...or a bit of a wet PFB mum after adding surprise twins into the mix?

[JustPutSomeGlitterOnIt]

I'm nearly a month into having three chn under 2 - a 23 month old, and 3 week old twins. All girls. And I'm really struggling with PFB guilt!

Basically I've gone from being able to give my 1 YO all my attention (I do also work FT I should mention - had her young and soon after uni, and had to maintain my career too); to suddenly being a sleep deprived, grumpy mummy who has so much less 1-1 time for her.

I have a lovely supportive OH, and lots of help on hand, all offering to have our eldest for the day.
But I want her! I miss our time just the two of us.

I'm already noticing some difficult and attention seeking behaviour coming through from her as a reaction to all this change.

This makes me really distraught to be honest because she's a really good child by nature. She's a lovely, unassuming little girl. Never attention seeking, friendly and gentle with her peers.
We mainly planned the second pregnancy to give her a little friend. So to see her playing up as a direct result of the new babies makes me think we've make some terrible mistake!

Of course I know that all three of them are lucky to have each other in the long term. And we love them all very much.

But please help me with the short term.
How do you parents with lots of little ones arrange your day to allow attention for all of your children?
The twins are EBF too, so I'm just stuck to them most of the time, and can't get us up and out and playing like I used to.

Am I overreacting to a perfectly normal and healthy part of her childhood?
Because at the moment I'm feeling so upset that my PFB isn't my just PFB any more!

DD was 3.5 when DS came along, they're 9&5 now - she was jealous and attention seeking, hated me BF and I felt terrible too but honestly it's transient, things settle into family life again. It helped for me when i started ff too as I shared more with husband but that's s very personal choice

Give your eldest a couple of ten minute 'her tones' each day perhaps get your IH to take the twins out of the house or vice versa

Yes, sadly pumping isn't the answer with twins. I had to EP as couldn't bf my twins s and It was an actual nightmare. The extra time sitting and pumping, the extra time cleaning and dealing with parts and bottles, plus I completely screwed up my back. Still wish I could just bf them when theyre hungry!

OP, I have w year old twins but no toddler so can't comment there. However, things I would recommend at this stage are a travel cot for joint downstairs napping and good swings / bouncers (our Rockaroos saved my sanity). My twins spent many happy times in these things while I pumped or cleaned bottles etc so hopefully they'll give you a bit of time and space to get some 1-1 time with your DD. Make the most of the time where you can put them down and leave them there - I found those early months difficult due to sleep deprivation and a lot of pain, but I had no idea how much I'd struggle once they started crawling (invest in a good baby prison too!)

I sympathise. I have a 3.5 year old son and a new baby aged 5 weeks.

I can't even put into words how much I miss spending time with my son. My DH is brilliant and takes him out all the time to "give me some rest" but really I just want to be with my son. I'm EBF too so that doesn't help.

DS1 has always been a mommy' boy and whenever he'd come into the house after being someone he'd shout, "mommy, I'm home, can I have a kiss and cuddle?" but last week he didn't do this for the first time ever so I went to find him in his playroom. I asked for a kiss and a cuddle and he just pushed me away and said no and that he didn't want one. I said please and he just got all shouty and repeatedly saying no. He then said, "I don't want you mommy, I just want daddy and Katie!" - Katie being the name of his childminder. He then walked away from me. I just sat on the floor and cried

Whenever DS1 was upset or scared he would always come to me but now he goes to DH. If he wants something it's DH he asks. I feel that since the arrival of DS2 my relationship with DS1 has changed considerably, its as though he's disengaged from me and it makes me very sad.

His behaviour has noticeably deteriorated too and is in attention seeking mode all the time and really pushing his boundaries.

I try to spend as much time with him as I can doing fun activities and playing games etc but then DS2 will start crying and if DH can't settle him I have to go and do it and leave DS1 again. It's very hard.

I'm hoping that as DS2 gets older and less reliant on me that things will change and I will have more oppertunities to spend with DS1 and in the meantime I'm just doing the best I can.

I had three in two years and 3months... Basically had them just over a year apart.
It was hard work for me, but they knew no different. And many years later my oldest three (off 4)are incredibly close as young adults...they have such a close bond.
Hang in there..it will be ok !!!

My first was nearly when my twins were born, so I suspect it was a bit easier with that age gap. But I think most parents will feel that guilt when it comes to their pfb.

Cut yourselves lots of slack, you're doing an amazing job. To the extent that you're not shattered, use the twins' time asleep to focus on your eldest. That's her time - even if you're exhausted, you can suggest sitting and reading, or even just watching Mr Tumble, to allow her some precious time with you.

But I disagree with a pp who suggested getting other people to look after the twins. Your bond with them is important to, and you need time with them. Plus if they're ebf then there's not much chance for that at 3 weeks old anyway.

It'll all work out in the end - sisters are special and lucky to have each other. Congrats!

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way. Please don't be doubting your decision to have more. I think almost anyone with siblings can vouch for the fact that a bit of drama when you're a toddler is 100% worth the lifetime of having a sibling companion
I would just be frank with people and say 'to be honest, it would be great to spend some time with older DC'. That gives them the option of either offering to have the twins... or not.
I'm sure a mummy and PFB morning/afternoon once a week could be arranged, either with the help of dp, family, friends or even a childminder. I type this whilst listening out for the waking of the 10 month old twins I'm currently having overnight so that parents could spend some time with older sibling yesterday, and then have a lovely evening out as a couple. Said twins have been with me since only a few weeks old and love their time here. So many parents feel so guilty about using a childminder so young but it can be the difference in sanity for a mum... and the twins just see my house as they would family/friend's houses.
Best of luck!

Lying curled up in bed with my 2 (3 and 5 now). We tried really hard to make sure had some 1:1. She also continued at nursery 3 days a week so her normal routine and that meant the days with me were all about her (harder with twins).

My main point was to say they could not be closer. Wee bit of arguing here and there but they play beautifully and the wee one even loves to sit and watch the big one do lego.

These twins will be the best thing that ever happened to your first.

It's a hard first year but hope ahead.

This isn't good advice but I ended up stopping breast feeding because of this

My two year old couldn't understand why I couldn't play with him, I was really struggling feeding them pumping etc, one day he was really upset wanting me so I switched to formula.

It was better in someways as I could pass the baby to dad occasionally, but I also wish I'd fed for longer

If you have found time to message on here you are doing better than you think. I have a 2, 3 and 4 year old, I promise it does get easier. Take as many short cuts as you can
I fed my big ones their main meal at lunchtime so they only needed a simple snack like toast later on in the day. Honestly, it will be fine. You are amazing!

And not to influence you in anyway but unless its your passion you don't have to breast feed them forever. I just couldn't have done that. My situation was quite opposite I had one newborn and two bigger babies needing attention, and a pig of an h to contend with. It is of course up to you.

Congratulations! I think that is a good age gap - ds was 5 when our twins arrived and he was really clear that he didn't want them. Still is at 12 actually The first weeks are tough but when things have settled down, you will find it easier I'm sure.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned joining a twins and multiples club if you have one locally. I found it invaluable to get together with other mums in the same situation.

Mine are exactly the same age gap (though boys and now huge men) The guilt I always felt, but never admitted to anyone (including dh) was not that pfb was deprived of attention, but the twins as individuals. We'd either do things as a family or dh or I would do things with ds1 or the twins together (when they were in pushchair due to convenience, then when older, because they wanted to do things together, not with ds1(who they never got on with) I feel sad that I rarely had one to one time with the twins alone.

Different age gap, but my DD2 was born a couple of weeks before my very clingy DD1 turned 4, before she started school, and I'd spent 5 weeks in hospital during the pregnancy then 14 weeks in hospital during her first 6 months (breastfeeding and pumping so there the majority of each day from start them overnight after NICU weeks.
At the time DD1 was so unsettled, her birthday was the only full day I spent with her for 10 weeks at one point, but she barely remembers it now, if she talks about the time in hospital its about medical things/doctors that shes fascinated with now rather than anything negative, and adores her sister now she's 1 (states she loves her even more than me and DP!)

Your first DD might miss out a bit at the moment but in the long run the bad bits will be forgotten and she'll benefit so much from having her 2 sisters!

This too shall pass. I think that kind of guilt is normal regardless of the number of babies and age gap and it will lessen in a few weeks.

You are all adjusting to things so a bit of jostling around is natural.

Walking with my eldest on the buggy board so we could chat was great for us.

And she started preschool too which was perfect timing as she had her own little thing going on and had we all had a break for a couple of times a week. I guess your eldest is a bit too young for preschool at the mo, but if she went to nursery whilst you were working perhaps she could still go for a couple of sessions.

Give it time, it's v early days for you all, things will settle down and then there will be something else to feel guilty about

We have 16 months between ds and dd we use to just include ds in what we were doing for dd. So I would hold him and he pushed the pram, or he would fetch the wipes for nappy changes, get himself a chair to stand on and help make snacks and meals, etc. Also we left out a snack bowl (fruit, veg, dry cereal, pasta etc) and glass of water so he could get something to eat and drink if he wanted when we were busy. He has no memory of her not being here and they are mostly great friends (2.9 and 4.1 now)

I have a 19 month gap between my DS. The first year was pretty hard going, but then I feel that I've had it much easier after that first year than friends with larger age gaps.

A newborn's needs are pretty basic, so sometimes I would leave baby to cry for a couple of minutes whilst I finished doing whatever I was doing with ds1, and would say to the baby "mummy is just reading with ds1, ill be with you in a minute"

Ds1 had never really watched TV till his brother arrived, then we spent whole afternoons sat on the sofa together watching "cars" and CBeebies, whilst I sat there feeding. The movie cars was my lifesaver!

My ds was 3.5 when dd arrived. He was fine, loved her, didn't act up. We were very lucky. But... for the first couple of months, every time anyone asked how he was doing I burst into tears!

I think what I am trying to say is that feeling guilty is totally normal. And it will be fine.

Firstly, huge congratulations on the birth of your daughters and welcome to the mad, crazy world of twinmumdom.
I think your amazing to EBF your twins, I couldn't as mine were in SCBU, so I expressed. When they got home I continued to express and others helped out by bottle feeding them.
I had hoped to have 2 children close in age, but was blessed with 3 very close and sometimes I really worried that I had made a huge mistake.
Don't feel guilty - your daughter might not seem like she thanks you now, but she'll be so happy later. My daughter doesn't remember her life without them, life got easier and now they are a little 'gang' and i know how lucky I am.

I remember being told that things would get better when the baby was 3 months old, and it was true. I think at that point DS2 got more interactive and interesting to DS1, and DS1 began to have fun with his baby brother. They're 8 and 12 now, and wouldn't be without each other.

Things do change when a new baby is born, but things change constantly with kids anyway so it's inevitable. I do still get misty-eyed at times, remembering those early days with DS1, when it was just the 2 of us. But it's only in the same way I get nostalgic about other phases in my life - university, early jobs, old boyfriends etc - life moves on and each new phase brings new good stuff.

Wow, sounds like you are doing an amazing job!

I have 22 months between mine and agree that walks are the way forward. We had a buggy board so eldest could stand and see everything while baby slept.

I had a 5 year old and a 2 year old when my DT's were born, initially they were ebf, but despite sucessfully bf my two older dcs I found this just too much , physically as much as anything. Mine were large babies (for twins, both 8lbs) and fed like ganets.
For my sanity, and for the sake of the other dcs, and the quality of life generally I started mixed feeding at about 4 weeks. I would formula feed one at feed time and bf the other, alternating the feeds. That meant they weren't constantly clamouring for food and gave me time to deal with the other two.
You will find that as the twins grow they will be great company for one another.
Don't worry about your older daughter and accept offers to take her out for the day etc, she will enjoy this I'm sure.

It's not lower standard of parenting- it's different version of parenting. You work full time so she had quite long periods without your individual attention from a young age. It's much the same now.
Maintain routine for her as much as possible- nursery, grandparents, clubs etc. Don't tolerate sibling rivalry or misbehaving because you feel guilty. It is tough, there is an adjustment to be made but that is absolutely not an excuse for accepting poor behaviour- although it might be the reason. She won't remember pre-twins at all.
Get someone to push twins around the local park for an hour or so a couple of times a week to give her mummy time.
Curl up in front of fire or on bed with a pile of story books or children's television and cuddle her with twins close by.
Don't leave her alone with babies if at all possible - one of mine bit and tried to smother her sibling because her nose had been put so out of joint.
Be tougher on twins as they get older re sleeping and waiting rather than rushing to every whimper.
Look after yourself too - you'll need to be strong and well to maintain care of the children so ensure you get breaks, eat properly and sleep whenever you can. If they fall asleep in the car, pull over and sleep too - it doesn't matter if you miss tumble tots. Sleep at every opportunity.

To be honest I would consider formula feeding. I bf my first, but FF my second as I felt like my eldest was just sitting watching tv all day. FF meant that we could leave the house easily and get back into our old routine (though I do appreciate that with twins this will be harder anyway). I will say though apart from my dh we had zero support, but you may be luckier.

I will probably get flamed for this suggestion!

acubalibre, no I agree with some mixed feeding and I am a big bf fan - fed my twins till they were 1.5. I managed to bf them as they used to feed for around 10mins each at a time, but if it had been longer it would have taken too much time out of my day. I also didn't mind feeding in public after they got 'good' at it. Dh did one formula feed at c. midnight for the first month or so to ensure I could sleep from around 10pm-2am unbroken which made a world of difference to me. (Also meant he could sleep unbroken from midnight to 7am). It made a massive difference to being able to cope. I think it makes sense if ebf is impinging on everyone's lives not to be too intense about it.