How much should we EXPECT to know about our neighbours/acquaintances?

[MummyMuppet2x2]

I'm a very private person, and find it hard to 'spill' details about certain matters to people I know, but am not friends with.

I'm happy to be friendly and sociable with absolutely anyone, and am happy the chew the fat about non-personal matters such as local issues, politics, TV, the price of fish, etc.

However, I find, mostly with women (men are generally not so nosey!), it is very difficult to just chew the fat without them wanting to drill for more personal details. Specifics all about "who, where, why, what, how, when" until I feel quite rung out! It's usually not done in a friendly manner either, I feel as if I'm being interviewed, tested, and heavily JUDGED (gauging from their facial expressions). And I feel that my info will used as juicy info to be chitchatted about and speculated over with their friends. These types of 'interviewers' rarely want to chat again, even when I have spilled all. By the way, I'm not ashamed of anything, and I've done nothing dodgy in my life. I'm very ordinary.

AIBU to withhold details about things I'd rather not go into with people I don't know very well? Such as my job, my partner's job, friends and acquaintances we may have in common, my family, my kids, etc. Should friendships grow more organically? Or should I be more tolerant of those who seem to have a burning need and a RIGHT to know all the facts about things I'd rather not speak of?

I could be you OP! I have found a foolproof way to avoid this however- be the person asking endless questions and follow up questions. What you and I perhaps don't appreciate because we are private by inclination, is that other people generally love to talk about themselves and they will! I used to make it a game with myself to see how much personal information I could learn about someone in a social situation without actually giving anything away (just like how Robert Redford coaches Brad Pitt in the movie "Spy Game").

I actually had the situation arise when I was married to my ex and he was going through an enhanced security clearance investigation linked to a job promotion and the government security investigators became concerned because despite the fact that we had lived in the same apartment for 6 years, not one of our neighbours knew us to talk to or even would necessarily recognise us! I had to explain that this was due to us choosing to live in a less desirable neighbourhood (dodgy) as I was going through graduate school and we were trying to live ultra cheaply, hence we lived in a neighbourhood where we really didn't want to know our neighbours... in fact it seemed like nobody wanted to get into anyone else's business in that neighbourhood. Our love of privacy caused some issues for my ex's clearance level for a while!

I don't think you'll build friendships if your first assumption is that people are going to gossip about you.
Everyone chooses how much they share but not everyone views questions as an inquisition or thinks their DP's job is classified information.

You sound a bit paranoid. I dont give a huge amount away but it doesn't bother me if people ask. Why the hall would someone want to talk politics with someone they don't know the personal details of. To me that would feel really odd.

I'm sure some people are jsut nosey by others like to know thier around them so that they feel safer. I know the names (ish) and rough occupations of the 5 houses near me. It annoys me that I don't don't know the children's names as I feel that would be useful. But I missed the boat with asking. Beyond that I dont care.

My point is what is intrusive to you won't be to others. Some people might just be trying to make conversation. It indeeded playing a game with you as pp

above suggested you do.

I know my neighbours pretty well. The children play on the street, knock on each others doors unannounced etc.

I like it that way. It's good to have a community, and also to know that local help is available in an emergency.

It's hard to know without the context if you are paranoid or they are pruriently nosy. But from my own chats with local people I would say that the first layer is hello, weather, local issues, when is bin collection day, etc. If you are seeing the same people around in your road it seems really odd to stop at that point. The next "layer" when you see them often is surely 'Oh, do your children go to X school, how old at they, do you take them, sounds nice to work part time, what line of work are you in ? Etc etc.' Or : 'Was that your mother I saw visiting, does she live near, nice for her to see the grandkids, yes, she must be lonely if you're saying your dad passed away last year, sorry to hear that...' it takes very few conversational steps to get to personal information and I can't see why this is secret or classified.

And why would they gossip about you? Do YOU gossip and judge other people? Doubt it. Why would they be that interested?

OP you are paranoid

I wouldn't trust or want to be friendly with someone who wouldn't even tell me what their job is

Are you working for MI5? Are you illegal immigrants? If neither, relax a little.

They don't really want to know that you are a secretary from Slough who watches BGT, drives a Corsa and shops at ASDA. They are just being friendly.

I'm like you OP, I like to keep my privacy and my husband is the same. I'd always help one of my neighbours if they needed something but I don't want to know more than the basics about them and vice versa.

We have a lovely neighbour who we have round for his tea once a week, help out with his baby when he needs an extra pair of hands and gratefully accept all offers of gardening and car washing from him. I feel we're friends rather than just neighbours. The neighbours on the other side are the complete opposite. I'm not sure I'd recognise them if I saw them outside of their garden. Def wouldn't recognise her as I've only seen her twice in the 14 months we've been here.

There are another couple in our little row of houses who I sussed out straight away to be lovely people but terrible gossips so we're very careful what information we share with them. We tend to keep conversation light and very general with them as I like to choose who knows my business.

Thanks to all who've replied.
I have to laugh at myself because I know there's truth in what you say.

I do find it very hard to share info as I've been burnt before, and I don't necessarily trust people easily. I admire those that can chat openly about themselves with no fear.

I strongly fear being judged - letting slip what I think is a 'passing the time of day' type comment, and then finding myself a bit ridiculed. It's hard to explain, but it feels so real to me.

Essentially though, I'm not hurting anyone byvwanting to be private, but sometimes I feel as if folk think they have a RIGHT to know more than I'm willing to say.

Thanks for all your comments, especially to hidingalion for putting the layers of social interaction so clearly.

I obviously need to get a grip...