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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to struggle with my homosexuality

11 replies

username7979 · 25/09/2017 23:13

I came out later in life and divorced my abusive husband. He now says to all his family, friends and our children that I left for a woman. I left because of his behaviour.
At the moment I have 2 lives: one straight life as the mother of my children, professionally and a gay life, when my children are not with me. I have a girlfriend. I enjoy her company but I do not like her to be part of my straight life, I don't like to be seen out with her except in gay places or circles.
I feel anxious going out. I do not speak to my friends from before the divorce except a chosen few. I came out to one of them recently. She took it well but since I have felt deeply uncomfortable, and I have make excuses not to see her. Now she is not responding to my texts.
I don't feel I belong anywhere. AIBU I have no desire to go out.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 26/09/2017 00:01

I'm sorry I don't have much practical advice but I didn't want to read and run.

What I can say is that coming out especially later in life is a process and it can take time but in my little experience being who you are is never a bad thing, be honest and you can't ever go wrong even if that means you lose people because if you lose them it's because they don't deserve to be in your life.

I think it's really important though that you seek help and support about the abuse you suffered during your marriage I think that it will colour everything at the moment because abuse screws your brain and emotions and with how you fit in the world. It could be affecting how you feel about being gay too because you may be feeling it is a result of being treated so badly rather than it being a natural and good part of your life.

I hope Iv helped and not just ranted crap at you Blush good luck op, can I just say congratulations on being very very brace and creating a new life you deserve to be happy, don't let anyone ever make you feel you don't deserve it.

Original poster
username7979 · 26/09/2017 00:05

you may be feeling it is a result of being treated so badly rather than it being a natural and good part of your life.
Thanks GInky, I guess that's a big question for me!

OP posts:
Catinthecorner · 26/09/2017 00:08

Your poor girlfriend.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/09/2017 00:11

As Ginkypig said, you have been through a lot and that should be looked into. But thinking about your sexuality, maybe think about why you feel you want it seperate. Are you scared of others reactions, do you enjoy having your own escape etc and then look at what it is that makes you anxious about those two worlds merging.

So glad you're out of the abusive relationship and now have a loving one. I think it's possible that the former has left you a little lost in loving yourself though. I hope you can find that Flowers

Original poster
username7979 · 26/09/2017 00:16

MiddleClassProblem I have always been a bit anxious socialy. My abusive marriage did not help my self-confidence. And now on top coming to term with being a lesbian/bi/sexually fluid or queer whatever the label.

OP posts:
Tryingeveryday · 26/09/2017 00:20

Catinthecorner that seems a bit unnecessarily sharp

brasty · 26/09/2017 00:36

Coming out is difficult for many people, and it is a process. And the sad fact is you may lose people along the way who turn their back on you.
BUT when you are able to be honest about who you are, you will realise just how stressful it was to live this double life as it were.

In the meantime you could probably do with someone to talk to about all of this. Do you have a friend you could talk to? Or consider counselling maybe?

Shamoo · 26/09/2017 00:39

I can relate to how you feel to an extent, it took me a long time to come to terms with my sexulality, although I didn't also have the violent ex which must make it harder. I was ashamed and kept my life secret from my family for a long time.
From the moment I told my wider family, and made a commitment to myself to just be open very early when meeting new people (where relevant e.g. referring to my partner as she when talking about her at work), it has been great. I realised that the only person who really cared was me. I haven't received any negativity from anybody who I care about in the slightest. To be honest, nobody cares.
I can imagine it is harder with kids and an ex, but you deserve to be happy and to live your life with joy. The best way to put your ex in his place is to be happy. If your gf is a good person, cherish her.

tygr · 26/09/2017 00:41

Hi

What you said about having a straight life and a gay life really struck me. Because you are you - a whole person - and who you are is who you are, wherever you are and whoever you are with. Sounds like you're experiencing inner conflict and that's manifesting as an outward split.

I'm bisexual and it's perfectly legitimate and possible to be bisexual. I'm not straight when I'm with a guy and gay when I'm with a woman. I'm always bisexual.

You might not identify as bi but perhaps somehow you can think about how to integrate who you are do you can be yourself all the time.

That would seem to be to be worth working towards.

Oh and good luck.

Being in a minority isn't easy.

xxx

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2017 00:43

It sounds tough and you probably have a long road ahead of you.

However, I'm not sure how long your girlfriend is going to be happy in this relationship.

You say, 'I enjoy her company' but hopefully there's more to the relationship than that?

Original poster
username7979 · 26/09/2017 00:48

Worral yes I do also enjoy intimacy with her.
But I don't know who I am and 'finding' myself while in a relationship might be difficult.

OP posts:
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