To think my sex drive is gone for good?

[TammySwansonTwo]

Years ago, I was put on a drug that put me into pseudo menopause for two years. One of the side effects was that my libido completely went away - it's very hard to explain if you haven't experienced it, but it wasn't just "not being in the mood", the thought of sex or any physical contact beyond a hug made my skin crawl. I couldn't handle it. I do have a history of abuse which was never a factor when I had a sex drive, but once it was gone I couldn't just get on with it without being seriously traumatised - I tried once, it was a disaster and that was that.

After I stopped the medication I went straight back on the pill and waited for things to resolve. They didn't. My husband has a high sex drive and this caused so many problems I'm amazed we survived it. This lasted almost five years. Asked doctors for help but they weren't interesyed and told me it was psychological which I started to believe. After a while I decided to come off the pill even though I knew this meant my health would suffer and after around 6-8 months it came back, like a light switch being turned on. Then about a year later I got pregnant.

This problem started again in pregnancy and continued after birth. I was pumping and stopped around 7 months and my periods returned within a month. Two months ago the switch came back on, and then back off after 48 hours. Since then, nothing. I really need to go back on the pill as my periods are so horrific but I really fear that this won't improve if I don't let my hormones sort themselves out first. I'm seeing a gynae this week and will somehow have to explain to them that my periods are the worst they've been for a decade but I'm not taking the pill for this reason. From past experience I don't think they'll understand this at all and will think I'm blaming it on my hormones when it isn't that - but I know that it is, if it was psychological it wouldn't switch on and off as it does. When it's back I enjoy sex and have no issues. Then the next day it can be gone and don't want to be touched. It's bizarre.

My husband is depressed and has basically told me to just take the pill and he will just have to accept it's not going to get any better. I don't know what to do, whether to take it or not, whether to accept this and accept that my marriage is basically screwed if we have another long period like that or continue putting myself through severe pain that I could prevent if I do accept it.

Please don't suggest that I just do it anyway - that would be far more harmful to my marriage and my husband absolutely does not want to have sex that I don't want either. He wants me to want it, which I can't control, but I am trying to make things better.

Has anyone been through anything like this? I don't want to be like this but I don't know what else to do.

I've tried them all Euphemia - I've been on every method available, my hormones need to be controlled to prevent my endometriosis from spreading, but doing so means this problem won't resolve so I feel between a rock and a hard place. A hysterectomy isn't a cure (although I'd have no periods) and if I have my ovaries removed I'll probably end up with the same problem anyway since that's what the original treatment resembles (it switches your ovaries off basically).

I'm 35, not ready to have a hysterectomy - still too traumatised from the birth and following difficult months to make a reasoned decision on more kids. I just don't know what to do any more.

It might be worth doing some therapy, potentially as a couple. On your own it could help resolve some of the mental blocks but as a couple it could help get to the bottom of how the situation feels for your DH as well and perhaps establish what his true needs are. For example it may not all be about sex but about a lack of intimacy generally when you're on the pills that can be worked on.

Thing is, I know exactly how he feels - we talk about it often. The problem is that I can't do anything about it without traumatising myself by forcing myself into physical contact that I don't want. It's not even a mental block, it's a physical fight or flight type response. It's really awful but I can't stop it - the only thing I can do is give my body time for my hormone levels to adjust by staying off the pill, which I'm willing to do, even though it's causing me a lot more pain than is necessary in the meantime.

I should clarify that before that nightmare treatment, the pill never had this effect - my suspicion is that the pill prevented my body from normalising my hormone levels hence the problem continued. I believe that if I wait it out and my body gets its act together as it has before, I can go back on the pill and not have the same problem. The problem is I don't know how long this will take.

I've had a lot of counselling in the past - if I thought it would help here I'd be happy to go for more, but I am convinced it's not a psychological issue (having experienced those in the past, I know the difference). I don't have any physical sexual response to anything at all when I'm like this, nothing whatsoever. That's not normal for me, and when things improve that's not the case.

I once went on a pain management course and the section on improving your sexual relationships was basically just "push through and do it". That's not something I can do, and if I end up in a situation with a counsellor who doesn't understand the situation and gives the same advice in front of my husband, that would be disastrous.

What's frustrating is that this is a medical problem but no doctor I've seen in the last however many years will listen to me in any way so I've basically had to try and figure it out myself and get on with it.

Bumping this for you as your story resonates with me, particularly your DH's stance as it is the same with him. My libido has also been badly affected (I would say, killed) medically - it's completely physical not psychological at all, caused by medical hysterectomy and can't take HRT.

GP basically told me to suck it up when I said I am 36 years old and do not want to live the rest of my life without a sexual relationship with my DH....

Thank you gene - so sorry you've been through this, it's so hard to understand if you've never experienced it and I get why it sounds like it's an excuse / a mental issue but that's really not the case.

The treatment I was on has completely screwed up my body - around the time I was on it I was diagnosed with ME, now they're saying I have fibromyalgia, after years of research I believe I have central hypothyroidism which is a pituitary issue and rare but given the timing and the fact this drug works on the pituitary gland it makes sense to me. Sadly it doesn't present like normal hypothyroidism in terms of blood tests but I have every symptom (including absent libido!) and no one will listen. Pretty close to paying to see an endocrinologist privately which I can't afford but I'm desperate. I just hate things being this way, it's killing me.

There are multiple different formulations of the pill, how many have you tried, or have you just always been on the same brand?
I tried several for side effect reasons, until i found one that suited me.
"Celeste" was first, and i ended up in A+E with severe chest pains and a suspected blood clot in my chest after a week. It wasn't a clot, but for the next 10 months i had daily severe chest pain episodes both day and night, which would wake me up.
Next up was "yasmin" which also helps with acne apparently, which i had late onset of. Within a few hours of taking it i was sick to my stomach, had migraines and the diuretic effect was awful, i was peeing every half an hour. I came off it after 3 days of constant symptoms and cleared up in 24 hours.
The one that worked for me was "Loestrin" its a lower dose of hormones than the "typical" pills but is just as effective as a contraceptive (honestly makes me wonder WHY if lower dose works the same higher doses exist?) and it seems that Estrogen was what i as reacting to. I did find though, i had to take it as dead on exactly 24 hours apart, if i was even a few (about 3) hours late taking it, i would start very light bleeding, but of that really horrible sludgy "old" brown thick blood, and it would continue until i actually stopped and had my 7 day break of no pills and had a "proper" bleed. The periods were lighter, and not as many cramps, but i found myself too unreliable with taking them at the same time, and got sick of the almost constant sludge bleeding.

I'm not on the nexplanon implant which has worked wonders, i have no noticeable side effects at all, and no periods. I see you've already tried this though, so all i cna really recommend is asking your doctor about a lower dosage pill or trying a few differnt brands.

I really feel you. I'm in a very very similar situation. Currently on the pop, and was for 5 years pre ds and it has decimated my libido, pregnancy and birth and Parenthood has kissed it good bye altogether.

I can't take oestrogen containing contraception and the terror of getting pregnant again means that to not be in control of the contraception would mean I wouldn't want to have sex any way!

My DH is at a loss.

I ended up with sexual dysfunction after birth anyway which made sex agony. Thankfully after 12months of physio that has as almost gone and I am getting back to normal with some other stuff too.

But my libido is still non existent and I don't think that's going to change. I honestly think DH will leave me soon, but I can't magic a libido even though I want too!

AlmostaJillSandwich I had the same issues as you with those brands of pills and ended up coming off all contraception a year ago. I have to say I feel so much better off everything.
OP I was going to suggest an endocrinologist, they could find the best solution based on your own body, it's expensive but you're worth it.
Is there also the option of getting your uterus lasered? I'm not sure of the procedure but my sister had it done and it burns and seals the lining of the uterus therefore stopping periods. She feels much better and no longer gets periods, pain, mood swings etc.
Good luck, I really feel for you.

Hi Tammy, just wanted to say I'm in the same-ish position. I have been diagnosed with hypothyroid (however it is very difficult to get a GP to diagnose you). I also have low progesterone, they called it estrogen dominance. Both conditions contribute to low sex drive. I was also on the pill for a year (brand of the pill was later discontinued!), and it royally messed up my periods. I think a combination of the three issues caused my problems, and sadly I see no changes.
My DH also has a high sex drive, he finds it hard, but he understands and we hope that together we will get there.
Might be a good idea for you to go private, and have all your hormone levels tested. Medication to treat hypothyroid doesn't always correct your symptoms though, but I have my fingers crossed that it works out for you. It isn't a great situation to be, but be reassured that you're not the only one going through it.

Over the years I've probably been on 10 different pills at least - funnily enough Loestrin 20 was the pill that got me through my teens and my endo only started wrecking my life when my uni gp decided it was a good idea to swap for no reason. Ugh.

Progesterone only treatments make me full on crazy - fat, angry, crying, headaches. Never again, especially the Mirena which was a complete hell on earth!

Thanks so much everyone - it helps to know I'm not alone. Hopefully some of you can take comfort from the fact that mine did come back last time and I think it would have been quicker had I come off the pill sooner but I didn't realise it at the time.

With regards to my thyroid, I paid for private testing last month. I discovered that my TSH has risen slightly (2.02) but my free T4 has dropped right to the very bottom of the normal range. I did some research and found this is likely to indicate central hypothyroidism and took loads of stuff to my GP - he was initially very dismissive then said he would speak to an endocrinologist he knows and get back to me. I've found that if your TSH is normal they don't want to know even though this is not a great way of diagnosing more complex issues. When I did my test it was midday and not fasting so I'm going to repeat in a couple of months and hopefully get clearer results.