Bloody Xmas plans

[TipsNotHacks]

Eugh Christmas plans... apologies in advance.

We don't have a particularly close relationship with DH's mother and stepdad, despite them being quite young (mid fifties) and the fact that they only live about 20 miles away. If I didn't initiate contact and have them over, we'd never see them. When we go to stay, she won't make an effort, never cooks for us etc. Not that she has to, but just for context.

(I only feel like I post about my bloody infertility on here) but ultimately it is a big part of our lives right now. We've been trying to have a baby for 4 years and have had 2 failed ivf cycles and two failed FET cycles in 12 months. That's not counting the Clomid, Gonal F cycles, my ovarian drilling and laparoscopy and the IUI we've had before and inbetween. In summary it's been devastating and stressful but we're surviving. MIL has been hopeless, she doesn't get it. Never enquires as to how we are, makes little jokes about it when we see her "come on you two, you need to get your skates on". DH has been very disappointed by this and I feel terrible for him.

My family have held us together and I don't know where we'd be without them. We spent the previous two xmases with them (one of which PIL's were away anyway). Fast forward to this year, MIL (who is retired and v much a lady of leisure) phoned DH v much out of the blue yesterday to ask if we wanted to spend Xmas with them. Obviously I am happy to keep the peace so we said yes. Anyway, today she's said "probably best if we come to you so stepdad can go off to see his mum (in a care home) in the evening". We live in between them and his mother. He visits his mum once in a blue moon, but never mind. AIBU to be really pissed off by this? I am absolutely exhausted juggling insane stress levels with a very pressured job (as does DH) and my last IVF left me extremely unwell and I am not fully recovered. I have hosted plenty in the past - Mother's Day, Boxing Day, Easter, etc etc etc and every time they come to ours I make an effort. I just feel a bit "make a fucking effort for us for a change". We haven't responded to the text. I have told DH I don't want to host for their 'convenience' when they haven't bothered all year. Wwyd???

So when they said do you want to spend Christmas with us, you just assumed it would be at theirs? Or was it stipulated it would be at theirs and now she has moved the goalposts?

If the former, I think you will have to suck it up.

If the latter, say you have to be away over Christmas because
so if you can't stay at theirs you will be going to your parents.

Good luck with the fertility issues

Thank you. DH said she said "would you like to come to ours?". Pretty explicitly set the expectation for us going to them. Now they realise it would be easier to stay at ours because not only would I cook and provide everything, but Stepdad can piss off all evening and leave me, DH and MIL on our todd. No thanks.

More than anything, I am disappointed that she doesn't factor in that we have had a hell of a time and I am not well and she is still willing for me to slog over Xmas. Believe me, she wouldn't help and she is tight AF.

Suggest you all go out for lunch...DH can tell them your not hosting because your both so knackered/busy whatever.....it doesn't work for you them coming over so if they don't feel like cooking why don't you all go out......

Besides, we are having Boxing Day at my mums with whole family and I want to arrive by 10am ideally on Boxing Day. They would stay all morning (have done this in the past so I am speaking from experience).

Avery - thanks. I did think that. But the petty side of me thinks get off YOUR arse for a change.

If thats what she said then definitely... say no you're not hosting this year no matter what - if she's tight then she'll probably say no to cost and you can then deicide whether t just have a lazy day you n dh or go to your parents...
If she baulks at all teh cooking - you can bring a pud from M&S

Tell them your just not up to it this year. You've had a really upsetting draining year and you just need to relax. You'll do it another year maybe.

Get your dh to reply with true honesty. ‘We are just not up to hosting, we’ve had a pretty shit year and need the Christmas break to rest and relax. I’m sure you understand.’
Best of luck with this and your fertility issues. It’s shit I know.

I think it's fair to say that it's been a draining year and that you're having a quiet one. Maybe suggest a pub lunch midway between you for the Friday night.

I guess being honest and saying you are too shattered to host Christmas this year just might be preferable to pretending you have to have asbestos removed from the downstairs loo

Yes, do that - get DH to explain you accepted an invitation to theirs as you have no intention of doing any Christmas cooking or hosting this year.

Don't let this woman get away with nonsense. Tell her directly that you agreed to spend Christmas with them only because she said she was hosting. Changing her mind and then inviting herself to your home to be catered to is not going to happen. Do not apologize or mince words. This woman has some nerve.

Yanbu. If you can't get out of it then either go out for xmas.lunch or serve up something easy ...i don't quite mean ready meals (but actually....).
Then tell them that younare leaving at x time on boxing morning so if they want to see you before you go, breakfast (cereal/toast) is at y time, otherwise they can get up later and lock up lwhen they leave

Thanks everyone.

Aquamarine - this is exactly how I feel! I put myself out for people all the time. 2 years ago I put on (if I do say so myself) a bloody good Boxing Day bonanza, think oysters, fillet beef, the works. I wanted to make it nice. Usually I enjoy it. But not this year. I would happily have them over if they'd been thoughtful to us and been a bloody parent to their son but they haven't. This is the only reason I am so angry.

I have provided endless evening of entertainment for these people in the past.

It's fine to say you're not up to it.

It's also fine if they strop about you saying you're not up to it, and/or not up to having overnight guests. You don't have to host Xmas for any reason, including "I don't feel like it".

I'd just reply saying "That won't work for us, we aren't up to hosting or having guests this year. I'm sure you understand. Did you want to meet for lunch in x location perhaps" and leave it at that.

If they strop, just keep repeating, "Yes, I know it's really disappointing for us too. We're just not up to it this year. Would x location work or do you want to leave it for this year?" again and again. Don't rise to the bait. Don't justify, don't apologise, don't pander. They're adults and need to deal with it.

Exactly what chocolate cake said. I remember falling asleep at my desk at work during my ivf I was so tired, hosting Xmas, no way that year. You need to look after yourself and your DH, it is fine to say no clearly and firmly now while there is lots of time to make other plans.

just use aquamarine offering

oh no...we are not hosting, we only agreed to your invite because we already decided we were not doing Christmas AGAIN so NO TA! "

YANBU at all. Who invites someone to theirs and then changes it to the invitees house?!

Be honest, we don't see pil at Xmas because sil will be there & the world hasn't ended.

OP, you're nicer than I am! With shit like ""come on you two, you need to get your skates on"", I would tell them to feck off when it comes to Christmas and just go to your own folks.

OP

Sorry you have your MIL adding to the stress

Say what chocolatecake said. They asked you to theirs, and are now trying to switch it and invite themselves to yours. I can see how it's the straw of inconsiderateness that would break the camel's back. You do NOT have to go along with this.

If you do it a lot for her you could try something along the lines of "Ha, nice try MIL, I think it's your turn to lay on a feast for once.".

But I think the "Sorry, we're not up to hosting this year, do you want to meet for lunch at X." advice is probably a better way to go.

it is a well known fact that if you wear skates while love making sperm swim better and tubes unblock...

ffs op why did you not think of that first?

sounds like a tough time... you do not really need the stupid comments... like mine nor the hassle.

just tell them that you can not host. You could have come to theirs but you will leave it for this year and see them sometime around new year. 2020

Thanks everyone

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