To keep to my ultimatum

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I have been with my DH for 15 years and we have 2 DSs - 10 and 3. DH is from Australia and has been saying for years he wants all of us to go and live there. I would rather not but can see it might be better for us as a family and he has been here for years.

About 9 months ago I said if we are going to go let's go and arranged a one day a week nursery place for the 3 yo (DH is a SAHD) but despite this the house is nowhere near ready. In an attempt to get things moving several weeks ago I said if the place isn't on the market by the end of September I'm not going. We have just agreed to push it back by 2 weeks but despite the 3 yo now going to nursery 3 hours every day I still can't see it happening.

So AIBU to say that's it - end of Australia plan if deadline is not reached? I've been is a new job for 6 months and really like it and there are some good opportunities there (when I pushing the plan I was stuck in a crappy job so this may be influencing my thinking)

My ultimatum would have been that I was never moving there at all. With a good job here and a 10-year-old, no way.

I first said 15 years ago that I want to live in France.

You know why I am not there? Because I didnt want it enough to actually make it happen. We had lots of conversations about jobs, houses, schools etc, but it never happened. I was a pipe dream, nothing more.

If he really wanted it then he would be moving heaven and earth to make it happen and he isnt, so you can safely assume that it is a "one day........" day dream rather than a solid plan to work towards.

I wouldnt mention the ultimatum tbh, just let the subject go quietly.

Can you not make a plan and go for 6 weeks or something to get a feel for the place? Would he still be a SAHP expecting you to look for work prior to going? What's the opportunities like? How would you feel leaving the family and friends? What if your parents get ill or you need to attend family gatherings?

What about a support network? Kids growing up without your family? What about his family? Are they supportive? Have they visited?

Don't up and go based on him living here for 15 years, base it in facts

Peach - perhaps I'm being naive but my son is a real homebody and doesn't really have any close friends so sort of hoping the move might be good for him. He really likes my parents but also gets on well with my husbands parents and I know my husband really wants ours sons to have a relationship with his parents.

I dont think you need to issue any ultimatums about not going as he is doing fuck all. Just leave it and he wont make any plans to move.

Green - all good questions. I've been a few times and like it as does the 10 yo (although I know a holiday is different than living there). We would live near his dad and both work pt - him being a SAHD is fairly recent.

Sounds like grass is greener situation. We live overseas (more more than a decade) and my husband occasionally goes on about retuning to the UK and being closer to his family. I wasn't keen so used to talk him out of it. Until one day I called him out on it. Said if he wanted that so much then he need to research homes, jobs etc and make a solid plan of how the move would work - that was 2 years ago, safe to say we are still overseas! He still moans about it very occasionally but I think he now realizes it is not just me who wants to stay here.

Have PM'd OP - I've moved abroad within the last year with a foundation and year 3/4 child

If he wanted to go that badly he would be making the effort. The thing you may have to watch out for now is him realising he's got a lovely excuse for getting his own way in everything else - 'well, she won't let us move to Australia, boohoo, I'm only here to keep her happy (so I never have to lift a finger again)'

OP, if you don't really want to go, I think it's unwise to start issuing ultimatums which might actually prompt your DH into making concrete plans to move. You say he's been talking about moving there for years. Just leave it up to him and he'll probably talk about it for years more without actually doing anything about it. I wonder whether your DH now has mixed feelings about moving himself, but doesn't want to make a decision not to move back because that would feel too final?

Moving in the hope that your DS will become less of a "homebody" seems a really bad reason to move. I can't see why your DS's personality would change as a result of a move to another country. The fact that he is not that outgoing may mean that he finds it particularly difficult to make friends in a different country.

The reason for saying the house needs to be on the market soon was to avoid the house being done in 6 months and then our oldest starting secondary school and then having to start yet another new school as that felt to much. I'm not moving to change our son (he is great just how he is) but am thinking it could be a positive move for him - of course the opposite could be true.

I agree with loads of the PPs - just forget about it, forget the ultimatum and from now on, every time he goes on about wanting to go back to Australia, just agree with him and say something like "Yes, that would be good", but then don't do anything about it. Call his bluff - I can pretty much guarantee he isn't going to get off his back side and sort anything out.

I know it works because I do it with my DH all the time. He often comes up with ideas for doing something that I don't really want to do (all sorts of things such as going camping, setting up a club/society, moving abroad, throwing a party)

Early in our relationship I used to get really stressed and we'd end up in arguments with me trying to justify why I didn't want to do it. Or I would go along with his idea, but I would end up doing all the work.

Then, a few years ago, it dawned on me that it's all talk and he rarely gets off his backside to make any of his ideas work, so I now just breezily agree, then promptly ignore and forget all of them. He doesn't seem in the slightest bit bothered and we argue an awful lot less.

I know a family who have moved to Australia, like yours the husband was from there. First he had to get a UK citizenship, then the wife and children got visa's for Australia. Then they put the house on the market. I don't think you can just sell up and get a flight and then live there with no visa. You/ your dh need to look into this properly.

I wouldn't do it. My parents moved us from the UK to Australia and it wasn't a great move. Not because there's anything wrong with Australia but because our support networks are all overseas. My parents, in particular my dad, always missed the UK. My mum struggled to make friends here and was very isolated. I've never really felt like I belonged in either country. Too many bits of different cultures.
Even having a British accent was difficult. Having to repeat things over and over. You find yourself making friends with other British people

My husband wanted to emigrate to Oz, I said no way! Then the recession hit Ireland and I thought fuck it, it has to better than this, so we decided to do it. My husband sorted all visas, planning, packing as he had lost his job. We got here with our son who was 11 at the time. It was the absolute making of him, he is absolutely thriving, and we love it too. None of us have been homesick. But emigrating is very stressful and expensive and not for everyone, if you really don't want to do it, then don't!

My parents moved us all to Australia when I was 11 - I absolutely loved it there. Have dual citizenship now and go back and forth as I please. What a great opportunity if you can do it.

I woulnd't go!

You'd be leaving employment you like to go to another country with an unmotivated lazy man who can't even get the house on the market for something he really wants to do.

This has disaster written all over it.

OP, I don't mean this in a mean way but I don't think you should move to another country with school age children when you don't know the basics about the school system. I'm not blaming you for that (boggled your husband never mentioned when secondary schools ol starts in the many conversations you must have had) but I think it shows how little you know and how unbothered your husband is about any culture shock for you and the kids.

Thank you everyone who shared both negative and positive experiences about moving overseas - its made for very interesting reading. And to those saying I need to do more research into schools I guess your right if I don't even know the fundamentals of school change age!

Its not a quick process anyway - I would need a visa (although the rest have duel citizenship) and they are not cheap so would have to really be 100% on board .

Thanks to all of you taking the time - all been really helpful.