Is it time for forgive my sis-in-law?

[Katehy]

I'm having a hard time forgiving my sis-in-law for the way she behaved when my baby was born. My son was very ill shortly after birth and spent weeks in intensive care. It was touch and go and for a long time we weren't sure whether he was going to make it. Thankfully he pulled through, but there is a good chance he will have lasting effects from his illness.

Anyway, during our time in hospital my sis-in-law made almost no contact with us at all. I received one text from her complaining about being uncomfortable with her baby bump, i thought this was quite insensitive as our son was fighting for his life. My father in law visited every day and he mentioned that despite speaking to his daughter several times she didn't once ask after our son. He was also very hurt by this.

She made no effort to visit us in hospital, ok you might say she was heavily pregnant but even after we came home and her baby was born she did not come and visit until our boy was 3 months old. She never asks about how he is or how his many, many appointments have gone. He has had brain scans, hearing tests, physio etc she knows about all the appointments but never asks after him.

I thought I would feel better as time went on but with every week that goes by and she doesn't ask after him I get more and more angry. I haven't confronted her as my husband isn't keen for me to do so (it's his sister). He has very little family so I would feel bad if it caused them to fall out but equally I feel it is eating me up.

Should I forgive and forget for the sake of my husband? Or do you agree that her behaviour unforgivable?

It's interesting to hear another perspective. That's the whole reason I posted as my friends and family that I talk to about this are just as angry!!! It is possible she was scared but I can't help but feel it's actually just because she doesn't care. I need to let go of the anger for my sake and for the future relationship of our kids. Just need to work out how to do that

Op that was the thing that did it for me Dh came in and was saying x said this y has sent this card- and I was saying has your mum rang or asked about him and nothing. To be perfectly honest and although he would never admit it dh feelings towards his mother changed over that time I can see he was so gutted over her indifference nothing she could do now could change that disappointment ever.
Ds is fine now thank you op I hope you get some positive news about your ds it must have been so frightening for you xx

ineed I must say don't agree that it's hard to judge the situation. The facts outlined by the Op speak for themselves and I honestly think it would be expecting an awful lot for Op to have a gentle chat with sil. It's Op going through this as a mother, she's the person who deserves consideration.

Could she possibly have resented the attention being taken away from her and her bump? I know it sounds odd but you do get people who really struggle when others go through something like this because of all the attention they get (even with really terrible and difficult situations)

All seems very odd. Does she live far away? Not visiting until 3 months seems extreme, especially since you mention your DH doesn't have many other family members..

I'm so sorry for your DS. My husband's SIL has behaved appallingly towards DH and I for years. We've had some very challenging times and she has actually just ignored us, never mind asking after our/ DC welfare or offering any sort of kind word. There would be absolutely no point in speaking to her or explaining how some of the things she's done has made us feel because she doesn't care. In fact she would probably use it with MIL to make out that I had had a go at her.
To protect myself and my feelings I have just started to ignore her now. I feel a lot better for just knowing that I won't be constantly trying/ hoping for better/ manners/ a relationship/ any sort of civility. Some people are just awful. You can't change them or make them decent.

Perhaps she didn't visit you in hospital when pregnant in case of infections etc; and after her baby was born she no doubt had her hands full. Your life is full of your child, and her life is full of her new baby.

I always think that you find out who your true family and friends are when you have a crisis. The fact she backed right off for whatever reason says she's not a very thoughtful or caring person, and from now on, I'd be civil for the sake of family harmony but no more than that. It's upsetting when someone doesn't turn out to be the person you expected them to be, but you can't polish a turd and all that........ I hope that your little (and one) are recovering well .

little one (and you) even!! Doh!!

How close were you all before the birth?
If she's changed the dynamic and instantly become distant than YANBU.

However if she is just not close and this is the standard then you can't really expect someone to change.

You can forgive her in your own mind, but that doesn't have to mean putting yourself in harm's way again. You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with or put yourself in a position where you're vulnerable to her. She sounds like a narcissist and if so she will hurt you again if she gets the chance.

I agree with peppa. I think your anger is displaced. Yes, your sil has behaved selfishly, but to still be angry about it now seems disproportionate. Have you had enough professional support to help you deal with your little one's illness? Life is very unfair sometimes and it can be difficult to process the injustice of why your ds was so poorly. Is it possible that's actually what you're angry about?

coco I see what you are saying. I didn't mean to suggest that the OP's feelings aren't paramount here, or that she should tiptoe around the SIL for fear of upsetting her. (I appreciate that it came across like that.) I just meant that there might be something to it - something that still might be utterly inexcusable - but that might explain it. And that thing might help OP let go of the anger, even if she never forgives.

I say this because it sounds to me like a very unusual breakdown of communication. One person has never said anything at all about a huge family crisis. The person going through the crisis has been asked (by her husband) not to mention it to the first person. The result is a lot of stoked-up anger, which is totally understandable. Nobody is talking to anybody about anything, and it is possible that there is a huge misunderstanding at the root of this. It is also possible that the SIL is a selfish cow, or has repugnant views about her nephew, or anything else. But until they actually sit down and talk about it, it's just a massive elephant in the room.

I wonder what the SILs perspective on this would be?

Your messages are all about why wasn't she there for us, why didn't she visit, why didn't she ask. But can you say that you done all of that for her? Whilst you understandably were focussed on your child, do you think she might feel that you have ignored her baby? You say she never visited you, but did you ever visit her?

I'm not saying that her behaviour is right, but often there is two sides to every story.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment. It's interesting to hear another perspective, however, knowing her as I do, the only thing that seems to be plausible is that she may have been angry about the attention being taken away from her and her baby. (When we contacted her to congratulate her on the birth of her son - while ours was still in hospital - she described the birth as "traumatic" when actually it was very straight forward. Just another example of being very insensitive I feel)

As much as I don't like to admit it, it's possible I am angry about what happened to my LO and am reflecting that anger into her. Maybe I even want to hold onto it as it's a distraction from accepting what happened. Who knows!

But either way I think I have decided that I will be civil for the sake of my husband, but I am going to keep my distance.

Midnite - I made lots of contact with her initially. I rang to congratulate her on the birth of her boy which was unbelievably hard while I didn't know if mine was going to live. I sent a card and present, again while I was living in the hospital not knowing if my boy would make it. When her daughter was born the previous year I went down to visit straight away and would constantly ask after her. I remembered every appointment - every set of jabs, congratulated them on every milestone. I threw their daughter a 1st birthday party as they couldn't afford to do so.

I just feel that after everything we went through it was their turn to show they cared and make the time to visit us. I've been going out of my way for them for years

Don’t have a row with her, instead accept her as she is.

I have had a SIL for 34 years now who has never sent a christmas card, acknowledged the birth of our son with cards/gifts/phone call. She keeps to herself but is the nicest person ever and is thoroughly trustworthy. I love her to bits.

In contrast my BIL always sends cards, phones, visits, ‘likes' on FB etc yet when we were in business with him, and his wife, they ripped us off and almost ruined us.

My own mother never bothered to contact me and we always had to contact her in situations such as after I had major operations, gave birth, christmas etc. I just excepted that was the way she was and never confronted her about it.

Don’t expect anything from her and take the high ground. Your husband will thank you for it.

I’m sorry to hear your baby had a rough start and hope he’s doing better now.

I think so, yes.

I don't think you should be expected to forgive her and I wouldn't try to fake any warmth or friendship/family feelings.

For the sake of my dp I wouldn't cause an argument but I wouldn't have any contact with her myself - he can have all the contact he wants.