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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect instant and unquestioning obedience?

25 replies

Oakmaiden · 27/09/2017 19:07

Not from my husband, obviously, although it would be nice....

But from my teenagers. I am so fed up with having to nag them to get them do do ANYTHING from hang their coats up to putting their washing away to helping with the washing up.... I ask and they say "Yeah, in a minute" or "I'm just doing x, I'll do it later..." I don't really expect them to always do as I have asked immediately, but I do think that perhaps they should be saying "Do you mind if I finish this first? or whatever, instead of just informing me there will be a delay. Especially when what they really mean is "If you ask me another 4 or 5 times over the course of the day I might do it with REALLY bad grace, but I will make you wish you had just done it yourself.

Genuine question. Young teenagers should still be expected to do as they are asked when they are asked, or to politely request putting it off for a few minutes before going to do as they are asked. Without needed to be nagged. Shouldn't they?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2017 19:10

Yes, they should, and the only reason they continue to fob you off is because you're letting them. Time for some new rules.

Original poster

Oakmaiden · 27/09/2017 19:12

I think so too. I think I have been too scared of teenage daughter's moods and tears (she has had significant MH problems in the past year or so) and I have let things slide too much. And just today I thought, actually this is not right. but then I wanted to check my expectations weren't off. Which I didn't think they were, but sometimes it gets hard to tell.

OP posts:

drfostersbra · 27/09/2017 19:14

UNPLUG THE WIFI!!!

Pengggwn · 27/09/2017 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 27/09/2017 19:21

I have told mine tonight if they don't listen to me I won't be hearing any shouts for tea. . Did the job!!

Storminateapot · 27/09/2017 19:22

I have one darling of 15 who will say 'yeah sure' when asked to do anything.

One of 18 who would procrastinate to the end of time.

One of 15 who does the thing with scowls and glowers and you can practically hear him screaming 'I HATE you' in his head, although he never says it.

If anyone knows how to motivate the procrastinator or cheer the misery up I'd love to know.

Ecureuil · 27/09/2017 19:24

My 3 year old does the ‘im just doing x’ thing. Please don’t tell me I’ve got 16 years left of it?

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 27/09/2017 19:29

I set a time limit. So I'll say 'I want your bed stripping/washing on/bedroom tidy by 11am, if it's not done by then XYZ will happen' (no money/no pick up from a party etc.) I find this works really well. Sometimes I don't want to have to get up and do something straight away if I'm on my iPad/reading or whatever so I don't expect them to either.

NoStraightEdges · 27/09/2017 19:35

No 'fun' stuff is allowed until the 'jobs' are done in this house precisely because of this.

Really it means no Xbox until your coat is away, bag packed for school/homework done/ room tidied and you're showered. It's worked pretty well!

SugarMiceInTheRain · 27/09/2017 20:14

My 12 and 10 year olds are on a screen ban until they become better at listening to us. So sick of being ignored or fobbed off and removal of screen time is the only thing which seems to work.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 27/09/2017 20:14

My 12 and 10 year olds are on a screen ban until they become better at listening to us. So sick of being ignored or fobbed off and removal of screen time is the only thing which seems to work.

Ttbb · 27/09/2017 20:16

YABU. Long before they reach teebagehood they should be able to manage their own time and ensure that get basic tasks done without constant nagging-what do you think is going to happen to them when they leave for university?

Andrewofgg · 27/09/2017 20:22

I wish we'd had Wifi to unplug when Ds was in his teens . . . good luck OP and hang in there, teenagers do rejoin the human species. Eventually

Did anybody else think this was going to be a joke thread from someone pretending to be a cat whose humans would not obey instantly?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2017 20:42

Kids being made to do chores is so important. It teaches self-reliance and gives them an appreciation for what it takes to run a proper home. I have some friends who never made their children do anything, and now that these "kids" are in their 20s, they wonder why their children are so useless. It's because they made their kids that way.

MortalEnemy · 27/09/2017 21:10

There's a local charity bookshop I regularly drop in to, and I always know when one of the women working there is being given a hard time by her three teenage daughters, because I can see the confiscated wi-fi router sticking out of the top of her handbag behind the counter.

Apparently they are able to get onto a neighbour's unsecured wi-fi, but only from the adjacent bit of their own garden, which isn't that appealing in a wet January.

rainbowduck · 27/09/2017 21:13

Isn't there a common theme here? All teenagers do it?

disappearingninepatch · 27/09/2017 21:31

You are not alone, OP. Not much longer.

Andrewofgg · 27/09/2017 22:14

All teenagers do it?

No, future MNers don't. We were all angels. And there is a pig flying past my window.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/09/2017 22:17

No I was not like this with my teenager at all. As long as school work was done, there were no rules. The bedroom was their own domain. I never nagged. Said teenager has grown into a very successful adult. Teenagers get such bad press.

abigamarone · 27/09/2017 22:19

Don't unplug the WiFi.
Change the password, it's like dangling a carrot in front of them, the can see it, they just can't use it.

(In fact change it to "doasyoureaskedifyouwantthepassword")

BMW6 · 27/09/2017 23:03

Remember this OP - the person who controls internet access rules the world (household)..........
Be ruthless, but importantly, be consistent........

MargaretTwatyer · 27/09/2017 23:14

Of course they shouldn't but I'm sure lots of MNers will say they will. They're almost adults and in a few years they will be sorting themselves out altogether.

It might be annoying, but what sort of person do you think an 18 year old would be who went off to Uni or moved out who was just used to mindlessly following orders and being obedient?

Do you think they would adapt well to independence? Making decisions for themselves? Breaking away from adult authority and realising that they don't always have to do what their parents say is an absolutely normal and healthy part of growing up and it's fine.

Suggestions about switching off the Wifi etc are good, because that will present them with the same sort of cost/benefit decision they'll make when they live alone. Like will I get up and make a healthy breakfast that will make me feel good or stay in bed and eat the kebab stuck to my hair which won't so much.

But unquestioning and immediate obedience would be weird.

busyboysmum · 27/09/2017 23:17

My plan is neglect them, do nothing for them and they are forced to become self sufficient. Then ask them for a cup of tea whilst they are making one for themselves. Works a treat.....

TyneTeas · 27/09/2017 23:32

I was wondering recently if "Okay" was one of those words that now has a different or even opposite meaning...

I say "DD(13), please do X" and give a timeframe (eg set table, tea will be ready in 10 mins)

DD says "Okay"

So to me Okay as a response means I have heard you, I have understood what is required and I have confirmed I will do it

But I think judging by the amount of times the task isn't properly done or all knowledge of it is denied that is it must have some new as yet undecoded meaning

Sandycarrots · 27/09/2017 23:37

Dd was really really bad with this sort of thing for a couple of years so I can totally relate op!

A while back, dd wanted lots of papers signed for something she really wanted to do. I was really fed up because anything we wanted her to do, she delayed and procrastinated over and was even stroppy being asked in the first place! But if she wanted us to do something for her, she expected it done immediately.

Sounds really mean, but I kept saying "yes I'll get to it" and "yes in a minute" until she got exasperated a few days later, and I told her this was exactly how we felt when she delayed and procrastinated all the time. I think it struck home because she was a lot better after that!

The natural maturing process helps as well. At 12 & 13 yrs things were really bad but she has matured massively this summer and now at 14 yrs, is quite reasonable and willing to cooperate! It's brill!

This too shall pass op!

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