To have a change in heart?

[chasingdaisy2]

I am here for some much needed opinions hopefully!

Bit of background.. I am 26 and DP is 29. Been together almost 4 years and have a great relationship. Recently bought our first home together, have permanent full time jobs and money is fine/good. My DP has wanted children for as long as I can remember and I have no doubts he would be an amazing dad. We have just gained our first and only nephews (no nieces), one in November closely followed by one in December. I think for both of us this has A) really brought to light how much we would love a child of our own and B) also how hard it can be. We love taking them for the day and overnight and the joy they have brought to the whole family is immense. At the end of November I ended up in hospital after a doctors appointment where I found out I had actually fallen pregnant but was miscarrying. I was on the pill but had been unwell with Norovirus. Obviously this was an awful time for us both and brought so many emotions with it (considering my sister had just given birth to my nephew and my other sister to shortly follow, it was a bit harsh to deal with IYSWIM).

Fast forward 7 months to June and we decide we would like to properly TTC and I come off the pill. We try for 3 months with no luck amongst various family problems (his side) and buying a house. I have put it down to stress and probably not DTD as often as we'd have liked to. We go on holiday in 4 weeks time, 2 Caribbean cruises, and so decide to have a break until after the holiday so we can both fully enjoy the all inclusive food/bar/sports activities with no worries. However.. I have found myself thinking recently if I am just doing this because I feel I should as he desperately wants one and that we have lost one in the past? I definitely want kids but I am forever finding myself thinking is this the right time? Do I want to give up stress free days/nights out & our many holidays? Long lies and just time to myself in general. I know my life would change dramatically. Then in the same breath I can imagine seeing a positive result, can't wait to tell friends & family, having a bump and then giving my DP the best gift I think he'd ever want. I know we would make great parents and would be a solid team, I literally cannot fault him anywhere. But I am just so so scared! I tried to mention it to him last night and he was really shocked and quite taken aback that I would question whether now was the right time after we had already been trying for a little while. And I completely understand his reaction because it does seem bizarre that I was once 'ready' and now I am not sure?

Is this normal? Am I the only one who is torn in making this huge decision? Any advice would be much appreciated 

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss OP.

I think it's normal to waiver, it is a huge, life altering decision and everything is unknown. I too worried about missing carefree time with my husband, stopping work etc. In our ten months ttc, I had several wobbles which really threw my poor husband as I was really invested one month, reading all the books, very broody and taking prenatal vits etc, then I'd be telling him I didn't feel ready.

I can't tell you what is right for you but just to reassure you're not the only one who has felt like this.

I'm currently 27 weeks with our first and DH and I are on cloud nine. We were so close before and pregnancy has made us even closer and deepened our love for each other.

Good luck with whatever path you take

PS keep talking to your DP about how you are feeling. Obvious but so important.

I really feel for you, honestly. I'm not sure if this is much help but I'll say it anyway. I felt like that - I was 39 and had plenty of money, freedom, lovely holidays etc. However, when I did get pregnant I can't tell you how it changed me. For the first time in my life I felt at peace. People told me I looked so serene! (If you knew me that would make you giggle.) I took great care of myself (I like drinking btw). I wanted to do it for my baby. All I can say is that it is the purest love I ever felt - and it doesn't go away. It will change your lives, but hopefully for the better. Children can be great fun on holiday!

You sound lovely people in a solid relationship. You're bound to feel scared. Good luck x

Thank you both so much. Really means a lot and I think I know what to do now. I know deep down it is what I want and in a way I kind of wish it would just happen and so we would deal with it, but it seems a whole different ball game when I have spent the best part of 10 years trying not to get pregnant, and now going out of my way to do it I know both our families are anticipating/hoping for this and would be over the moon for us, so that is another thing I would love to give DP parents their first grandchild but at the end of the day it is OUR lives that will be changing.. not theirs. It is a lot to get my head around.

And thank you trampoline our favourite holiday destination is Florida so I am sure we can incorporate some kids into that no bother

With both of my DC, after getting pregnant I had a massive "I'VE CHANGED MY MIND" moment. But they are the absolute best thing to happen to us. Yes I'm tired, yes I'd like to have 5 minutes and a hot cup of tea (I have 2 under 2 so no chance) but they make everything so much more fun. We are closer to family now, we go on more adventures, we laugh more. Honestly, its scary and a big adjustment, but so worth it. Sometimes I think you hear so much of how hard it is and people forget to mention how bloody worth it it is!

I remember those "Oh shit! What have I done? This is the rest of my life" feelings before, throughout and after birth. For what it is worth though my children are the best things that ever happened to me and I do not regret having them. I think it is the acknowledgement that life will change forever, life is different once you have children but it is still amazing.

I have just text DP to say last night's convo has been playing on my mind and asked if we could discuss it properly tonight. He replied saying yes but I have to think about what I meant last night as it was 'a bit of a boot in the balls' if he is honest. I feel awful now and half wish I hadn't brought it up at all. Aaaargh why can't I just be dead cert on one thing or the other !!

It's such a life changing decision that I think it would be strange not to question it at some point. I took a pregnancy test (we had been trying for 9 months) and my initial reaction was 'oh fuck, what have we done'.
Just my insight to motherhood over the last 2 years. You will have moments where you wish you could go back. When you are so sleep deprived you can't think. You will argue with your DP and will walk out of the house in clothes that have baby spit/puke on BUT, there is nothing quite like it. Your love knows no bounds when it's your own child. They make you forgive them the world with one small smile, a cuddle or a laugh. They challenge you to go further and fight harder than you have gone before. They teach you that there really is beauty in such small things that you had lost. They make you appreciate date nights or rare nights off.

I think that questioning if it's the right time is actually a good thing. It means you realise that your life will (and rightly should) change. Keep talking to DP. Let him know your fears. You need to be in this together. Children aren't easy but when you have the right time it can be the best thing in the world

To put the less heard but possibly more RL prevalent point of view...having a child was one of the worst decisions I ever made.

I love my DD but it has changed my life for the worse in many many ways, not least that my body and mind were shattered by the process.

We just got back from a holiday that was supposed to mark regaining our lives and going back to enjoying some of the things we used to before having a child and it was basically awful....because nothing was anywhere near as before because every waking moment is still very much dominated by our child's needs.

You would be VU to make a decision of this magnitude without properly thinking through it and having a least a few wobbles.

If your reasons for doing it aren't all that clear...like maybe a combination of 'well that's just what you do when you hit this age' and 'my partner wants kids' then I would strongly suggest thinking again.

In your position I would want to be married before I started a family.
At 26 you are young still. I started my family after a year of marriage and had my first child at 28. I wish now that I had left it for another couple of years. Babies are like living through a landslide, overwhelming, life changing, mainly wonderful but exhausting.

I think it's perfectly normal to have doubts and know a couple of friends were intending to go back on the pill just before they found out they were pregnant.

It's good because it means you're taking the commitment of having a child seriously.

I always find the best way to make s decision is to just make one, and then decide over the next couple of days if that decision feels right. So in your case I would decide that I was putting it off for s year or 18 months and that I would start using g contraceptives asap. Then tomorrow morning you'll either wake up feeling relieved or you'll be wishing you could have a baby sooner.

Either way there's no harm in leaving it for 12 months, if you're still not sure.