AIBU or is this really a gift? DS/XH/'old' IPhone

[Whereismumhiding2]

This is a genuine AIBU, so I'd really appreciate some feedback as I feel very confused. I'll add a second follow post to put a tiny bit of background in.

DS had his 15th birthday early Aug and his Dad promised him his 64gb "old" iphone7 as his birthday present (Wow!).

Dad wants to upgrade to iphone 8.

Dad (XH) can upgrade now 12 months into 20 month contract as iPhone 8 is out but has told Ds now (7 weeks after bday) that it'll cost him extra if he doesn't hand his iPhone 7 in. And the difference is £200 over 6 months in monthly charges (XH won't show DS any invoices to evidence it, but that sounds about right), but it still means XH upgrades earlier to a new IPhone 8. Dad (XH) wants to charge DS £140 of that for his gift. XMIL& XSIL usually give DS £50 for his birthday but DS had nothing for his birthday from that side.

DS has started shouting at me 7 weeks later that I won't pay his dad for his new phone so he has no present. Yet I spent over £600 on DS's present as a single.mum.with my retired DP (laptop, see next post but it was over next Xmas too).

Dad has also told DS he can hand in his iPhone 5C (that I'm still paying for on contract , which ends next month) and Dad will take off £40 which is what XH told DS that apple will give him back for it. He said he has to take it off DS now, (like this weekend!!)- but I've still £20 per month to pay on contract for 2 months (so £40) which I don't get back. (I pay the mobile bills for all DC, so I'll have overlapping with SIM only contract I'll get, that's an extra £8x2 to add him to family BT, I don't mind latter).

Now none of this seems to work out as a genuine gift to me? Or AIBU?...

Goah, I was about to copy in background and a kind MNer has already replied!

For background: I have 3 DC with my XH. He was DV and I cant talk to him as he'd simply be abusive & obtuse and do opposite of what I ask 'for fun'. XH complains about paying court ordered maintenance (all my spare money goes on DC).

I know I have no say in what he chooses to buy as a present nor value of it. But I feel shocked at his charging his son, for what he says is DS's present.

His Dad (XH) is wealthy (earns over 7 x my wages, not including large bonuses and stepmum is a big earner too, altho' that is absolutely her business). XH makes no secret that he resents paying court ordered maintenance which is less than CMS would make him.

DS really wants the iphone 7 and as his dad has told him... he's getting a bargain (except no box, guarantee, nor charger).

XH lives in London so I understand that's expensive (he moved 3 hours away, 7 years ago & rents out his 'second property'), always has the latest gadgets, iPhones PS4 and just bought latest XBox thingy, and holidays expensively 3 x a year, so XH isn't by any means short of money.

DS has earnt some pocket money recently from me, which he told his Dad about. As he's been selling my old shoes & clothes on eBay.
It was to help DS pay for 1/4 of DS's 'fast processor laptop' (since our shared home laptop broke) that my family & I bought DS for his birthday & next Xmas this year. (We do £150-200 with all family in per bday or Xmas our side, so DS's laptop was eeek even with that budget!) (DS is IT talented student which i want to support & got v excited when I said I'd go an extra £150 to get a better model if he "worked it off". ... DS has earnt £96/150 so far towards it - with my best items- and was supposed to give that money to me (1/5). I could have sold my stuff but was helping DS achieve his target. He's washed, ironed packed, advertised, sold & my stuff to learn economics, of extra costs and time involved and risk you'd get a dodgy buyer with business wastage) . That's the only money DS has.

This is so weird.

Surely at this point, so longer after his birthday and with a ‘fee’, the iPhone can’t be considered a gift anymore?

If your son is getting aggy with you, you need to tell him to take it up with his dad. You have already given him his birthday gift. It’s his dad that is being awkward and forcing him to pay for his used gift

His dad backed out of the original agreement and wants to pin you as the bad guy.

At this point, say that you’re not giving him any money. It’s between him & his dad. He is now buying his dad’s old phone off him. If his dad really cared, he would just eat the £200 cost like he originally planned to.

I can see why your son doesn’t like his iPhone 5c and was excited for the 7. If you want to, you could pick him up a iPhone 6s/7 when his current contract is over. It’s a massive upgrade from his current device and will be cheaper now that the new generation iPhones have been announced and released.

'Goah' was meant to read 'Gosh'!!

Ex h is a cunt. You had a lucky escape.
Perhaps you need to explain all this to you son before he turns into his dad.

It sounds as if your DS needs to be made to understand that his dad is not actually giving him anything for his birthday, rather he is being conned in to buying something from his wealthy father.

Sorry OP, he sounds like a proper cockwomble. I really feel for you.

Your XDH is massively in the wrong. What a fucking tight arse. At 15 I'm afraid I would have to gently remind him of your deal as your present and point out the obvious that his Dad is the one being unfair.
Seriously why are some people so fucking tight. His behaviour is actually really quite cruel, your poor DS. Hopefully he'll see through his Dad.

Sorry- XH, that piece of dog turd certainly doesn't deserve a "D"

YANBU. He is making DS pay for his own birthday present nearly 2 months late. He is a knob.

It also sounds like he's badmouthing you to DS. Where else would DS get the idea that you not paying up was stopping his Dad getting the upgrade? Whereas he gets to be the good Disney Dad as he's giving his son an iPhone7...

I feel sorry for your son. And you being stuck trying to explain this to him.

Your XH and DS are both being very unreasonable. You have given DS a very generous birthday present. Everything else is between the 2 of them and nothing to do with you, tell DS this. Personally I think £600 is an excessive amount for you to have already paid and DS sounds very ungrateful but that of course is your choice.

Serial iPhone upgrader here! Which is irrelevant because your XH is being a git. You can’t give a present then attach conditions 7 weeks afterwards. The time to discuss it would have been before, and then it would have been fine for him to say, hey DS, you can have this still very expensive phone for your birthday but you’re going to have to contribute a bit towards it. That would have given your DS the chance to say yay or nay. Doing it the way he has is taking the piss.

I would be explaining to your son that this was meant to be a birthday present from his dad and that neither he or you should be contributing towards it.

And i definitely would not allow him to use any of the 150 he is saving for. Tell him if he does then he won't be getting the faster laptop. I think it's great you encourage learning skills through his selling on ebay but it is important for him to experience whats happening with his dad.

Why not as someone else suggested upgrade his current phone to the 7? Whilst there will be a cost, he could continue with his ebay venture until he has the money.

What a shitty thing for your ex to do by the way. I'd be telling him where to shove it.

Your XH is being a utter twat and your son needs to know his dads 'present' or lack of, has nothing to do with you. I'd show your son the replies on this thread.

So I'm NBU in thinking 'woah really'?

Unfortunately DS is with his dad now and DS is in Dad's world and being pressurised to agree. I bet he returns without the 5c phone in still paying for and a promise to pay for hand down iPhone 7 that comes with dad dictact that he has to pay him back for. Iphone8 just out, so I imagine his dad is in the queue now...

His dad turns up sporadically on his EOW, every 2 to 3 times ( 4-6 weekly) and DDs often refuse to get in his car, so he sends them back in. But thank you for the views, as it helps me. Xx DS texted me earlier earlier after i posted and i said 'DS that's dodgy' but Ds said his dad had sorted it all out and he (DS) is 'paying him back' regardless of what I say.

Well what an amazing present

@CheeseCakeSunflowers
Yes, £600 a lot but it's bday + next Xmas and no bday party last year nor this, to pay for it and he also has to pay £150 towards.. he knows the value of it x

XH definitely has form for being a tad difficult.
I bought DS an iPhone 5c 8GB on 2 year contract (far better than my phone) which DS chose excitedly for his birthday in Aug 2015. Then 4 months later, XH gave DS his old iPhone 5s as DS's xmas gift, not to DD who actually needed a phone and it caused the biggest melt downs between DDs & DS over Xmas.

(DS had already got chocolate in speaker so rather than apple prices i paid £50 in cheaper shop in Oct 2015 to fix it for DS and he accepted we'd lost the guarantee and couldn't pass on to anyone else).
Come Xmas 2015 DS shouted at me at Xmas about 'his crappy phone' (his dad's words)... But given DS was tied in contract for next 20 months on 5C and his DD was having none of chocolate speakered phone being pased to her, It got an impasse. I eventually paid DS £150 to give dad's second hand iPhone 5s to his sister so DS could buy a present he could use. (So that everyone 'won'. Except me who'd already done Xmas gifts, DD luckily accepted it as her 'big' birthday gift 6 months early).

So your dd "suffers" because of your DS and XH attitude?
Making a rod for your own back op.
And if DS comes back without a phone I would send XH a message saying you are going to report phone as stolen as you pay the bills and you want it back.

Thankyou MNers, that's clarified to me, that xH/Dad has been a tad douchy (again!).

But I can't possibly report iPhone 5C as stolen if DS doesn't return without it and with iPhone 7 in its place. He's 15 y.o. and whilst it's under my name, still paying, and I have every right to, I don't think I can realistically say if DS agreed to handover, that his dad had stolen it.

What I can do however, is argue about an unreasonable demand for my DS on a gift. DS can't give him my money and he's too young to agree in those circumstances to unreasonable demands. I'd meet him at £60 but no more.

Though i resent every penny as it's supposed to be his present from. Dad & family. .