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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should take a step back with the kids?

26 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 28/09/2017 16:09

Dsis has been with her DP over 4 years, so quite a long time (they are not married).

BIL has 2 DC's from a previous relationship who Dsis gets on very well with and spends a lot of time with when BIL has access EOW.

However, Dsis is getting fed up of doing 99% of the childcare on the weekends they are there. BIL is often doing one of his many hobbies or is asleep (he works nights) during the times they are there so even though Dsis works the weekends they are there she has little choice but to do the childcare while she is at home as BIL leaves everything to her, Eg; planning activities for the kids, making their meals, etc.

She is a bit fed up because every time she raises this with BIL he says that since they are a couple, they are basically 'her kids too' and are therefore equally her responsibility as well, so asking her to do all this stuff is completely reasonsable.

I disagree. Obviously she doesn't mind doing some stuff for them Some of the time, that is fine BUT I don't think it should be equally her responsibility, as they are actually his dcs and therefore he should do the majority of the work/childcare while they are there. He physically will not do these things if she is in the house because he assumes she will do it/he is busy etc. I have suggested she come over to my house/goes out for the day/makes other plans on the days they are there to try and get him to do his fair share.

Who is right? Aibu and a mean bitch?

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 28/09/2017 16:11

He sounds so lazy and like he can't be bothered to look after them himself. I suggest she plans a few weekends away!

DJBaggySmalls · 28/09/2017 16:11

I agree with you, it sounds like he uses her as a nanny/housekeeper. If she goes out will he sulk, and will he end up blaming you?

Subtlecheese · 28/09/2017 16:16

I agree with you. The point if access is to spend time with their dad. It's great that she is involved and building her own connection with them. But they are completely his responsibility. I would never have children with someone like that - totally shirking there.
He needs a kick up his arse.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 28/09/2017 16:16

To be honest DJ he probably will sulk and blame me but I don't really care! I care more about the fact that my Dsis usually only gets one day off a week and she has to spend all of it looking after the DSC - she doesn't mind to an extent but she can never get a lie in or do what she wants to do while they are there and I don't think its fair.

I don't doubt that he loves his dcs deeply but he is lazy and spends to much time at work that when they are there he can't be arsed to do anything with them. Tbh in that case there is little point in them being there as they aren't actually getting to spend any time with him!

OP posts:
Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 28/09/2017 16:18

^ so much time at work, not 'to much time' Blush

Cheese Dsis doesn't want any children with BIL, mainly for that reason that she is 99% sure that sure will end up doing all the work (I agree).

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 28/09/2017 16:21

Blimey-I hope he has some redeeming features as he's coming across as a total arse. Presumably she loves him though or she wouldn't stay??

schoolsaving · 28/09/2017 16:23

4 years isn’t that long and says everything if she doesn’t want children with him! Why is she with him?

PollyFlint · 28/09/2017 16:26

YANBU. Ultimately, although your DSis sounds lovely and has a great relationship with the kids, the access arrangement is there for them to spend time with their father.

Can't quite get my head around a father who can't even be bothered to spend time with his own children once a fortnight. if he's leaving all the childcare to your sister, it's not just a matter of laziness, it's also not fair on the kids who deserve to have their dad's attention and clearly aren't getting it.

If he works nights and is sleeping when his children visit, the access arrangements clearly aren't working with his shifts, and some other solution needs to be found.

StormTreader · 28/09/2017 16:30

"they are basically 'her kids too' "

Note the "too", where is he in this? Shes basically a single parent to kids that arent even hers!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 28/09/2017 16:30

they are basically 'her kids too' and are therefore equally her responsibility as well
Except he's not taking equal responsibility, he's dumping it all on her!

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 28/09/2017 16:31

She does love him very much. She moved across the country to be with him and he does have a lot of redeeming qualities but this issue is probably their biggest in the relationship, and it is a big 'un.

Tbf she doesn't want kids at all but certainly not with him for the aforementioned reasons.

I agree Polly, if he is so tired he can't actually interact with the kids when they are then then something needs to change, what sort of message is he sending to them when everytime they come over he is palming them off on his gf or his mum?

OP posts:
LongWavyHair · 28/09/2017 16:31

I can understand why she is fed up.
Does she really see a future with this man? Why is she with him?
There is working as a partnership and doing your bit as a stepmum and being a family, then there is the dad of the children taking the total piss and not taking responsibility for them and leaving it all to their partner. That's not on and your sister has every right to be annoyed.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 28/09/2017 16:33

Exactly storm, except its only EOW. I can only speculate that maybe he sees his contribution as the financial part (in the form of maintainance to their mothers) but then Dsis still has to spend her wages buying them food if hasn't been bothered to get any shopping!

OP posts:
Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 28/09/2017 16:34

^not ALL her wages, just to clarify! Just part of them, but still..

OP posts:
supersop60 · 28/09/2017 16:46

Yes, she needs to take a step back. Going to yours is a good idea - he will have to do something then, won't he?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 28/09/2017 16:48

I agree with you OP, and also if she doesn't the resentment and sheer tiredness will build up and affect relationships all around.

I had this too, had my DPs kids without asking me after school, weekends, and some school holidays. Trouble is, he works late, often busy at weekends, and never took time off during school holidays and I was a sahm with our child. It contributed to a strained relationship with my step kids too, having to say sorry it's too much.

schoolsaving · 28/09/2017 17:02

Bloody hell, she has to pay to feed his kids while they are there?

5foot5 · 28/09/2017 17:03

maybe he sees his contribution as the financial part (in the form of maintainance to their mothers)

Is this a typo or are these children really from more than one relationship? If so I think there should be warning bells if he has two failed relationships behind him.

Apart from that I think this doesn't sound a good situation for your DSis. She may say she doesn't want children but potentially her decision in this is being influenced by the lazy-arsed DP. Perhaps she will change her mind one day and she doesn't want to be hitched to someone like the present DP then.

4 years is not really that long in a relationship if she feels that it is not going to work out in the longer term.

aintnothinbutagstring · 28/09/2017 17:03

She should definitely step back. I wonder what their mother thinks, not surprised probably as he was probably the same with her, at least she gets a break albeit at the expense of your dsis!.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 28/09/2017 17:13

5foot, in fairness to him lots of people have more that one failed relationship behind them, that does not necessarily make him a bad person.

One of the dcs was the product of a very....brief relationship and he has always been there for, had contact with and and paid maintainance for the dc, which I know should be the standard but sadly is not always in these circumstances.

OP posts:
Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 28/09/2017 17:15

Both of the mothers get plenty of time to themselves, the dcs go to their respective grandparents a lot and are of school age so the contact is really solely for them to spend time with BIL if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Ttbb · 28/09/2017 17:17

She should just get out of the house and leave him to it. At the end of the day he is their father, albeit a very shit one and they need to see him and spend time with him so that they can feel like he still cares about them (even if he doesn't).

WineAndTiramisu · 28/09/2017 17:19

She needs to book some weekends away that coincide with the access weekends...

Notevilstepmother · 28/09/2017 17:33

If they were equally her children, she should be doing half the care not all of it.

Hillingdon · 28/09/2017 17:37

If he has had so many failed relationships you need to question what makes this one different. It seems that he has a great situation here. He has broken up with various women (we don't know why) who he had kids with and he has now found another women who will look after HIS kids and even better does not want any herself.

Bingo. If I was him I would think I have found the ideal partner

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