I knew this girl through a friend and we got chatting on facebook as she moved to the UK 3 years ago. I am more settled here because I had studied then worked here, having lots of British and European friends/ colleagues. I made effort to make this friendship work as I found comforting in speaking the mother tongue with someone else like a friend rather than with my family (via Skype).
Over the period of 3 years, I have always been the one who drove to her place then picked her little son and herself up to a play centre or a garden centre (one-hour journey from my house to hers). I always buy toys (£10 - £20) for the little one without fail, every time I came up for a visit (every 2 months but less frequent this year). I felt bad for them because she is stuck in the house all the time: her husband works 9-5, then drink in the pubs 4 times/ week; he goes with his friends for car racing, trips within the UK/ abroad. From her stories I think her possibly spend 4 weekends a year with his family.
Her very first sentence every time we chat is when I am coming to visit them, her son misses me and asks about me. She always says she has no Friend and I am the only one she knows in the UK…
I advised her to get little one to nursery rather than being at home all days/night with her - which she did, I felt so relieved and happy that the little one likes making new friends. I also told her to find a job but she said it was too hard as she was sending her CV out three times, only got one interview and being rejected. She said she'd wait till she gets British citizenship to find work as it must be due to discrimination. I was stunned because it's a lot harder for me whilst applying for work visa (sponsorship, labour test, salary minimum) when she is on Spouse visa and is allowed to work like any British citizen/ self employed.
This time last year, I got diagnosed with brain tumour (non-cancerous type) and got prescribed some high dose medicines that doctor advised me not to drive for 2-3 months. I was bored at home and she was saying she’d come to visit me by bus and her husband would pick her up – No sign of her.
I was disappointed a little but looked pass that, and visited them when I was recovered…Recently I shared with her that I am pregnant and she was talking about coming to visit me – so I made a point to myself that I’d wait for her to visit me first this time. I know it’s easier to travel by car but if I make >10 trips by car to visit her, AIBU to expect that she could take a bus (she will have to change 1 bus at main bus station) for one visit as a return. I told her that before I had my driving license, I have spent 6 years commuting, visiting the UK by public transport and even now, if it’s not convenient to drive, I’ll consider taking the bus to places.
She planned it on one Friday then cancelled last minute because she would need to take the bus and her husband couldn’t pick her up after work (I can’t drop her off because she’d need to carry baby car seat with her on the bus). Again, no sign of her since then. The other day she told me “You can come to visit us after your holiday trip”, I replied that “I thought you’d come to see me”, and met with silence.
Another reason that impacts this decision is that our British husbands cannot get on - totally two different characters and they have nothing in common. Not to mention that her husband does many illegal things that really frustrates my husband (e.g. he bought old cars to do up and sell without declaring taxes, his driving license was revoked long time ago due to drink driving, he has been driving since and only took the test last year because it was required by work. They bought an old car for her as she is learning to drive (15 hours lesson) and on the way back, he let her drive into town centre without buying any insurance for her). My husband is quite an opposite, he does things by the book because he is in managerial role and says he has more to lose to ever do anything like that.
I feel that I no longer want this friendship but don’t know if I am being unreasonable due to pregnancy hormones – I don’t want to ghost her (by not responding to her fb message) without explaining how I felt/ expected. I don’t know whether I would regret when I have the baby and want the little one to speak the mother tongue too.