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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a party invite rejection is a sign the friendship has run it's course?

25 replies

GoGoDolores · 27/09/2017 12:14

Not a major issue but it's playing on my mind a little bit.

Became very good friends with a woman when our DD's (just turning 6) were babies. Thought it was more than just a 'mums of two kids who are friends' friendship. Lots of nights out, seen each other through marital problems etc.

Fair to say we've drifted over the last year. DD's go to different schools. But they go to a couple of clubs together and we share lift duties (I do much more than she does TBH).

Girls birthdays are close together. My DD invited a small group of friends, including my friend's DD, to an activity. Happened to be on the same day there was a day out for one of the clubs they go to.

Friend and her DD told my daughter on the way home one night that they wouldn't be coming to her birthday as they wanted to go to the other event.

My DD was sad and just a bit confused. She'd planned to go shopping for a new bike with my parents on the day of the other girls party. But when I reminded her what day it was, she instantly said "such and such only gets one birthday a year, I want to go to her party'.

Feel like if it was the other way round I'd have told DD to go to her oldest friends' birthday. I feel like this means we're not really friends and just convenient lifts.

May be being over sensitive? It's only a kids party. It was sad to see her little face though. Maybe stop making an effort to maintain friendship and just let the girls get on with theirs, for however long it lasts?

OP posts:

RhiWrites · 27/09/2017 12:17

Maybe they'd already confirmed and paid for the other event.

Friendships don't have to be all or nothing. Maybe these two aren't as close as they once were but they're still friends. No need to take this as The End of the Friendship.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/09/2017 12:20

I think you need to know more about the event for the club. It's not quite analogous with bike shopping which is free and can be easily rearranged.

I would rearrange the lifts though to make sure that it was 50:50 or as near as

jellyandsoup · 27/09/2017 12:24

Do all the other children invited to to school together? It can be tricky being the only one that doesnt know everyone.

rightnowimpissed · 27/09/2017 12:25

Probably, but not a bad thing, they are six theyll make many more friends, and you should proably just focus on yourself and your family and other genuine friends instead wanting her attention

RedSkyAtNight · 27/09/2017 12:27

Was going to say the same as jelly. It's really awkward being the child out of the dynamic. Flip it round and would you want your DC to go to a party where everyone was in a group of friends and she knew no one but the birthday girl?

WhyOhWine · 27/09/2017 12:27

If all the other children are at your DD's school and will know each other, it might be that she feels a bit awkward about it. I have a close friend from university with a DD the same age as my DD1 and the DDs are really good friends. However, invitations to each other's parties tailed off once they both started school because they did not know anyone else apart from the birthday girl, and it didn't feel fair on the birthday girl to feel responsible for the other one when they would probably prefer to be joining in with their gang of friends from school. No issues at all. we and the DDs are still very good friends, and tend to do something together close to their birthdays, but we did find that it did not work that well to mix one with a group of the other one's school friends.

strawberrypenguin · 27/09/2017 12:27

Not necessarily, we’ve turned down party invites for DS’s friends if we already had something booked that day - not a sign that he wasn’t friends with them just we couldn’t be in 2 places at once

Original poster

GoGoDolores · 27/09/2017 12:28

They hadn't already paid and it was something that happens a few times a year.

OP posts:

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 27/09/2017 12:37

I don't think it says end of friendship at all, maybe more a levelling off. And absolutely at around 6 most parties become school friends only unless there are separate groups of friends who know each other. I took my 5 year old Dd to the party of an activity friend recently because I thought it meant a lot to the mum (she'd been planning for ages!!) but DD was really miserable as all the other girls ran round together.

Why not suggest a special playdate near her birthday instead and see how that goes down. That's what we do with non-school friends until they lose interest.

Seeline · 27/09/2017 12:42

Do you mean the end of your friendship with teh mum or your DDs friendship with the girl?

I don't see any reason why you can't be friends with the Mum. However, you can't force your DDs to be friends (even if your DD is upset). But the choosing of one event over another (she hadn't accepted an invite to your party first?) doesn't indicate the end of a friendship. If just means that he little girls wanted to go on the day out.
I think you just need to see how things go.

mindutopia · 27/09/2017 12:44

I think you're being oversensitive. We don't always go to friends' parties, even when their parents are close friends, some of whom we did NCT classes with together so we've known each other the whole of our children's lives. Other things come up. Maybe she asked her daughter and her daughter said she would rather go to the other event and she respected that. Maybe just invite them around another time for some cake and to play so you are continuing to extend the invite. But I wouldn't take it too personally even with a good friend.

RB68 · 27/09/2017 12:44

I doubt it from what you said - maybe they have had enough of parties or the other child not keen or maybe M&D not keen on activity etc who knows its one party and whilst its a birthday party I would say its just one of those things

manicinsomniac · 27/09/2017 12:56

I think YABU tbh. Can understand it's disappointing but parties, unless it's your own party, are quite common and not a big deal. If someone's got something else on I can quite easily see that they might prefer to go to the other event and that both would have the same weighting in their priority scale.

My children sometimes miss parties just for extra curricular activities themselves, not even social events attached to the activities. Dance lessons for example - if it's near an exam or a show they shouldn't miss it and, unless it's a really exciting party, they tend to prefer to dance anyway. It doesn't mean their friends aren't their friends.

dustarr73 · 27/09/2017 13:00

I think in this case what the other girl wants to do trumps your dd.If they accepted your invite and backtracked thats not nice.But if they told you they were not coming to the party,they are alloed to do that.

The lifts thing is a d=red herring.You cant hold that against her just cause her dd wants to do something else.

But in this case i would be making it more of a 50/50.Why bother putting yourself out?

2014newme · 27/09/2017 13:01

Maybe the parents assumed you would not choose that day for the party because a club event was already planned? Perhaps they thought your dd would be going to that

newlabelwriter · 27/09/2017 13:04

DD has a friend who she has been friends with since they were about 2 but DD & she stopped inviting each other to their parties at about the same age as they tended to be the only person they knew at each others parties and they didn't really enjoy it very much. Me and the other mum never made a thing of it (it was quite apparent on both sides) but girls (and mums) still really good friends and they just do something separately, normally pizza and a sleepover which they love.

guilty100 · 27/09/2017 13:10

Yeah, I think it shows priorities. Maybe not a sign the friendship is over, but certainly a sign that it's waning.

KERALA1 · 27/09/2017 13:10

OP you can still be friends with the mum even if your kids drift the two don't necessarily need to be interlinked even though thats how you met.

Know numerous people 60/70 somethings whose main local friendship groups they met when kids small but kids all drifted /stopped being friends around secondary age but the adults were socialising 30 years later

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2017 13:10

Different people different priorities. It doesn't mean she isn't your friend, it means your dd isn't as important to her as you thought. It's a difficult thing to hear.

I was rather bemused that one of dds friends couldn't come because she and her parents were going on holiday on the following Tuesday and they didn't have time to take her. Her party was on the Saturday prior. I assume they would have stayed even though not strictly necessary as it was a swim party for 9 yos.

Loopytiles · 27/09/2017 13:13

Yabu to refer to DD's friend as "oldest friend": they're 6!!!

As PPs say, your friend and/or her DD might not have wanted to be in a crowd of unknown schoolfriends.

2rebecca · 27/09/2017 13:17

Agree your OP makes it sound as though friendship is all or nothing. It sounds as though the girl is friends with your daughter but not an intense friend, agree that if this girl is at a different school she has probably chosen the other event because she will know more people there and enjoy it more. Young kids can be very clannish

TheAntiBoop · 27/09/2017 13:30

What new label said

If she doesn't know anyone else there she may not want to go do that reason

You seem a bit intense!!

BenLui · 27/09/2017 13:38

You think a six year old declining a party invitation is a rejection of you? .

You are over thinking.

I don’t tell my kids which parties to attend.
There could be a million reasons why the other girl picked the activity not the party, none of which means that the Mum doesn’t like you.

The girls are at different schools, it’s likely that their friendship will drift.

My kids love my NCT friends’ children but none of them invite each other to parties anymore.

Your friendship with the Mum has to be independent of the children of you want it to continue.

They are two separate relationships.

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/09/2017 13:44

Its a club your DD also goes to so you would have been aware of the event yourself. Personally I'd not have organised the birthday party to clash with the event (which I assume your own DD would go to as well were it not for her party).

It may be that she is shy about going to the party because your DD will have all her new friends and she is worried about being left out.

I think comparing going to an event against not going shopping is ridiculous!

HopefulHamster · 27/09/2017 13:45

My son had some awesome nursery friends. I no longer invite them to his birthday parties now he's at school, because they are school parties. Instead I do a playdate around the same sort of time with them so they still see each other.

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