AIBU To ask advice on how to stick up for DD with her friend who helps herself to her things?

[TurkishDelighted]

13 year old DD has a friend who "helps herself" to things in DD'S room without asking. These things are not big things, but DD gets upset that she isn't asked. For example the friend helped herself to DD's cotton wool make up pads and used them all in a craft project she was doing at our house. She took some of DD's craft paper home apparently even though DD asked her not to.

I have Aspergers and struggle to know how best to deal with this. Should I "Have a word" with DD's friend myself to ask her to stop helping herself to stuff without asking or is this too heavy -handed? I don't want to over-react as each incident isn't anything huge. However, I want to somehow help my DD stick up for herself and establish boundaries.
Thanks for any advice.

Have a word with DD and explain why you don't want the girl in your house anymore. Let her handle it with her friend if she wants too or tell the friend yourself. Be polite but firm and explain that you find her behaviour unacceptable.

This isn't a good friend for DD and you should tell DD that she doesn't have to invite her over any more because she's not a nice girl.

I find planting the seed works.

Kids can be quite defensive of their friends despite them annoying them so telling your DD not to invite the girl around because she's not a good friend may get her to defend her and list all her good qualities.

Whereas a general discussion about how friends ask for things, how you don't have to become friends out of school with people you get on well with in class and you don't need to invite people over who don't respect your stuff and how you can stand up for yourself can make her think for herself whether the people in her life are people she wants there.
It can also confirm her thought processes are correct and empower her to do something about it herself.

I was hoping to try and deal with the problem by "Saying something" to the friend rather than banning her from the house. I just don't quite know what to say or whether it's appropriate to speak to dd's friend directly about it. DD likes this girl but gets upset about this one aspect of friend's behaviour.

What would you say? "Stop stealing my DD's stuff?"

This kid thinks it's OK to steal from your DD. What do you think the repercussions might be if you ' had a word'? Would it achieve anything positive? Protect your DD and stop having her in your house. She is no friend to your child.

See the thing is I really don't see it as "Stealing" exactly. I think that the friend is very comfortable in our home and thinks that she is welcome to use our stuff. What she doesn't realise is that there are boundaries and she needs to ask before helping herself.

youarenotkiddingme I know what you mean about planting the seed. Problem is that DD knows friend 's behaviour is unacceptable and doesn't know how to stand up to her. DD is asking me for advice and I feel helpless as to know what to do for the best.

If I was you I'd be on it a lot. If they're upstairs ask your DD to come down to get a drink and let you know if anything has happened. When the friend is leaving just saying to her "oh I'm sorry, you can't take any of the craft paper, DD needs it"
Talk through with your DD what she will say "sorry you can't use those how about xxx instead" identify with her why she isn't saying this already - is she worried she will lose the friendship, the girl will say she isn't fun etc and then work out the strategy of what you will do if this happens.

DS should handle this by says by to friend something along the lines and of: ‘you can’t come to my house anymore if you keep taking things from my room, I know it’s only cotton wool and paper, but you didn’t ask and I don’t like it when you do that.’

At 13, she should try to handle small misdemeanours like this in her own and learn to be assertive.

I would try to support your daughter to tackle it in the first instance.

If you get involved at this stage, it makes it into a much bigger deal than it needs to be and also doesn't give your daughter the opportunity to practice being assertive.

I would also draw a line under the previous behaviour and practice how your daughter addresses it as and when a similar situation occurs in the future.
If the other girl just has a different concept of boundaries then she needs it explaining to her in a calm and situation specific way. "Oh do you mind not taking X because I need it for y" (or whatever reason your daughter doesn't want it used). Just how you are checking about what is an appropriate response, maybe this girl doesn't get that she should ask before using certain things? (If someone tells her and she still does it then that might be a different matter).

I don't agree with banning the girl from your house as that will surely end or damage a friendship that your daughter wants and is happy with (with the exception of some cotton pads and some craft paper being used)?

Pengggwn RubyBoots7 Thank you both so much for your really helpful advice. Your suggestions are exactly what I was hoping for. I feel sorry for my DD as I am not a good role model for assertive behaviour and I imagine most kids pick up these skills from parents. I will have a talk with dd later and tell her about the strategies you have suggested. I really don't want her to lose a good friend over a few cotton wool pads. I just want her to be able to stick up for herself and establish boundaries.

In what context is she "helping herself ". Are they working on art projects together? Or is it going in her hand bag and going home with her? Because they are two different scenarios entirely

I honestly think it’s important to encourage children to deal with things like this themselves. It gives them a good basis for when they’ve grown up and can’t call mum each time they encounter something like this and stops them being taken advantage of. I’d encourage dd to tell her friend firmly that she can’t use x thing or take y thing home and help her to feel confident in doing so maybe by practicing a role play. If that doesn’t work maybe dd should say to her friend that she’d rather not play at home with her if she can’t respect her things. They can always play out or your dd can go to her friends house. A lot of children find confrontation intimidating but learning how to deal with it is a priceless life skill imo

just say "look i'm sorry I've got Aspergers so I don't know how to say this politely but can you stop nicking stuff off my daughter please? Its rude."

: )

Tell her - the house rules are, that if you want to use anything thats not yours, you ASK first. If you take stuff without asking, you wont be able to come round anymore.

All of these replies are so bloody polite. As women we are brought up not to be confrontational and end up letting people trample all over us!

There's no need for your DD to start the sentence with "sorry" when she asks her friend not to steal her stuff, or to come up with elaborate play-acting where you pretend you need the stuff her friend has nicked.

Your DD needs to learn to be assertive (that's not the same as aggressive!) and say "no, you can't take that, it's mine, get your own" She can say it in a cheeky way "buy your own you cheeky cow!" or she can be straight about it and say "you need to get your mum to buy you some if you need it".

Also, I expect my DCs to stick to the same rules - if they want to borrow something from my office (paper, Sharpies etc) I expect them to ask first and to put it back afterwards. If DD wants to borrow my make-up or craft supplies ditto. It sounds 'mean' and selfish to some, but having them learn to respect other people's boundaries is useful in so many ways.

My DP has had to buy loads of phone chargers because his DD just takes them and they disappear. My DCs know that the chargers stay where they are, if they want to borrow one they ask or they plug in where it already is! Being a little bit selfish is necessary in a household of entitled teens.

She's not a good friend. She is being rude and disrespectful towards your dd. I would have a chat with your Dd about how good friends behave towards each other, how friends don't take advantage of other people's good nature.
I would tell her that she is entitled to her view point and to say to her friend that she isn't to use her things anymore. If friend is a good friend then she will respect your daughter's wishes, if she doesn't then maybe she is showing her true colours and your Dd is better off without this friendship.

She doesn't think it's ok to take the things OP....you said clearly that your DD asked her not to.

Therefore, she's taking the piss.

You need to teach DD not to let other people take advantage of her.

Thank you all for your advice. I think that I will encourage DD to say to friend "Don't take X without asking. You wouldn't like it if I did it at your house". The trouble is that DD is saying nothing whilst simmering inside. The irony is that DDs friend is really mean about sharing her own stuff!

The cotton pads could maybe have just been her feeling comfortable to help herself but you said she took the craft paper after your dd had asked her not to. That is stealing in my book - not the most serious kind but she took something of your dds that she didn't want her to take. Your dd has already spoken to her and been ignored so I would only allow her in my house where she could be kept an eye on from now on personally. How do you know she won't help herself to anything she likes the look of of higher value?

I can still remember my friend telling me to stop using her perfume without asking-we often used to get ready to go at her house and I guess I just felt comfortable enough to help myself. Never did it again!
So my suggestion is for your dd to bite the bullet and say something herself