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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by this

24 replies

EvoCo2 · 28/09/2017 15:56

Both my birthday and my DP's birthday are within three weeks of each other. Mine is the later birthday.

We have a longstanding tradition of taking each other out for a meal for our birthday.

This year I took DP out for his meal and all was well. However, when it came to my birthday he didn't mention anything until 3 days before.

So as not to drip feed he has been involved in a major project for the past 6 months which has meant I've barely seen him (4AM finishes etc).

I didn't want him to feel that I was needy so made an arrangement to go out with a friend just so I wasn't sitting alone on my birthday. The project finished ahead of schedule three days before my birthday and DP then invited me for a meal on my birthday. I told him I'd made other plans as I wasn't sure if he was going to be around. I also said that he should come out with me but he declined.

I didn't think anymore of it until this week when I mentioned to him that I had seen a new restaurant that could be nice for my birthday meal. He said he wasn't going to do anything about it because I'd 'rebuffed' him when he offered to take me out.

I honestly hadn't realised that this was a problem with him. I appreciate he might feel a bit rejected that I wasn't around on my birthday but I don't think it is reasonable for him to expect me not to do anything for my birthday unless with him. I had told him I was meeting up with a friend but he claims I didn't.

AIBU? I just feel that he is behaving in a spiteful way.

OP posts:

Original poster

EvoCo2 · 28/09/2017 16:00

I know this is trivia in the grand scheme of things but I feel a bit better for venting!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 28/09/2017 16:02

Well he asked you out for your birthday, you said you had other plans. Also you shod have waited for your birthday, he would have taken you out as per arrangement. You jumped the gun a bit.

toolonglurking · 28/09/2017 16:04

You could have just spoken to him about it like an adult age saved yourself all the trouble. YABU

BarbarianMum · 28/09/2017 16:06

I'd be really hurt if my dh blew me off for a friend on a day that we traditionally did something together. So yes, he's being petty but i can kind of see why.

SavoyCabbage · 28/09/2017 16:07

When he hadn't said anything three days before why did you not say 'what's happening for my birthday meal?' And then you could have acted accordingly.

It's like you set him up to make a point.

squishysquirmy · 28/09/2017 16:07

He really needs to understand that if you invite someone out with 3 days notice, they may already have other plans! He is being very petty refusing to join in because you "rebuffed" him.

Being very generous, it is possible that he didn't hear you or misunderstood when you said you were going out with a friend on your birthday - if it was a long standing tradition that you always spend your birthdays together, I could understand (a little bit) why he would assume this year was the same without needing to discuss it in advance. Maybe you both need better communication.

Being less generous, he's being a twat.

JamOrCreamFirst · 28/09/2017 16:07

Why didn't you ask him if he was planning anything for your birthday before you booked with your friend? Personally I don't really fuss about birthdays but the 2 of you do so you might have checked. He's being childish now though.

RainbowPastel · 28/09/2017 16:08

You didn't even give him chance to take you out. Your arranged to go with your friend. I would be pissed off with you too.

Birdsgottafly · 28/09/2017 16:13

So did you speak to him before you made the arrangements with your friend?

If so he is be petty, but is understandably hurt.

However if he expects you to be available and chance doing nothing, then he is out of order. Would he have taken the time off if the project was still ongoing?

I'd be pretty pissed off he carries on with this and you don't go out with him as well.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 28/09/2017 16:18

This makes no sense. You didn't speak to him first, jumped on making plans for yourself anyway and are wondering why he may be a bit pissed that you rebuffed him? It wasn't as though he left it to the actual day. He asked you 3 days before. YABU. He is busy and made time for his own birthday, so why would he not have made time for yours? Plus, he is probably looking forward to a night off.

Original poster

EvoCo2 · 28/09/2017 16:19

Thanks for the views. Sorry if I wasn't clear. We don't make a big deal out of spending our actual birthdays together - just that we take each other out for a meal for our birthdays. One year, I got my birthday meal in November!

So I was just happy to wait until he had some free time. He doesn't like to be badgered by me to spend time with him and I literally hardly saw him in the final week of the project. That's why I didn't mention it. I didn't want to add to his stress by making him think he had pressures to lose his focus on the project. I didn't know it was going to end early. There was a very real chance that I could have spent my day alone.

I certainly wasn't trying to be childish or spiteful by making plans with my friend - I just didn't want to spend the day alone.

What I'm upset about is that he says he isn't taking me out because I couldn't make my birthday.

Thanks for your views. Perhaps I do need to don my big girl trousers and act like an adult.

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 28/09/2017 16:20

If you usually go out for a meal together for your birthday, it was a bit passive-aggressive of you to book a meal with your friend instead just because he hadn't mentioned it ages in advance. However, his reaction is also passive-aggressive. You've both been a bit childish to be honest.

I can't really imagine a relationship where things like this aren't just talked about.

FrancisCrawford · 28/09/2017 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sprinklestar · 28/09/2017 16:24

It sounds like you'd have got nothing if the project had overrun. He can't have it both ways, you there on demand when he's not busy but ready to jump to attention when he deigns to be around.

TheNaze73 · 28/09/2017 16:25

I don't think YABU. If it's not been confirmed, it isn't happening. Does he think you are psychic?

He sounds needy if he's got the hump over that

Appuskidu · 28/09/2017 16:26

You could have avoiding this whole situation by communicating with him!

unfortunateevents · 28/09/2017 16:29

Does nobody talk to each other any more?

BarbarianMum · 28/09/2017 16:29

Hmm. Well if he would consider your asking if he'll be around for your birthday as you "hassling" him, then that does change things a bit. Do you generally feel able to discuss stuff openly with him, or does he decide what can and can't be discussed.

RB68 · 28/09/2017 16:38

Sorry but in my view he is being childish and unreasonable, however if I were you I would have said can't do x date as organised something with friends as thought you might be tied up with project and didn't want to be Mrs sadface with a bottle of wine at home, but can do the following week (or whenever). But he is sulking and being mardy

squishysquirmy · 28/09/2017 16:46

Yes, as pps have said you should have had a proper conversation with him, but it must be hard to talk to someone who is not finishing work until 4 am, especially when "He doesn't like to be badgered" by you.

Hullygully · 28/09/2017 16:47

Of course he was hurt. You've hardly seen each other and you made plans to go out on your birthday without seeing if he was free first. Why on earth wouldn't you ask him?

Shouldnotwouldnot · 28/09/2017 16:50

This sounds a very unhealthy relationship. He doesn't like to be 'badgered' by you to spend time together so you couldn't ask him if you were going out for your birthday?

Sciurus83 · 28/09/2017 17:50

YABU why on earth wouldn't you speak to him before making other plans when going out for a birthday meal is your thing. Of course he's put out. 3 days before is plenty of time. If asking him if you were doing anything on your birthday is considered badgering then that's a different issue and not on and HIBU

Original poster

EvoCo2 · 04/10/2017 08:36

Hi - thanks to everyone who responded. We had a chat about this and he did say he was hurt that I made other plans on my birthday. I have apologised to him and told him it wouldn't happen again.

Having thought about it from his point of view, I was hasty in making alternative arrangements 3 days before my birthday without speaking to him and I feel bad that I've upset him. It genuinely wasn't my intention. I was just thoughtless and I shouldn't have been.

It does look like I'm still foregoing my birthday meal as a punishment for my thoughtlessness though, as he is still maintaining the position that he thought I wasn't interested in going out for a meal with him and despite me saying I'd love to go out for a meal whenever he wants, he hasn't made any arrangements. I've asked him twice and he hasn't made any moves so I'm just going to leave it. I know if I ask again, it will lead to an argument.

Thanks for your opinions.

OP posts:

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