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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do 4 activities/classes a week when I have an 18 month old?

21 replies

HollyJaneC · 23/09/2017 12:01

Just to explain the situation...

I work 3 days a week. DH works 5 days a week. We have an 18 month old.

I obviously have her on the 2 days I'm off and DH is at work.

She goes to nursery on the other 2 days. On those 2 days I obviously want to get home and spend time with her, so I say DH can meet friends/do whatever for an hour after work. He says he just wants to get home, so he does.

On 3 of the days that I go to work, I go to a music lesson after and a dance class after (different days) and DH gets her from nursery, although she can stay there for another hour, as she's booked in for an extended day as we need that, so he could also do something for an hour.

I then do a class on Sunday morning, which is when my mum has her. We go out as a family in the afternoon (and on Saturday)... I take her to classes on my days off, so she has lots of fun time.

He thinks it's ridiculous and "extra curricular activities are not designed for adults and I need to grow up" Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
Becles · 23/09/2017 12:13

No. As long as he has the same opportunity to pursue outside interests and they are balanced across the three of you.

Matyrdom and being bottom of the pile seems to be the default accepted position for mothers. Keping your own interests part of the consideration when planning the family week is a good thing.

Pinky333777 · 23/09/2017 12:15

I think it's healthy to have hobbies and a life of your own!

As was mentioned, so long as it's balanced fairly and your oh gets his own free time too and you get your all important family time, I see no reason why not!
Maybe you should suggest to your partner to go find a hobby or two!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2017 12:17

So you work 3 days and she's at nursery for 2 of them. On those two days DH college its her and you have classes on all three days?
Your post is confusing

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2017 12:17

DH collects

Original poster
HollyJaneC · 23/09/2017 12:20

I don't think my post is confusing... I work those 3 days and she is at nursery for all 3. He collects for 2 of those days as I have a class.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2017 12:28

I obviously have her on the 2 days I'm off and DH is at work. She goes to nursery on the other 2 days. On those 2 days I obviously want to get home and spend time with her, so I say DH can meet friends/do whatever for an hour after work.

I work those 3 days and she is at nursery for all 3. He collects for 2 of those days as I have a class.

So on the two days she's at nursery you want to get home to her or go for a class??

Anyway my only point as to why it matters was going to be - I would probably have tried to do a class on one of the days I'm home with her all day if possible.

Presumably he gets her form nursery, does dinner and bed? Well it went kill him as you presumably do a fair share of the other night. Do you see her before bed?
I might be peeved if DH didn't get home before bed twice a week irrespective of my ability to do similar. It means very little mid week family time if you both have two nights out a week.

However YANBU to have some time put for fun and he is BU to suggest you shouldn't do anything besides work and mother/wife

RedSkyAtNight · 23/09/2017 12:46

Your first post is confusing and makes no sense.

But I think what happens is ...

2 days a week you are at home with DC and have told DH he is welcome to do whatever after work.

3 days a week she is in nursery. On 2 of these days you go to a class after work and DH picks up.On the third day you pick up.

I don't think there is an issue with adults doing classes per se but in your position going to the class must mean you hardly see DC at all that day, and DH is left doing tea/bath/bedtime by himself? Which seems a little unfair all round.I'd personally choose to do something later, after DC is in bed.

Original poster
HollyJaneC · 23/09/2017 12:50

No he's not... I get back and do bath and bedtime while he is doing dinner.

It's only 4:30!

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 23/09/2017 12:52

It sounds like a lot to me and I'd be pissed off if my DH opted out of family life to that extent. 1? Grand. 2? Fine. 4? No.

BunloafAndCrumpets · 23/09/2017 13:02

I'm confused too, I think you got some of the numbers wrong in your original post.

I think YANBU but it's important both you and your husband are happy at home. Why is he so against your 'extra curricular activities'? Does he feel you're not pulling equal weight at home with housework etc? Are they too expensive? Can't think why it would annoy him otherwise.

Gillian1980 · 23/09/2017 13:13

Your post doesn't explain things very well but I do think it sounds like a lot.

Your DH needs to says exactly why he's not happy.... only then can you work out a way to make it work.

E.g. If he doesn't like it because he wants more family time all together, then him having the opportunity to go out to do stuff won't help. It'll only make it worse from his point of view.

If it's financial then the same as above.

Can't really say if YABU unless we know why DHis unhappy.

Personally, I like family time above all else so if either of us were doing lots of classes etc I'd not be happy and if we were both doing lots I'd be really unhappy.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2017 13:14

Ok so I assumed work finish at 5, so class from 5.30 or 6 for an hour so finish class at 6.30 or 7 so home for 7 or 7.30 in which is reasonable your child would be in bed

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/09/2017 13:53

Sounds like jealousy to me.
He doesn't have hobbies or a social life he wants to maintain so he thinks you shouldn't either.

Also, it sounds like he's complaining about doing CHILDCARE for his own child.
You already do more childcare than him......but i guess he thinks that's your job.

Don't give up your classes.
He chooses not to use his free time on himself - that is NOT your problem.

araiwa · 23/09/2017 13:55

Go for it.

Parents are people too and deserve time to do things they want. One parent can cope on their own for a bit. As long as both have equal opportunities

Subtlecheese · 23/09/2017 13:59

If it works for you and DH has the opportunity to explore his hobbies then that's fine. I have an 18 month old, it wouldn't work for us. I am pissed with the pressure to be "out there" wherever that is. But I'd be mightily pissed if your DH thought I am doing it because I am an "adult.

SpoonfulOfJam · 23/09/2017 14:24

I think it's important to do something for yourself.

I have an 18 month and 4 year old and try to fit in 4 gym classes/ run/ swim over the week. DH has his allotted time slots too.

My mental health has improved massively since I started this nearly a year ago. When I feel stressed with life, I really need time to myself. These classes have stopped a lot of my life stresses. Honestly, I wish I had more time to myself. I love my family but so miss the independence I had as a single.

RedSkyAtNight · 24/09/2017 13:08

You already do more childcare than him......but i guess he thinks that's your job.

Well, it is her job on the days that she's not working and he is. Which seems to be the only time (based on OP) that she does more childcare than he does.

HeebieJeebies456 · 26/09/2017 18:44

Red

I'm assuming he's covering the childcare whilst op attends her classes - therefore he thinks it 'isn't fair' for him

eurochick · 26/09/2017 18:52

I think it's important to get sometime to yourself but personally it's more time than I would feel comfortable being away from my toddler that I don't have to. I do everything I can to get home from work in time to see her. It's hard to get the balance right. I haven't managed it yet!

Loopytiles · 26/09/2017 19:28

So on the nights you do your things after work you still get home in time to see your DD and do bath/bedtime?

Envy - Commuting takes up too much of our time!

JigglyTuff · 26/09/2017 19:30

Well, it's a confusing because you say you work 3 days and your DD goes to nursery 2 days. But assuming she goes 3 days and on 2 of those days you go to a class after work? No, that's completely normal. Or do you go to activities on 3 of those days?

Why does your mum have her on Sunday morning? What's your sanctimonious husband doing then?

I work on the basis of who has most free time. It sounds like your DH wants to get home on the days you have your DD because he feels like he misses out spending time with her/you all as a family.

Can he go to a class on one of your working days?

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