To tell SIL to back the fuck off?

[splendidisolation]

Need your help on three points. Background: SIL is a lovely woman but possibly a little overinvolved in DP's life.

1. DP and I have chosen to live apart although we are very close and love each other. She cannot get her head around it and keeps banging on to me about how "not normal" it is and "how its sad", also repeatedly asking if this means we are having problems, are things rocky betqeen us, etc. How to deal with this? My patience is wearing thin.

2. Shes started trying to get me to tell little fibs to DP. First was I was sent on a mission to "steal" his laptop because screen was broken and she wanted to surprise repair it for his birthday. Made me uncomfortable. Second thing was they work together, he is notoriously forgetful and forgot to do something. She did it instead and told me not to tell him she had because she wanted to give him a shock. Would going behind your DP's back like this trouble you?

3. General question: she likes having us over to eat but has started questioning why im not round hers more often. I go to hers for sunday lunch once a fortnight (she doesnt like to go out, ive tried organising coffee). How often do you see your SIL? Wjats your relationship like?

"Back the Fuck Off" would be OTT and unnecessarily unpleasant.

1. Stuck record. "It works for us. If it worries you, and I don't know why it should, talk to your brother"
2. She loves that sort of dynamic. It creates drama. Just say "I don't feel comfortable getting involved: make your own mischief!"
3. She does seem to rely on you and your DP for her work, social and family life. If you don't want to, or haven't got time to see her more say something like "these Sunday lunches are a great time to catch up, the only time I get, what with work etc. Good to be able to see you so often, most people don't get to see their ILs more than 4 or 5 times a year!"

Not close with my sil
If she interfered in my business I'd tell her to back off and mind her own business!

I don't see my SIL very often; she's my BIL's wife and they live a 3 hour drive away with their 5 children. She's lovely and supportive and does call my MIL reasonably frequently so it means MIL isn't phoning us as often as she otherwise would. She's had our DDs for sleepovers as well. So we get on ok.

But she is soooo opinionated! She's a Christian, like we are, and very black and white. They homeschooled through primary school because they didn't approve of the sex education in primary schools. The worst thing was, she criticised us for going through IVF because of possible 'spare embryos'. (We never produced any embryos ironically, because I didn't produce any eggs.) But she herself already had 5 children so she really made me angry, as you can imagine.

So she's fine, in small doses. I wouldn't be able to cope with seeing her more often than we do now (normally about 4 times a year).

My sil is about 20 years older than me (dp was a menopause baby) so we are not massively close friends, but because we both act as carers for her dad we see a lot of each other and spend a lot of time together.

I think the laptop is a non issue and you are over thinking it.

The living arrangements again non issue, just tell her you are happy and would appreciate her not keep questioning it

I would not lie to my dh. No chance. Don't give in to that request.

I think a meal once a fortnight is plenty. Again, don't give in to pressure. Be 'busy', be vague.

Thanks for thoughts so far, it is indeed possible I am overthinking laptop! /bashful

Firstly it's none of her business how you conduct your relationship - your DH needs to broach that though and tell her to keep her opinions to herself

The lying bit and secretly taking stuff - big no, she needs to do that, perhaps she's setting you up for a fall somehow

Do you think she was looking for information on his laptop?

Don't get roped into any more schemes.
Tell her it works for you and that's the last time you will mention it. If she brings it up ignore, change the subject.
Once a fortnight is plenty and if it's too much that's up to you to say no.

She is far too invested in your relationship

Time your dh had a quiet word with her.

It seems a bit weird that she's trying to make you complicit in things done behind your DP's back. There was no need to tell you about the work thing, so why did she?

My own SILs are nice enough I see them when I see them - family days out or family girls night down the pub.

Hmm. I wouldn’t mind helping my SIL surprise my DH - but then I know that she would always have good intentions, so that’s possibly a bit different. We see them once a fortnight but they’re over an hour away - would be more like weekly / twice a week if we lived nearer. But I enjoy her company!

As for 1, if I were your SIL would find your situation a little strange too I guess - but I would probably talk to my DB about it, not you, and would let it go once he’d explained his reasoning. So it’s a bit rude of her to keep bringing it up.