I feel nervous posting about this. I do not wish to post too many details and out myself. Well, here goes:
I grew up in a home where there was some domestic violence against my mum but also against me and an older sibling- mostly verbal and emotional abuse that only occasionally became physical, but was mostly threats and intimidation, gaslighting, ridiculing, minimising, mocking and certain health needs we had were not met etc. I remember living in fear that one of us would get killed and often having anxiety and panic episodes that made me extremely unwell. I remember feeling helpless, worthless and intense shame. To top it all off, i suffered bullying from my earliest years at primary school, and was sexually assaulted more than once as an older child. I also experienced a relative who would touch me betwen my thighs as a small child and make sexual comments to me. Not exactly abuse, but still not nice.
I have self harmed since childhood and had problems with food for as long as i can remember. Also other behaviours. As a young adult I was labelled as having a personality disorder, and had some behavioural therapy designed for people with a PD diagnosis. I was told by the therapist that PD is often rooted in complex trauma and some doctors see it as a form of C-PTSD. I read about PTSD and realise I fit all the symptoms and behaviours. I had a breakdown recently (one of many over the years) and was informed by the mental health team that, yes, I was exhibiting real trauma symptoms and maybe trauma therapy would help. Well, I have had another assesment and have been allocated a new CPN.
Went to see new CPN today. I admit I do have problems trusting people and with paranoiad beliefs that others are invalidating me and rejecting me. Well, when I started to describe my childhood, she would say things like "but you weren't hit?" and she "hmmed" a lot. I asked her of her experiences with people who have CPTSD etc and she told me she was familiar with it and had worked with those who had severe cases. She did not say she would NOT refer me to therapy but she said she wanted to get to know me first. She did not want to use the notes she had been given from those who helped me when I broke down a few months ago. I cannot help feeling she sees my case as a waste of time???
Now I am starting to doubt myself again. It took me a long time to admit to myself I deserved ANY help and that what happened WAS abuse. I feel like the NHS geenrally does not think my case is worth treating. But I have had violent and suicidal episodes so bad the police have been called and my issues trusting people and paranoia have ruined my close relationships and made me scared because so many things "trigger" me. I am also considered unfir for work due to this issue. But I feel like I am a waste of space as regards funding and maybe the doctors etc feel the same??