Aibu?or do I need a shake?

[peawe]

Hello
Slightly apprehensive about posting here.anyway-here goes
Dh of 3 years and 18 month old ds.prior to ds I was very independent both financially and emotionally and dh had a great social life,out every weekend playing cricket,football etc.i didn't mind really as like my own company and spent 4 years studying so needed the time alone.
Since ds I have been on my knees with PND,not helped by the fact he doesn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time so we breastfeed and cosleep all night long.also had a bad physical recovery from the birth resulting in me needing surgery.

I've really needed dh this last 18 months but he has continued to keep up his social life and gets very moody when I ask him to stay in with me. Furthermore-his family are very demanding and phone him and call upon him constantly.he is constantly on his phone or whatsapp.we were having sex once and his brother phoned and he took the call.
He also goes to his parents every night after he finishes work and his mum still makes him a packed lunch even though I do too.
I feel like I have to share him with lots if different people.we've bern together 10 years and it's always been a bone of contention.

Aibu to want him to pull away from his friends and family a little bit and put me and ds first as his new family? Or am I being possessive?

Coming way down his list of priorities will chip away at your self-esteem. He really rubs your face in it, doesn't he?

At least you realise that your mental health won't improve whilst you are with him.

Which means you know what will ...

Oh goodness - he just hasn't grown up at all, has he. He's still prioritising himSELF over you and your son, never mind his family. He has zero intention of changing his way of life - it's worked for him so far, hasn't it! He probably even enjoys the fact that he has 2 women "competing" for him in terms of making him lunch.

I know it's hard - I have one who's better than yours but still a manchild - and it doesn't get any easier to deal with. Your feelings of falling out of love with him - well, you should talk to him about that.

I have mentioned to my DH that I don't find people with the attitude of 14 yos attractive, but he just laughs it off - he just doesn't take my feelings seriously. Which is, in itself, a bad sign. He won't change, and one day, when my boys are old enough to fend for themselves, he'll find out his mistake. I'm already too old to be bothered to "find love" with anyone else, so I'll put up with mine for now - but you are probably a lot younger than me and there's still hope for you!

Have a stiff conversation with him, especially on the situation of him going out at the weekend as though he were still single and not the co-parent of his 18mo son! and explain that you're finding it difficult to see him in a good light when he behaves like this, including the reduced attractiveness and falling-out-of-love bits.
Then see what he does.

He's selfish and a Mummy's boy. He always has been - but before DS it didn't bother you because you could do your own thing.

Now you need something different from him and he isn't prepared to make the changes to give you what you need. I don't think this is going to end well because it doesn't sound like he ever will. making the effort for his mother, siblings and hobbies are clearly all going to take priority. And although he may have been conditioned into this by his mum, you can't say she is the whole problem. He's an adult and has his own family, he could choose to do things differently but he won't. I'm not at all confident that moving would really change anything. He may not be able to go round to pick up his packed lunch or to visit after tea, but you'd be expected to visit her every weekend and he'd be on the phone to her (or she to him) at least three times a night.

You may need to think about your options for the future. You've tried being angry, you've tried doing softly, softly. He's not listening.

There would be a lot to be said for not being with him. It wouldn't increase your workload because he's not doing anything to help now, you wouldn't be clinging on to the hope that he might suddenly have a lightbulb moment where he saw the need to change and you'd be free of his family's drain on your time and emotions.

I suffered with PND OP, and throughout my marriage I was depressed to a greater or lesser extent. And do you know something, since he left in 1999 I haven't had one bout of depression, not one. Life hasn't always been plain sailing, bringing up three children, but I got on with it and I got through it.

This will chip away at your self esteem as EllaHen says. He won't change, or I'd be very surprised if he did, but you can change your life to make it work better for you. Don't let him grind you down.

Thanks so much for all you're advice and support.i feel like a weight has been lifted by talking about this.i think I might need to toughen up a bit in order to protect myself and my son.he is such a lovely guy and would do anything for anyone,and I suppose therein lies the problem.he cant say no.i can't see him ever given us his full commitment.and the thought we might not last makes me really sad.

Ellahan you're absolutely right-thats exactly what it is doing

he is such a lovely guy and would do anything for anyone

peawe he isn't and he wouldn't. Because he isn't lovely towards you and your DS, and he will only do for you what he decides, not what you need him to do.

From your posts you really want to see the best in him, see a lot of the issues arising from his mum, not him. But he is not the man you want to think he is. Please try to see the contradictions in some of the things you've posted. Read your posts as if someone else had written them. You'd be saying the same things that PPs are saying to you.

OP on your other thread you said you were paying the mortgage and bills and getting into debt for everyday expenses.

How does he contribute financially?

Catiinboots-we have paid half each throughout my mat leave and since.the plan was he was going to get a higher paying job in order for me to stay off with ds and potentially set up my own business.this hasn't happened so I have been doing a bit of freelance work to cover my bills.

Thanks TheDevil-and I know you're right.he isnt doing what I need him to do.

Please don't have another child with this selfish manchild. Or get into any more debt. No more. Go back to work and start thinking about why you think you deserve a person like this. He will never change. He's been showing you that for 10 years, wake up and smell the coffee. Stop making him a fucking lunch as of today.

I remember your other thread, and I remember feeling sad for you because he's never going to change despite how much you want him to.
Honestly, you'd probably be better off cutting your losses & calling it a day unfortunately

Honestly he's showing you exactly where you are and that's bottom of his priorities. His life hasn't changed because you've facilitated and accepted that he does what he wants.

I really would be making plans to leave

Thankyou for your comments everyone.really interesting and helpful to get the outsider view.sometimes it's hard to see the wood through the trees.I guess I need to have a good think about how I am going to proceed here.