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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to expect something for 10 yr anniversary?

22 replies

CupFullOfSpiders · 27/09/2017 09:06

Last week was our 10th anniversary. We'd decided not to get each other presents as we were going to go out for dinner together the week after instead. I got dh a card and wrote a lovely message. I obviously don't mind not getting a present as that's what we decided, but he didn't get me a card and didn't really acknowledge it in any way apart from to say "well that's gone quickly." Neither put anything on fb - me because I know it kind of embarrasses him.

I don't think I'd mind if this was a random anniversary, but 10 years feels kind of special, and it would have meant a lot to have a card and some words, or even a crappy fb post so I'd feel like he's actually proud of our relationship and doesn't mind showing me/people.

For context, he regularly forgets our anniversary, but am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt that I didn't even get a card or any decent hug/kind words for our 10th?

OP posts:

2014newme · 27/09/2017 09:07

Yanbu.

AtHomeDadGlos · 27/09/2017 09:12

If you've agreed not to mark it (aside from a meal out) then I'd say YABU.

My wife and I don't mark ours, the first my mum gave her card from her stash of emergency cards that said 'congratulations' on the front. We've agreed not to bother since then.

That said we did go to IKEA on our last one.

MargaretTwatyer · 27/09/2017 09:16

Yeah, a lot of people really don't bother with cards anymore and it does seem to cause tension with those that do. That's not anecdotal, sales are collapsing. If cards are really important to you, you need to spell it out as they just don't seem to figure to a lot of people anymore.

ShotsFired · 27/09/2017 09:43

It isn't just the card, though is it? It's the entire lack of consideration and acknowledgement of a whole decade spent together.

OP clearly values it as she got a card and wrote a special message - that alone should be a big enough klaxon for her husband to at least pass comment, give her a kiss and a cuddle and at least mention the date as he opened it and read the words. The fact he hadn't even managed to conjure up a "Happy Anniversary love, 10 years eh, go us!" even when faced with the card is pretty shit.

YADNBU.

bridgetreilly · 27/09/2017 09:45

YABU. You'd already agreed how to mark it, with the meal.

LaughingElliot · 27/09/2017 09:45

So he made no effort at all? Well yes that would be a problem for me. V dickish of him.

Original poster

CupFullOfSpiders · 27/09/2017 09:45

Hmm. My easy going side does agree with that but it's a 10 year anniversary and even if there wasn't a card, it would have been nice to have at least some expression of happiness that we've been together 10 years instead of just nothing. I'm possibly being a dick about it because I made a bit of an effort and he didn't so I feel a bit wounded but.. it's 10 years! I'll bet most people get a present so I don't think I'm asking for the world. (Also, the meal out won't be in the evening and we'll only have a couple of child free hours so it's not going to be very romantic at all but we're lucky to get any time at all)

OP posts:

tocas · 27/09/2017 09:48

Yanbu, I think not getting a card or posting on Facebook is okay but it would odd if he didn't mention it and give you a big hug and smooch !

Karak · 27/09/2017 09:54

We don't celebrate anniversaries (and in fact both managed to forget our last one) but it's our 10th next year and for that I'd expect something - even if only an acknowledgment and a hug.

I hate hate hate those cringy facebook posts about how brilliant the other partner is though.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 27/09/2017 09:56

Why do you feel you need a facebook acknowledgement?

LaughingElliot · 27/09/2017 10:01

You are not being unreasonable! You are entitled to want acknowledgment of a special occasion and really it is such a small thing to ask.

Hell, I got a trip to Amsterdam and we’re not big noters at all.

rightnowimpissed · 27/09/2017 10:02

I would be totally hurt if I didn’t receive a card on our anniversary, I think it’s important it was special for me that day, I choose that day to become his wife if he didn’t acknowledge that...... well let’s say it wouldn’t be a pleasant evening.
Not getting presents is one thing, we don’t really do that for anniversaries or Christmas but that doesn’t mean the day should be ignored.

rightnowimpissed · 27/09/2017 10:03

Meant to say, you should tell him your a little upset that he’s not said anything on the day, maybe he’ll buck up him game next time

Original poster

CupFullOfSpiders · 27/09/2017 10:07

Yeah, I always get the cringe when I see other people's anniversary posts on fb and sloe I didn't feel entitled to a fb post, but here's my logic.
Ideal situation - kiss, hug, nice comments about how long we've been married
Second best - a card with a nice comment
Third best - a card. Just a card, even a blank one with a dinosaur on it. Anything.
Last, "Fucks sake just do something" option - a crappy fb post that I don't really want but is at least better than nothing.

I've just had a look on fb and he hasn't but anything up, not even out of guilt so I guess that's less embarrassing. And yes we have a meal planned but I've had to arrange the childcare and looks like I'll have to book it too. It just feels a bit one sided.

But all of this is turning me into a petulant child, and I'm starting to do the "no I'm not being unreasonable even if you say I am" crap so I'm going to let it go, and just assume that he is madly in love with me and happy to be with me after 10 years and is just trying to maintain an air of mystery by not saying it.

OP posts:

ninjapants · 27/09/2017 10:07

Well you agreed not to mark it so YABU to expect him to then do so. Perhaps you should have said it would be nice to give each other a small token to mark the occasion. After ten years you should know you have to be honest with each other, if you want a card or gift, then say so. Likewise he should know that even though you say you don't want a card or gift, you really do. And surely you realise that a 'crappy' Facebook post counts for nothing? I suspect that there may be more to this than 'he didn't get me a card'.

RedSkyAtNight · 27/09/2017 10:20

"Well that's gone quickly" is an acknowledgement isn't it?
If you'd agreed not to mark the event apart from a meal out, then that's what you got! It does seem like a circumstance where you agreed one thing but you expected him to read between the lines.

Original poster

CupFullOfSpiders · 27/09/2017 10:32

Hmm AIBU is a pretty 50/50 split

We did agree not to get presents as in not spending £50 each on each other as money is a bit tight, but I jokingly told him not to forget the day this year as it was our first big anniversary, I put it on the calendar so he could remember so to me it was clear that we were going to acknowledge it.

"Well, that's gone quickly" is an acknowledgment but it's not a necessarily an overwhelmingly positive one is it..

Thanks to all who agree I'm nbu to be a bit hurt, and thanks also to those who think I abu for your perspective. Dinner will indeed be lovely. I will steal his dessert when he's not looking, as petty but delicious revenge

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/09/2017 10:33

No, no it's really not like you agreed to one thing but wanted something else & no mind reading required. You are going out for a lunch at the only time you can, you agreed no presents. You didn't agree no showing emotion, no cards, no loving gestures. It's your 10th Anniversary and 'thats gone quick' does not cut the fucking mustard. Twat. The very least, and I mean the very least, he could have done was a hug/kiss and a nice comment about it.

He's bloody lucky he's still got you and needs telling! PM me his number & I'll put him straight! He won't be such a prat again 😆

Mrsdarcyiwish10 · 27/09/2017 10:39

Same here, discussed it for a few weeks before about it being a big anniversary, bought him a card and made a lovely dinner, he brought nothing, thought he may make it up the next day but 4 weeks later not a mention, yadnbu

TheNaze73 · 27/09/2017 10:42

I think YABU. Not massively though

Fernanie · 27/09/2017 10:46

Happy anniversary OP! How is your DH the rest of the time? If things are generally good between you I think the fact that he's stayed with you for 10 years (don't take that the wrong way; I just mean that a 10-year marriage requires hard work and dedication no matter how lovely your spouse is!) should mean more than a card. Some people just aren't gift givers. My DH isn't, and I'm not much of one either tbf, so it usually works out, but if ever I do want something I tell him "I would like X for my birthday. It would make me feel really loved if you would buy it for me." He is of the opinion that daily kindnesses are more important than big (or small) gestures at significant occasions - and I can see his point. But I have also asked him in the past to write me a love letter . We don't do subtle requests in this house
I hope you have a lovely time at dinner. Maybe initiate a conversation about the significance of ten years? Or ask him what his best memory was (or something). Some people just need a little nudge to open up.

Original poster

CupFullOfSpiders · 27/09/2017 14:07

Thanks annie I hope he feels lucky, otherwise I'll bear your offer in mind

mrsdarcy it does feel a bit rubbish doesn't it. You made far more effort than I did too does he know that you're hurt?

fernanie he's absolutely brilliant in pretty much every way. He does more than his share of housework, plays with the kids if he's home and I need a rest, hes kind and funny and lovely. The only thing that's difficult is that he doesn't really do feelings or emotions so he does just walk away if I'm upset or he's upset me, it would probably kill him to be loving/complimentary towards me in front of other people and like last week, he wouldn't think to tell me he's glad we're together, or it's been a great 10 years or anything like that. He knows that's hard for me so I did have high hopes for our anniversary. Anyway, I guess I just have to be confident he's happy and not expect him to tell me (and I mean that in a less snarky way than it sounds) and appreciate all the good things he does

OP posts:

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