To consider being a Stay at Home Mum?

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I have a five month DD and am currently on maternity leave until around May 2018. I always expected to go back to my job part time when my maternity finished. I even had the nursery place secured before my DD was born.

However, having had DD, my way of thinking has changed. Although I was always very ambitious with my career and had felt rewarded by my highly stressful job with long working hours and tight project deadlines, I seem to have lost all my drive for it.

I have also worked out that in going back to work part time, after the nursery costs, the amount I would bring home in no way makes the amount of travelling and associated stress worth it. Unfortunately, it's not the sort of job you can just leave at the front door. I can easily picture myself not switching off whilst trying to bath and reading a story to DD, which could really affect my relationship with her. I have therefore already decided that it is
unlikely that I will go back to work for that particular company.

However, instead of finding a less stressful part time job (which would more likely to pay less anyway), my DH and I have worked out that we are lucky enough to afford for me to stay at home with DD instead if we tighten our belts.

I do have a concern about this. Am I going to disadvantage DD socially by not putting her in nursery? We already attend lots of Sure Start baby groups, but as she gets older, do nurseries teach babies something socially and developmentally that I may struggle to?

Not at all. Continue going to groups if you want, do a variety of activities with her, do consider sending her to preschool when she's eligible to get her used to the school environment. Otherwise, don't worry.

Of course you're not being unreasonable!

I am a SAHM all I can say is go back when your baby is one, keep your options open, it's early days she is five months. I didn't go back and being dependent on your DH is not great, it's disempowering and not great for your own self esteem, mental stimulation. Also I think DD would benefit from having a working mum as a role model.

I don't think so. In fact, you might find that you can provide her with lots of different social situations that she might not experience via a nursery.

No, you won’t disadvantage her, but should make the effort for her to go to play groups or shaver so she gains socialisation skills and isn’t traumatised leaving you when she goes to school.

For the work thing I’d think longer term. Will you return to work at some point? How easy will that be? How will you not earning affect you all financially going forward, it will impact on all of your lifestyles. Tightening your belts is easy for some, not so much fun long term for others. Is your husbands employment secure? So for your child it’s fine, but I’d think longer term about the impacts of not earning.

Do it! I hated being a WOHM and I wasn’t particularly good Mum or employee. I left work and can now properly concentrate on my children. Work will always be there to go back to (albeit at a lower level that I’ll have to build up again) but my children’s early years won’t ever happen again.

I am not a stay at home mum, but...
Not going to nursery will not disadvantage your child in any way, particularly if you go out to groups etc.
However, not going back to work will seriously disadvantage you. Your pension, your income, the risk if you split up with your husband of being very poor, the difficulty of getting back into the work place after a 2year plus gap...
Yes, most of your wage may disappear on childcare for the first bit, even if part time. However, it's family money and it's actually an investment towards your longer term working life so will cost you less than leaving the workplace altogether.
Part time work (in my opinion, very biased) is an excellent way to get a lovely balance between work and home - although changing roles may work better for you.
There is no right answer and lots of sahm are very happy and willing to accept the personal disadvantages in exchange for 1:1 care of their own chold

I would say it's still very early days. When my DS was 5 months I thought I'd never want to go back to work. By the time he got to 12 months I was desperate to go back!

Do what suits you as a family just like we all do.

You are lucky to have the choice.

Of course there's no disadvantage not going to nursery just attend some toddler groups and enjoy your time together.

Loved being a sahm

Agree with Nan re disadvantages to you in not going back to work.
Part-time work seems a good compromise but most women end up working below their capabilities as there is not enough part-time 'professional' work available.

I would say it's still very early days. When my DS was 5 months I thought I'd never want to go back to work. By the time he got to 12 months I was desperate to go back!

Yes, I was the same.

Thank you with the responses so far. I do intend to go back to work, but an unsure as to when the best time for that will be. The impact on my pension is a big consideration Nan0second as I would be breaking continous service. It's something that needs careful consideration.

My dilemma is that I don't think I can successfully juggle the stress associated with the job and mum. That's probably a reflection on me, but I was able to handle the stress alongside an active social life, free of any other responsibilities. I don't want those stresses in my home life with DD.

I think that even if I moved company, the stresses of the position would remain; they are likely to be more job specific than company related. I could demote myself to a lower position part time that would be far less stressful, but that would result in a lower income, that would probably barely meet the childcare costs. But at least I would be contributing and as you rightly put it Nan0second, would be investing in my long term working life.

OP people will give you all sorts of advice, but go with your gut instinct.
I was in exactly the same position as you. I knew I would feel torn apart by leaving my kids in childcare and I would feel very resentful that someone else was with them day to day while I was not. I was lucky enough to have the choice not to go back, so I didn't. I've never regretted a day of it (11 years and 3 DC later). As you say, priorities change.
We have always had totally joint finances and so never felt dependent in DH because it's all family money. There are always scare stories about DH's leaving you high and dry, but a separation is stressful and a financial adjustment even if you are working. Do what you feel you need to do. Nothing is set in stone and maybe you need a period to reassess while you raise your child. Of course, your baby won't miss out by not going to nursery! You can take them to as many playgroups and activities as you like. They'll be in school in the blink of an eye and that will be that.

I never felt dependent on my dh either. It's family money not his to share with me!

We both contributed.

It's early days yet. Wait to decide this until a year at least. I felt the same as you when DC1 was 5 months old. When he was 12 months I went back, he hated nursery at first and I thought I would definitely quit my job. A month later everything was fine and I enjoyed being back at work part time.

I became a SAHM after DC2 because we had to move for my husband's work. It has been bloody hard work and I'm pleased I'll be going back to work early next year. But I'm very grateful to have had time as a SAHM.

Early days, take your time. 5 month olds are a doddle. Can be a relief to have time away from a toddler doing grown up stuff. Plus the extra money is nice. We have always been able to (just) afford me being a SAHM but DH and I are very relieved to have a boost in income now.

*I never felt dependent on my dh either. It's family money not his to share with me!

We both contributed*

I'm not dismissing the contribution of a SAHM, but I think a SAHM is very dependent on their DH. If the marriage ends, then many SAHM's suddenly find themselves very vulnerable

I wouldn’t ever be a sahm because you are totally dependent on your husband. You only have to read a few "I never thought it would happen to me" posts in the relationships board regarding cheating or even abuse.
Yes you trust your husband but imo you never truly know someone 100% so I'd at least loot at going part time or something. In the event of a relationship breakdown you'll be glad of having that security.

I don't think it will make much difference to your DD what you do. There are positives and negatives to both choices, and if you are a good Mum, you will be a good Mum whether working, or not. I think you need to think about what it is that you want.

Personally I'd go back part time, in the same job and see how it goes. It may be easier than you think, and will certainly get easier as your DD gets older. Please stop thinking about childcare as your cost. It allows your DH to work just as much as you.

I think if you give up a good job you are likely to regret it, as it is really hard to get back to where you were.

I've decided to use my SAHM time as an opportunity to change career. I was already feeling stressed out and burnt out by my old career so this seemed like a good, logical place to take a deep breath and some time to think and make the changes that needed to happen. Honestly, I think I'd have ended up doing this eventually even without a child in the picture, DS was just the catalyst.

Do what works for you and your family.

I wouldn't do it, OP, but a lot of people do.

Giving up your independence is a huge gamble.

A lot of women would rather stay at home than go to work (evidenced by many threads on MN) and having a child gives them a good reason to take that option but I have friends who've done exactly that and now feel trapped as the kids are older.

For me, financial independence is a fundamental necessity for happiness.

Other opinions will vary, obviously.

I think going back part-time is best of both worlds - especially if you l love your job. What's the minimum you can do? Is it possible to be truly part-time or will you end up doing full-time in shorter hours iyswim? Don't worry about whether you are actually in-pocket after all the childcare costs to start with - if you like your job that's not so important. Or think of the childcare coming off what DH earns. If you like your job it may be very difficult if not impossible to get back in part-time (or even full-time) after a few years out. If you are thinking of a career change anyway because your job is not so compatible with being a mum (that was how I felt) then now is the perfect time to take a break - especially as you can afford it. Not sure if you are thinking of having any more children, but I had two in fairly quick succession we all went off with DH on a foreign posting - now I do something entirely different which fits in round my dcs (both now teenagers). I'm glad I did it and I never have any pangs for my old job (much as I loved it at the time).

I agree with MrsMarigold.

This is very early to make such a life changing decision. Being a SAHM is hard work. I found it boring, mentally soul destroying, I lost my sense of self worth, financially dependant, ground hog day.

I am a SAHM and I really enjoy it, my DH earns just enough to make it possible, and all money that comes in is family money. I don't feel in any way that I've lost my independence, or that I'll miss out on building my career. When I go back to work when DC2 is 3 I'll need a bit of training to catch up, but it's not like I've turned into an idiot because I go to playgroups and play with my children, I'm still learning, reading, doing occasional work in evenings and weekends, and I enjoy my life.

Trust your gut and do what's right for you. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone, I think you need to be a naturally proactive person to enjoy it and make the most of it.

Nurseries will tell you they are fabulous for socialising your child, but there are many ways of learning social skills. Did children learn social skills when the majority of mothers stayed at home? Of course they did! As long as you are out and about, maybe part of a toddler group or similar, and she spends time around other people, she'll pick up everything she needs.

Whether it's the right choice for you is totally your call.

The person it will disadvantage will be yourself. Therefore it is on your head be it, really,