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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want medication

22 replies

BringMeSunshinePlease · 23/09/2017 10:29

I've suffered from poor mental health for a long time but have managed it myself quite well. About 5years ago I was given anti-depressants but didn't get on with them (just felt numb), came off and have managed since.

I struggle with step parenting and OH and I row quite a lot about this. I feel like a slave to the kids and OH fails to notice the good I do, choosing only to focus on the bad. I've really tried everything in the book to make it work and am now at the point of throwing in the towel.

OH blames my mental health entirely for our problems and won't take any responsibility for anything going wrong. I get very little support and I'm always wrong. With two Teenage step kids I can't always be wrong, surely?

He wants me to Go to the docs and get AD medication like before. I say that's not the problem and that we need to sort out
Our issues. AIBU?

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 23/09/2017 11:05

Need little more info

SweetEnough · 23/09/2017 11:27

YANBU. I'm with you, Ad's as a last resort. They won't help if the situation remains the same.

Let him deal with his kids for a bit and look after yourself, don't praise him and see how he likes being taken for granted.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 11:28

A solicitor would be a better option to improve your mh. .
Your dh sounds like a dick. .

Original poster

BringMeSunshinePlease · 23/09/2017 11:43

What info do you need?

OP posts:

Original poster

BringMeSunshinePlease · 23/09/2017 11:45

Thanks for your messages. If I hadn't already tried ADs I might consider it an option, but they didn't really help. I think the situation needs fixing first.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 23/09/2017 11:48

Have you considered leaving him? Even if you take the AD's he will most likely find fault elsewhere.

User02 · 23/09/2017 11:48

It is not good to be controlled and medication can be seen as a control tool. What will he do if the medication does not make you agree with his every thought and demand

iammargesimpson · 23/09/2017 11:50

I came on to say maybe try a different type of ad as sometimes it takes a few 'goes' to get the one that works for you, but honestly your oh not supporting you sounds like the problem here. if he thinks you're doing such a bad job, take a step back and let him do it all for a while!

expatinscotland · 23/09/2017 11:52

I'm willing to bet your condition can be managed really well if you move on with your life without your 'OH' and his kids. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a childkeeper.

'He wants me to Go to the docs and get AD medication like before. I say that's not the problem and that we need to sort out
Our issues. AIBU?'

Of course he does, he liked you numb and doing his bidding.

He doesn't want to sort out issues because according to him, the only issue is you not doing his bidding and waiting on his kids.

You don't need ADs, you need to get your life back.

JaneEyre70 · 23/09/2017 11:55

If he's not supporting what you are trying to do, then literally stop with it and let him parent his children. No appreciation, no effort is my motto. But I'd question a long term relationship with a man that can't support you. To use your MH issues to beat you with isn't the mark of a nice guy to me.

VimFuego101 · 23/09/2017 12:07

My mental health suffered from being a step parent too. It improved massively when I detached from the situation and let DH deal with everything. I agree with you, ADs won't solve the problem.

Original poster

BringMeSunshinePlease · 23/09/2017 12:07

Thank you for your kind messages. I do know that OH should be supporting me more, but part of me wonders if he's right?? I wish he would just sit down and talk it through with me but literally two minutes into any chat he starts raising his voice and ends up clanging around and storming off.

OP posts:

Original poster

BringMeSunshinePlease · 23/09/2017 12:09

Thanks Vim, problem is I can't detach. I feel awful leaving them to it. He'd be silently furious if I left him to shop or think about tea. We both work long full time hours but it seems to have fallen to me to meal plan the kids visits and usually cook.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 23/09/2017 12:29

Seriously, Bring, he is using you as a childkeeper. He uses emotional manipulation to use you to serve his own ends. Why do you feel awful leaving him to parent his own kids? They're his kids. You can see now why his first marriage broke down.

'I do know that OH should be supporting me more, but part of me wonders if he's right?? I wish he would just sit down and talk it through with me but literally two minutes into any chat he starts raising his voice and ends up clanging around and storming off.'

Of course he's not right! He's just made you doubt yourself by wearing you down over the course of the relationship. He's never going to sit down and talk like a mature adult because he likes how things are going now, with you doing all the work.

Would be happy if a daughter of your own were in a relationship like this, with some guy using her to parent his kids? Because I have a daughter and I sure as hell hope she gets more than you've got with this guy.

Do you have your own kids? Want them?

This man is using you and when you try to put a stop to that, he uses emotional manipulation to get you to do what he wants. He doesn't care about you because a loving, caring person adds and enriches your life and parents his own kids.

expatinscotland · 23/09/2017 12:31

If you can't detach in their presence, the first step is to leave the house whilst they are there and leave him to it. Even if you sit in your car half the day reading a book. He starts acting like a child, you tell him, 'I refuse to engage with someone who behaves like a child when he doesn't get his way.'

chloesmumtoo · 23/09/2017 12:33

Hugs BringMeSunshinePlease. Must be very hard for you. It is stressful enough bringing up step children let alone you working full time and having mental health problems. Teenagers are very difficult anyways, I have two
I think if it were me my dp would rather me not on meds. I have never had any mind, so no experience, do suffer some anxiety but we worry about side affects of stuff these days. If you are feeling good managing without that is fab as sounds like you have a lot of pressure, these separate issues may not be relevant at all to your mental health. Just the usual stress of teens and step parenting and probably lack of support from you OH.

It is easy for him to pull out the blame down to your mental health and that is not fair. Do you feel he is concerned for your health? He should take the pressure off you firstly if he genuinely thinks it is related to your mental health not just want you numbed up on meds. It is worrying. I think you do both need to sit down, talk and have a plan on what will help the various circumstances including your health

Tazerface · 23/09/2017 14:39

there are many, many antidepressants you could try and see if one helps more than the one you've tried.
sounds like your 'D'P has got something to do with your mental health as well as his kids - maybe the best AD would be splitting with him.

AprilLady4 · 23/09/2017 14:43

for you, OP

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/09/2017 14:45

Blimey, I'd need ADs in that situation! I'd rather not take them, though, and get myself out of the situation.

What do you think life without him/them would be like?

Original poster

BringMeSunshinePlease · 23/09/2017 22:31

Thanks so much for your kindness and advice. We used have a really great relationship but the stresses of life and a step family have taken their toll. I don't have my own kids, wanted them but it never happened. I'd like us to work on this together and hope that we can get through it. Anxiety is a rough ride anyway but when step parenting is thrown in too it makes it super hard. I'm going to resist pressure to back onto meds and try to work through this.

OP posts:

AprilLady4 · 26/09/2017 11:08

Good luck, OP!

PoppyFleur · 26/09/2017 11:28

Your problem is a lack of assertiveness. Before your OH suggests again that you need to address your mental health issues, point out that HE needs to address his parenting responsibilities.

It is absolutely disgraceful that your OH has chosen to use your health as a weapon to attack you.

Once you address the disparity in your home life I suspect your mental health will improve significantly.

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