but I also don't like my parents so much, and you may want to be with them on Xmas more.

It's your ILs turn!

Christmas is special, if you spent last Xmas with your parents, you should spend this Xmas with your DHs family.

If you miss your family, go back home more often, but not this Xmas

Oh god, don't do turns, because then turns will be a Thing, now and forever, and you'll never be able to get out of it. Seriously.

There is another thread about parents and Christmas. My parents live in the USA and have done for 35 years. I came back when I was nearly 18. In that time we have spent 4 Christmases together - 2 here and 2 there.

We see each other at different times of the year.

In all honesty there is so much pressure to make it special because its Christmas it causes more tension and its just not worth the hassle and expense of travel at Christmas too when you can see each other at other times!

As far as I am concerned DH and my kids are my family now and I would never pressurise my kids to have to come home for Christmas when they are older.

What do you want to do? It sounds like you want to go home, so do that, especially if your OH is supportive.

Agree with PP that it's not a good idea to get sucked into taking it in turns, otherwise this will be a thing, and it will last forever

Oh god this is us all over.
Also 25, parents now back in Switzerland. They had been in Dublin for 4 years and in Switzerland for 4 years before that.
My husbands family don't celebrate xmas. Mom is a JW so it's not sentimental here. We have a tree etc but this year as the same for the last 4 we are going to my parents. Thankfully now they are back in Switzerland my husband is more keen to go.

Can you celebrate NYE with the inlaws or how about a Christmas before you go back to your parents?

Try adding a baby into the mix!!!

Couldn't you have an early Christmas with your parents in November, such as early gifts and a Christmas dinner? The shops are already filling up with christmas stuff so you should be able to get everything by November.

I live in my DH's country which is a different country to my family. We always do 2 Xmases with the 2 families, but each year we alternate which family we spend actual Xmas day with and do an early or late Xmas with the other family. Works well for us.

Ur do might say its up to u.be careful though cuz how does his dp feel?are they actually thinking its their turn?
Do what's right for u both.
Could u invite both to urs?

I wouldn't get into the "turns" thing because that's difficult to break.

My instinct is that you should spend it with your family because you're in close contact with your ILs all year round.

I wouldn't get into the "turns" thing because that's difficult to break.

I disagree. Turns means that both lots of parents know where they are, neither should feel neglected.

If you go home to your Mum this Christmas, you need to tell her that you won't be there next year.

Stay at home and invite both families.

I hate the turns thing for adults. When do the next generation of couples get a turn at having Christmas in their own home?