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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask for advice here?

5 replies

mammamatriarch · 25/09/2017 12:12

This is my first go on this...am hoping the anonymity could be helpful. My youngest has just started school & I am overwhelmed with sadness at prospect of not having a little one at home with me any longer! I had to give up work 18 months ago due to depression. My MiL has been subbing us each month as a consequence. She says she is happy to until I am fully better, but I feel awful/embarassed. Time off has made me a bit better, but now I really don't want to return. I wonder if I should take this opportunity (via her funds) to volunteer/retrain so that if/when I do return it is into something I truly want to do (previous work just admin)? Or should I remain a SAHM for longer?

To put depression into context, my Dad died after years of suffering (was hardest 5 years of my life). I had my children in this period & feel their baby/toddlerhood was completely overshadowed by the grief. In his final year, whilst I was trying to care for him, my newborn also got meningitus (had both in hospital for a period & ultimately had to prioritise son, who recovered thankfully). After dad died my maternity leave ended a month later, had to return to a stressful job. Within a few months then lost x2 grandparents & family dog. Then eldest son got seriously ill & needed full-time care for 5 months (it was at this point I 'broke' & resigned). He was also diagnosed with ASD at this time, which has completely turned our world upside down! It's now been a year of relative peace thank goodness (apart from my recent diagnosis of arthritus aaargh!), but AIBU to think that this was a lot to cope with?

Written way to much, feel a bit silly now, but going to post anyway! Advice welcome!

OP posts:
Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 25/09/2017 12:15

I would definitely look for other work if its not making you happy, I wouldn't volunteer as its a bit of a 'two fingers up' to MIL that your working for free from her pocket.

I hope your find what brings you happiness.

KimmySchmidt1 · 25/09/2017 12:17

all those things together are a huge strain and bound to have an impact on your mental health. I think you dont want to turn it into a way of life though, do you? And the risk of staying at home being a housewife as your children grow older is that the confidence and sense of vitality and relevance you got from working in an office, as well as the adult control over some money of your own, are gone and you miss those things, and that damages your self esteem and confidence. Worse still, that you try to keep your children immature so that you feel better.

I would definitely suggest getting back on the horse part time, doing something you are confident you know how to do, so it is less stressful, and then look at re-training if there is something else you love and feel that you could take it on.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2017 12:20

I think you need to focus on your mental health before you jump back into work. You have had an incredibly hard several years, and I'm so sorry. Your MIL sounds like a wonderful person for helping you so much. Maybe you could help her around her house a bit lessen some of your guilt. I also recommend that you take the time for daily exercise which might really help your depression and arthritis.

Allthebestnamesareused · 25/09/2017 12:22

Would you feel comfortable enough to discuss this with MIL. She is obviously a lovely lady to have helped you out in this way.

Perhaps if you discussed with her how your confidence has been knocked and you were thinking that volunteering for say 6 months might help you build that confidence to get back into the work place she would think it a great idea and support you both financially and emotionally.

I have a grown DS who does not have a family yet but I'd like to think I would help like yours has. I don't think it would necessarily be 2 fingers up to her especially if you talk about it first. If you feel nervous about bring the subject up would your DH be able to raise it initially as she may be more frank with him anyway.

LetsSplashMummy · 25/09/2017 13:37

I think it is perfectly fine to take some time to get your health together and feel stronger. I'd start with exercise and building a support network/ socialising. Have a wee look if there is a job you would like, maybe similar to what you did but with an organisation you'd like to work for, a charity or something. If nothing this month, that's ok, no rush. Don't retrain unless you really want to do it, but know you can once you find your direction.

You are only just getting better, you have a health condition to manage and a son with ASD, don't take on too much too soon. Be kind to yourself.

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