WIBU? Husband or me...

[VforVienetta]

So, we've put the house on the market, photos being done on Tuesday.
We have this weekend and school hours Monday to get the house smartened up enough to look appealing in photos.

DH did a mortgage appointment this morning, sorted out a storage unit and started moving stuff over this afternoon.

He was finding the kids quite wearing and went to the pub to meet a friend around 5:30 - I was totally fine with this (have been trying to encourage him to go out as he rarely does). He said he wouldn't be long.

He wasn't home in time for their dinner/bed, but texted at 7:30 saying he was staying for one more then home.
No DH still at 9:30 so I texted asking if he was still at the pub, he replies that he's just about to go get a takeaway.

Eldest DC (ASD) is getting under my feet trying to play Lego while I'm painting. I get cross with him.

He got home at 10:30, looking faux sheepish.

I'm pissed off that he disappeared for five hours when we have so much to do, knowing that after 3.5 pints he won't want to do anything useful but sleep.
I wanted him to be home at a reasonable time and help, either with DC1, kitchen, or painting, and didn't think in the circs I had to ask!

He then justified himself by saying that he's the breadwinner! FFS.
I used some completely unnecessary and disrespectful language, which wound him up massively, and he stropped off to bed.

So, who IBU? Bit of both I suspect...

As the "breadwinner" surely he'd want to do his best to see his investment back. Wanker.

Argeles Stop projecting; they're your marriage problems, not OPs.

She's already said it's a one off and he never goes out.

Backie Well, we're all different - I get the most done once the DC are in bed. Can't get much done in the day with the DC around.

Your nasty cunt of a husband was the unreasonable one, you did nothing wrong at all.

I wouldn't call 5 whole hours "not long", plus he left you to do ALL the work and had the gall to paint himself as the victim. Who the fuck does the prick think he is?

I think it was one of those times when it just flared up. YWBU to get mad at him when he never normally goes out. But you would have been getting all wound up and it all burst out, probably before you could stop yourself. (I'm a bit like that when he's been on the phone to his DM for 1 hour and we've once again missed out on time to be together as he's ready to go to sleep.)

But wow, I would have been mad at the 'breadwinner' comment!! So completely sexist or what???

You'll be able to talk it all through in the morning when you've both calmed down. At least neither of you have been all that unreasonable!

Just asked DH.

"I wont be long" at 5:30 means coming back no later than 8, couple of pints max. Back at 10:30 is "a session because its the same as going out at 8pm and coming back at half one in the morning"

I didnt tell him anything about the house move etc. and that was his view.

YANBU

Selling a house is incredibly stressful. He shouldn't have gone out so long leaving you to do everything. But you need to pull together tomorrow to get what you want done before Tuesday.

Bit of both, I'd say!
I think you should have set expectations in terms of how long you thought he'd be out, then at least he would have known that you weren't that happy with an extended pub visit.
I think he should have been able to work out by himself that getting pissed and staying out for 5h when you have so much to do was a bit fucking unfair and irresponsible.

But the breadwinner comment tips him over into being the MORE unreasonable of the pair of you!

I'm sick to death of my DH constantly doing as he pleases, and spending longer and longer on his hobbies.
That's not the situation here though. OP says he rarely goes out.

Caretaker your post is really nasty and from what I read not a reflection of op dh at all.

Op regarding the breadwinner comment dh has said this to me. I don't overly give a toss because I have access to everything despite his occasional blustering and b I suppose work wise he does do a lot more that me and more than I'd want to! (Worked 70 hour weeks when we were younger mind)
I do work but I also admit if he's in the mood he can earn in 4 days what I do in a month! Anyway I font admit anything to him instead I just invoiced him for half the cost of the 24 hour wrap round childcare I provide, laundry, chef duties, cleaner, dog walker, gardener, etc.... he'd have needed a second job to pay me. He decided he was bathing kids alone that night.... "come on mummy needs a rest".

Also if he only had 3.5 pints in 5 hours I'll eat my hat.

Morning all! Apologies have been made by both of us, kissed and made up.
The breadwinner comment can be discussed another time...

I don't think that YWU, Op.

It's not your fault that he hasn't made friends & doesn't go out much.

Unfortunately he got a chance to go out when you both had a lot to do.

That's when he has to compromise imo.

Go out but be back in time & unpissed enough to carry on with what needs doing.

I'd have been mildly pissed off about the lengthy time at the pub, but fucking INCENSED at the breadwinner comment. Underneath that throwaway comment is a whole raft of misogynistic beliefs. Get them sorted out pronto.
Just how does he think he'd be able to go out "win" all this "bread" if you weren't back at the ranch caring for his children whilst he does it? Along with improving the asset of the house in order to sell it at a good price whilst he pisses money up the wall in the pub?

I would have really hated the 'breadwinner' comment. Has he ever spoken to you like that before, OP?

I'm glad you've made up, but make sure you pull him up on that comment.

I’m glad your DH has been out. It’s the timing of his trip out that’s the problem isn’t it. Write a list this morning titled ‘jobs for the bread winner’ then call/text a friend and spend the day with them! Get the kids to make daddy a special badge with a pic of him holding a loaf of bread.

I’m really pissed of for you, I hate those type of comments. They always come out during stressful times. It’s how he feels. I would be letting him know exactly how I feel to. I don’t know about your situation but it’s often the way that the woman stays at home, looks after the kids, runs the house, manages everyone etc which enables their darling DH to continue their career as if they have no other responsibilities, and they then look down on that woman! I bet you’d love to be earning your own loaf instead of being thrown the odd slice. He needs to acknowledge how important your role is, he’s obviously taking you for granted. Tools down today I think.

Is he the breadwinner though? It sounds like you backed him into a corner and he lashed out with that as a defence. Put the shoe on the other foot.. If you'd been out longer than anticipated, he had a go, maybe you'd lash out with something as irrelevant like "I look after the kids all day" or whatever it is.

The breadwinner comment was out of order- but if we're talking in Micky Flanagan terms, then I would consider 5.30-10.30 on a Saturday to be "popping out" rather than going "out" out.

Neither of us here go out much either these days. I wouldn't be happy to get a text a couple of hours later from DP if I've made the effort to get dressed and go out on a Saturday night, and I don't think DP would appreciate it either.

Glad you've made up, OP