To insist Mum visits without stepdad?

[FannyTheFlamingo]

Step dad has dementia. We've never been close and I've never really liked him that much. He's not been awful to my mum, but he hasn't been particularly good either. He was diagnosed 3 yrs ago, and he's an alcoholic. My mum looks after him by herself, and she's a bit of a martyr about it, refusing most help.

We don't see each other often because of distance and I have a 10 month old DD. My mum and I both want her to move closer to us so she can see DD more often and benefit from having me nearby as moral support, but she won't move my Stepdad as she thinks he needs his familiar surroundings.

Recently they were both here and had a number of heated arguments, resulting in my stepdad grabbing my mum and raising his fist to her, pushing me as I got between them, slamming doors and therefore damaging walls.

The whole thing made me feel awful. I am devastated that this is my mum's life, day in, day out. She said she wants to die. I empathise with my stepdad and I understand how truly awful it must be for him, but I want my mum to have a life and a relationship with my DD. I've told her she needs to find somewhere she can take him for 1 weekend a month so she can have a life, visit us on her own, see friends etc..

I feel callous not wanting him here, but it's so miserable when he is here.

Three bottles of wine doesn't = pleasure - if anything it's likely to speed up his deterioration.

Your DM is on the inside and most unlikely to see from any other perspective. There is absolutely so shame in her asking/seeking outside support. The dementia/alcoholism are bigger than her - she's fighting a losing battle. He hasn't deteriorated overnight, so maybe your DM doesn't realise just how bad this has become.

He'll get much worse, if he's violent now? That will also increase.

I'd speak with adult services. Put, your concerns in writing also. That said, depending on his mental capacity at present - this could well be a futile exercise, however, that said - your concerns should be kept on file. (Which doesn't help anyone now)

The only thing to do with a wet alcoholic is leave. Immediately. No other cure unfortunately

The DM knows there is not going to be any cure/happy ending she is just trying to do her best by her DH in the time he has left.
I don't think your comments are particularly relevant to this situation.

That's just so hard for your DM and for you. She really needs to have respite care in place and then she'll have a chance to spend time with you and her DD without him there, and also to actually rest without worrying about your stepfather's safety.

It's pointless worrying about the alcohol now, as he won't be able to work out how much he's had to drink, or think about trying to reduce how much he's drinking; he needed to think about that before.

If you're really worrying about her safety, and you have good cause by the sound of it, then you should call Adult Services, as others have said, or the Police if there's a more immediate threat to her.

Your DM will need your support to make the necessary decisions for his welfare and her own, and that will mean overcoming your own resentment towards him, because she clearly still loves him very much, whatever you do or don't feel for him.

@paxillin, you've clearly never had to deal with dementia before. Aggression is very much a part of the illness. This is not a simple alcoholic. She needs help from social services and respite care, not the police. Think before you speak.

I am currently dealing with dementia (not for the first time, either), what an arrogant assumption about somebody you do not know, @astratty76666. And yes, the aggression and often violence means residential care will be needed sooner.

Alcoholism will make it worse and I know this will make the inevitable happen sooner.

Call the police when he attacks, it will speed up the help your mother needs, OP.

In which case, you're talking out of your rear end and should know better. This isn't about alcoholism, it's about an illness he can't control.

I think almost everybody who comments on a dementia thread has had personal experience with it.

I am not talking out of my arse, @astratty76666. Not everybody who disagrees with you must be shut down like that. Extremely unpleasant and arrogant.

"She needs help from social services and respite care, not the police."

SS will advise anyone to phone the Police if there is a threat of Violence, sothe Police are appropriate and the right service.

They don't have to take someone to a Station,they can go straight to a Hospital or MH Unit.

The Crisis teams are overworked and in my DHs case on the day he was knocked over, it would have done him a favour if people witnessing his (obviously MI) behaviour had of called them.

One time a bus driver locked him on the bus and phoned them, I am eternally grateful to him.

It is extremely difficult for SS to find a placement for an aggressive dementia patient.Demand far outstrips supply and things seem to be getting worse not better