Have I been unreasonable in breaking up my family?

[Member652554]

I am reflecting on the break down of my relationship and would appreciate your input. I left because I was we were unhappy and all communication had broken down . We were constantly walking on eggshells around each other. I am wondering whether we should have carried on and tried to work things out somehow. My questions are : 1) have I been unreasonable in leaving ? 2) how long would you try for ? Months/years/decades/indefinitely? 3) for those of you have left a long term relationship/marriage with dc, what was the deciding factor? 4) for those who stayed how on earth did you deal with the unhappiness/emptiness/disappointment etc ? What did you do to work it out . Sorry to have so many questions but I can't help but think maybe I should have tried harder ..? Not sure how though

I don't think you've made this decision lightly. It sounds similar to 'buyers remorse' when you've made a big commitment (mortgage, car loan etc) you panic and suddenly doubt yourself. I think you are clear you have done the right thing. You deserve to be happy

Giraffey1 Yes its hard in this situation not to feel ungrateful and question your own decisions. Thank you for your insightful reply.

cherryn I will look into CAT now . Thank you.

Thank you for all the kind words of reassurance. In real life people always assume that the one who initiates the break up is skipping off Into the sunset to find greener grass. Never they mind the amount of guilt and sadness you carry around with you.

no connection
Walking on eggshells
nothing emotionally or physically

I would want more out of life than this. you only get one life. Maybe others battle through misery and infidelity and addiction etc but that doesn't mean they are doing a better thing than you. Relationships are supposed to be nice and interesting and affirming and add to your happiness. It is ok to want something better.

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out but you are happier now. He probably is too.

You haven't "broken up your family". Your children still have their parents. You are still a parent to your children, and so is your partner.

Staying in an unhappy marriage does not benefit children at all, in my experience.

pallisters that is a good way of looking at things . I re-read your post several times. Thank you.

distancecall he doesn't see the dc now . We live in different parts of the country. And of course I feel to blame for that too although I live where I live out of need.

OP, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone who you don't want to be in a relationship with

Actually OP I do think it is worth trying to save your relationship.

I say that as it reminds me of the reasons my Ex gave, that are very vague. I don't think vague feelings are a good basis. You say you were resentful, but of what? Angry, of what? You might both just be caught in a self defeating circle.

We went to couple counselling, and the therapist said that my Exes ambivalence, vagueness was the main barrier to us being happy. She recommended he get CBT to look at why, and then have more couple counseling.

autumnsskiesarelovely that Is interesting, as everyone else seems to have said the opposite but I am open to all ideas. How did the therapy work for you and your partner?

Nope definitely not. The fact he has no interest in his children now proves 1 million percent you've done the right thing not just for you but them

See I think some kind of therapy is good as well. In any long term relationship it goes through seasons. This might be a particularly tough season for you both. From all the literature around relationships I've read, in particular long term ones involving children, couples leave when the going gets tough. It's so hard bringing up a family that couples tend to seperste themselves within the relationship because communication breaks down. Basically you're there with your own little cup bailing out your sinking ship when you should be helping each other. Also from what I've read, people think that when they leave, that the next relationship will be different, better but we only have the same tools and resources at our disposal as in our behaviour and coping mechanisms, unless we've managed to work on ourselves and look at ourselves and how the previous relationship failed, it'll be the same result.

Go look at Andrew Marshall and John Gottman, their books really opened my eyes about relationships. If you don't like reading, go YouTube their vids. Good luck OP.

bibbidee thank you. I agree people tend to make the same mistakes unless address the issues experienced. I will check out the books you have suggested .

Obviously I do think you know in your heart, so I'm not trying to make you feel bad! If your gut is saying you want to leave, you must do that.

Therapy was really good, we were lucky and had a good therapist. Then we both went to ones individually which weren't great, so pick a good one! I do think that you need to be clearer in your head. When did you start to drift apart? Why? What would make it good for you?

You loved him once? Fancied him? Is he still your friend? Relationships do take a lot of work and it's really normal to feel apart for a while.

I think unless it's abusive or horrible, it's worth being quite sure and clear about what lead to this, otherwise you may be carrying stuff that is unresolved into your next relationship. My Ex has this, he cannot pinpoint why he doesn't want to be with me, because it's not about us. We as a relationship just need some work, but he's not invested. He keeps deeply regretting ending things. But now it's too late sadly, his rejection has damaged us.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Sorry I admit I haven't read all, if he's blocked off from the kids that is a big thing, I would struggle to stay with someone who did this.

I think relationships can reach a point where outside help is needed. It sounds as though your dh wasn't willing/emotionally able to join in with seeking help. And although you can get therapy for yourself (and as several posters have advised, this may be very helpful for you personally to understand what has happened and move forward) you can't on your own make the relationship work.

I would try not to compare your situation with marriages that have survived what look like "harder" problems. I think a partner who will not engage emotionally is a very very hard problem.