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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU?

5 replies

astarish · 26/09/2017 20:31

A colleague/friend from work used to tell me about her violent relationship.. for months I told her to leave and advised her on how to go about it. They have a 3 year old son together and were living together.

One day she decided enough was enough and she wouldn't go back home to him. She picked up her son from nursery and made herself homeless. I offered to put her up for a few nights to help her out. 2 months later and she is still here. I've not asked her to contribute towards rent or bills, which I'm fine with, my issue comes with her son being around mine constantly (my son will be 4 next month).

From the moment they moved in, my sons behaviour has gone downhill. He was kicked out of his summer camp on his fourth day and has been getting into trouble at school. They've made a referral to the school psychologist because they're concerned about his behaviour.

I've helped my friend out with childcare over summer, while working a full time job. As she hadn't sorted a nursery place for her little boy, I told her to apply to my sons nursery as well as a few others. She never did, I did the application for her. Didn't expect her to be offered a place so soon, and didn't know how bad my sons behaviour would get. AIBU to be annoyed that they will be in the same nursery class together? They've been stuck together over the summer holidays,my son has had minimal time alone with me (I've helped her with childcare), and they've been living together for 2 months.

How do I go about telling her I don't want her son around mine at school? They should be rehoused in the borough in the next 2 weeks and his nursery place is due to start the following week. At this point I need to look out for my son and what's best for him?

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 26/09/2017 20:44

Hi OP - firstly, very kind of you to offer to put her up. We have done this before (though a single friend and she stayed for over 2 years!) so i know a little of what its like.

Why do you think her son is having an influence on your son? Was he in the same summer camp as your son? Have you spoken to your son - ask him why he is behaving as such?

I don't know how you will tell her re you not wanting her son at the same nursery - considering you filled up the application for her. Its a tough one. Do you know where she will be re-housed? Will it be close by, might she have to change nursery anyway?

HiJenny35 · 26/09/2017 21:31

You need to speak to the school, explain the situation and ask if they can be kept apart. I do not think you can fully blame her child for your child's behaviour but understand the issues of learnt and copied behaviour. I would just say to friend how worried you are about your child's behaviour rather than blaming hers, let's be honest she isn't going to move here school due to yours.

astarish · 26/09/2017 22:54

@midnightmisssuki I'm not blaming the behaviour on her son, it's always just been me and my son at home with the exception of my ex partner. My sons behaviour started to change when my ex used to stay over or spend a lot of time at the house, it's a big adjustment having someone new around.

We split not long after my friend moving in, and the behaviour has only gotten worse. They bounce off each other and encourage each others naughty behaviour (eg. her son picked up soil from the balcony and threw it all over the sofa and carpet, my son laughed and jumped on the sofa, encouraging the behaviour).

She's likely to be housed close by as the other side of the borough is too close to her ex, she won't be housed near him

I helped her with childcare throughout the summer, so when she had early shifts, I would take her son with me to drop my boy at summer camp. He would see us leave together, and within hours I would have calls about his behaviour. I wouldn't have thought much of it, but we have a crèche at work and the same thing happened there. He told me he doesn't like it when the other child gets to stay with me?

I've tried so hard to help her, hence why I applied for the nursery, I told her of a few others in the area but she never bothered to apply to any of them. I'm close with my manager at work and I guess I've just tried to help everyone (if she has a nursery place it makes her more available for shifts, but she won't get them now anyway as she's not available for Early's/lates)

OP posts:
astarish · 26/09/2017 22:58

@HiJenny35 there's only one nursery class unfortunately, I can't see it being possible to keep them apart. I'm not blaming the behaviour on her son, they're both naughty when they're together, and I'm sure there's an issue of jealousy involved with my son having to share his home/toys/time/mum with another child.

She only got the place because I applied for her and she never bothered applying elsewhere, just wish I hadn't bothered now, hope that doesn't sound mean Hmm

OP posts:
astarish · 26/09/2017 23:17

So just an update; things got heated via text message and she hasn't come back home tonight. Said thankyou and that she will pick up her stuff tomorrow.. told me how to parent my child, acted ungrateful for all we (myself/manager/colleagues) have done for her, and that we have all turned our backs on her. She says that she will apply for other nurseries, so fingers crossed she find somewhere else Confused

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