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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell his family the truth?

36 replies

Bridge9484 · 25/09/2017 14:23

Long story but I'll keep it as short as possible. My ex (DS dad) and I separated a little while ago, I am heavily pregnant with our second child.

Ex sees a lot of his family but hasn't got a particularly close relationship with any of them. I'd never met any of his family before falling pregnant with DS and when DS was born it fell to me to make the effort for his family to even spend time with him as Ex was too busy. His parents were happy to visit once a month, no other family members would get in touch to arrange anything and, as I don't really know them, I would have had no way of getting in contact with them myself. Ex would never be here when his parents visited, leaving it to me to play host. I barely know any of his family so it was very awkward and uncomfortable. Due to my work commitments changing, I wasn't able to be available as freely as I had been and this caused tension with Ex's family. I explained the situation to his parents and asked Ex to speak to them to make sure that they knew that I wasn't being awkward, I just didn't have as much free time anymore. I later found out that he didn't do this and this led to his parents no longer visiting DS or spending any time with him.

We used to argue about this quite often and Ex would become very defensive of his family and get quite verbally abusive towards me. One of these arguments was the cause of our separation.

Ex has been living with his parents since we separated and I have found out that he has told his family that I refused to allow them to have contact with DS, that I was constantly offensive about them and various other lies. He has been telling them this for a long time, obviously to make himself look good by giving me an evil persona and, as they didn't really know me, they have readily believed his stories.

I am nearing my due date. I would like my kids to have a relationship with both sides of their family. I am willing to draw a line under past events and start again, as long as Ex tells his family the truth. That I'm actually nice, that I'm a good mum and that he has caused the divide between us all by lying to me about how much time his family wanted to spend with DS and by lying to his family to say that I wouldn't allow them to visit. Ex refuses to do this and says that he's entitled to tell people his version of events (twat).

So the question is: Would I be unreasonable if I told his parents? I'm so annoyed that DS is missing out on having a relationship with his grandparents over something so stupid. I really feel like sending them a letter explaining things truthfully, even attaching pissing screenshots to prove that I'm not the liar and offering them the opportunity to develop a relationship with DS and this baby when they are born. Should I? Or am I just being angry and hormonal?

OP posts:

Ilovecoleslaw · 25/09/2017 14:33

I would tell them

Nanny0gg · 25/09/2017 14:35

Well, you clearly can't trust your Ex, but I wouldn't have high hopes for his family either...

Tell, but don't be disappointed if they don't believe you. And really it is down to your Ex to facilitate a relationship between your children and his family.

Nquartz · 25/09/2017 14:40

I agree you should tell them but don't be surprised if they don't believe you

Original poster

Bridge9484 · 25/09/2017 14:44

Tbh, I don't expect it to make the slightest bit of difference. It's easier to believe that I'm horrible than their son being a liar. At least I can always honestly say that I did my best for my kids.

OP posts:

snowgirl1 · 25/09/2017 14:52

Is there are risk that if you do this that your ex might withdraw contact from your DS and the baby? So they could end up with even less family contact than they have now?

I'd be more inclined to just write to the GPs and say you'd really like them involved in your children's lives going forward...but not try to rectify what your ex has said in the past, i.e. not send screenshots to try to prove you're nice/he's a liar.

Allthebestnamesareused · 25/09/2017 14:54

I would write them a letter (keeping a copy) so that you make sure that you get everything out that you want to without them interrupting or saying bus Son says etc. I would also say that you'd like them to have an ongoing relationship with both their grandchildren.

That way it is there for them to see in black and white.

highinthesky · 25/09/2017 14:56

Ex is a pants-on-fire-liar. If his parents don't already know what they have created, they'll find out soon enough wwhat they have created.

Separate your feelings for Mr Twat from his family. You kids deserve to have a relationship with their GPs so do whatever you can to help. Once they get to know you better, they will realise that your ex will have lied to them....eventually.

KimmySchmidt1 · 25/09/2017 15:00

Not quite sure why the heck you are having another baby with this man, but I suppose that, like thousands of other similar baffling arrangements, is just another unfortunate story.

In the meantime, you are going to be a single mum with two kids - pretty difficult - so I would focus on what you can do to win his parents' trust and hopefully get their support in bringing up the kids. That might mean a letter to them direct, but it probably doesn't mean completely destroying your ex in their eyes, as that is unlikely to get you what you want. So try to be conciliatory, not to criticise him too much, and focus on the relationship you want with them going forward. They will secretly know if their own son is an immature, forgetful liar - you don't need to spell it out for them - and you will be probably pushing at open door in terms of grandparents wanting to see their grandchildren. Try to think strategically about getting your children what they need, rather than purely about exonerating yourself and dumping in him in it.

TitaniasCloset · 25/09/2017 15:01

You should tell them. Why does he get away with his crap? They need to know the truth. Another overgrown bloody man child.

From the parents perspective my friend fell out with her daughter in law while she was pregnant and they didn't talk for years but her son would occasionally get in contact and tell my friend how awful his wife is. Recently my df got back in touch with dil as her son and dil have broken up and he moved back in with his mum. and lo and behold her ds has been stretching the truth all this time and dil has been going through an absolute nightmare. Now my df will have a relationship with her gc and the situation is much healthier since the truth came out.

TitaniasCloset · 25/09/2017 15:02

Agree with kimmy that seems the best approach.

innagazing · 25/09/2017 15:04

Write to your Pil and invite them to visit shortly after the birth.
Actions speak louder than words. It'll be impossible for your ex to maintain that you don't want to see PIL if you're actually inviting them to visit
When the right moment arises, tell them that their are two sides to every story, and that you're upset by some of the untrue information that ex has told them.

purplecollar · 25/09/2017 15:07

Totally agree with Kimmy. Look at the outcome you want and look for the best way of achieving it. It might be a bit manipulative. But I think involving them in the nitty gritty of your arguments and criticising their ds, would be a bad move strategically.

Cheeseandwin5 · 25/09/2017 15:07

Not sure, Would you be happy if he went to your friends and family and started spurting out the truth as he saw it? I would certainly leave channels of communications open and maybe send an email / letter which includes everyone so they could all see that you weren't keeping the kids from anyone, but I would leave the anger and discriminations aside. Otherwise what you are doing is asking the parents to choose between their son and their grandchildren which will only do more harm than good.

ElizabethDarcey · 25/09/2017 15:08

Oh they won't believe you honey, sorry. :( Worth saying I reckon, but they are on his side (and are idiots to be hosting someone that didn't even make himself available for them to visit in the past).

guilty100 · 25/09/2017 15:10

I absolutely would set the record straight, but I'd do it in the spirit of "This is what happened, you can take it or leave it". Don't give any value to their opinion of your - they aren't worth it.

AlexsMum89 · 25/09/2017 15:14

This reminds me of my lying ex husband. We've been divorced for a long time and his parents see DS once a week (they have him after school one day for a few hours). Every now and again he creates a horrible tense situation with some lie. The last one being:
Both my family who look after DS sometimes and his parents needed new car seats for DS. I text my ex and asked him to buy his parents and I would buy for my family (thinking for once he could take part responsibility). He decided he couldn't afford it and told his parents that I'D SAID if they didn't buy him a new seat themselves they couldn't look after him any more and I'D SAID it was their responsibility to do so.
Well, the next time I saw them I just gave them my phone to read the messages from him and they realised what a horrible liar he is. We were all furious but at least none of it was misdirected at me.

CardinalCat · 25/09/2017 15:20

I would write a letter, sent recorded delivery, which you keep a copy of. I would state that it has come to your attention that there may be a misunderstanding regarding access to your child (soon to be children) . That , for the record, you have never denied them access or said anything unpleasant about them- indeed, on the contrary, you would be delighted to facilitate a loving relationship with their grandchildren/ niece/nephews, and that you are very keen for their son (your ex) to facilitate this. If he is not able/ willing to be the broker in all of this, then they are welcome to come directly to you, and you will make the necessary arrangements.
Wait and see what happens. You are a good person who obviously wants what is best for her children. Please don't be broken hearted if they turn out to be cunts who ignore you or make life difficult.

And your children will be fine because they have you in their lives, and friends and adopted family- lots of children thrive on a LOT less/ worse, and you sound absolutely amazing as a mummy. Good luck with it all

TitaniasCloset · 25/09/2017 15:22

Why do these men never grow up? How do so many of them get away with it? What's going wrong in our society that so many men remain emotionally immature and irresponsible all their lives? I don't remember my grandparents and older relatives being this selfish and daft.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it's just the way I see it lately I have heard so many similar stories.

Original poster

Bridge9484 · 25/09/2017 15:51

AlexsMum89 - Do you have a good relationship with them now? I might be being simple and I don't expect to ever be close to his parents but I would hope that they would be amicable if they knew the truth. I'm not nearly as bad as he's made out!

KimmySchmidt1 - One of those times where a person doesn't show their true colours until things aren't going their way! Good advice, thank you

OP posts:

AlexsMum89 · 25/09/2017 15:59

It's hard to know what type of people they are, but it's definitely worth telling them the truth in a factual way. When I handed over my phone with the messages on, it was just factual.

We have an OK relationship, it's a bit difficult at times but that's not got anything to do with my ex, just that they do frustrating grandparent things and I know that I can't trust them simply because of the type of people they are.
But we get along ok, I see them once a week when I pick up DS, we have a civil chat and that's about it. I don't have them on things like my facebook as I know my ex likes to guess their passwords and he likes to cause trouble, so I keep them at arms length.

The important thing is that they know I'm happy for them to have a relationship with DS and he see's them regularly.
Sorry that was a bit of a ramble

emmyrose2000 · 27/09/2017 08:16

I would definitely tell them the truth. There's no way I'd sit back and let my name/reputation be besmirched by some scumbag with his own agenda.

Depending on their response, I wouldn't be going out of my way to facilitate contact with them either. If it's that important to them to have a relationship with their grandchildren, they'll buck up their ideas and/or tell their son to get his finger out of his arse and make more of an effort.

CamperVamp · 27/09/2017 08:36

I think writing to them is a good idea.

I would put the emphasis on your DS caring about his grandparents and you wanting the opportunity of a relationship with them for both your kids, rather than it being a letter about your Ex's lying. But you need to say 'just to be clear, I have always supported DS seeeing you, I hope the enclosed screen shots will explain some of the differences between Ex and I".

Mrswoofy · 27/09/2017 08:40

Why don't you get the kids to send birthday and Christmas cards with hand prints and pictures? You might be seen as manipulative but it's a lot of effort to go to if you don't want contact.

RedForFilth · 27/09/2017 08:43

I'd keep all communication with your ex written so you have proof of everything should you need it. Then you can show it to them if you choose to. It is absolutely his responsibility to facilitate contact with his side of the family, you have enough to do with raising 2 kids alone. What a pathetic excuse for a father.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 27/09/2017 08:46

I dont understand why the blokes parents didn think it odd he was never there when they visited?

I am assuming some cultural diffrences? Has he got a wife tucked away somewhere?

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