To contact someone who made my life hell a decade ago

[takeiteasybuttakeit]

I was very very good friends with someone in the past (more than ten years ago): we spent millenium new years eve together in a small group, I cooked the meal for her hen party, I was one of the first people she told when she was pregnant etc. We had a big circle of mutual friends including two of her sisters, both of whom I was close to. Her husband was always a bit 'off' with me, and then 10 years ago she came to me and said we could no longer be friends as she 'knew' what had happened between her dh and me. Turns out he had said that I had asked him to have sex with me ('do you fancy a shag' was the exact wording). This was so unlikely that when I told my dh he just laughed. I found it sort of funny but deeply upsetting that someone could just make up something about me, and it had pretty horrible repercussions (read on!).
I was so appalled and confused that my dh contacted him to talk it through and tell him he must have been mistaken (he cited a time and place that it happened which would have been impossible as I wasn't even in the country at the time). Anyway, the other man pretty nastily kept contacting my dh to insist it was true. His contact with my dh became pretty weird and my dh ended up changing his email address and blocking this person on his phone. I decided to let it go as my dh was getting really incensed about it and not sleeping and it felt like there was nothing much we could do.
Thankfully my dh knew there was no way it could have happened, although I hate to think what might have happened if he had believed it. Although it was clearly a pretty outrageous lie, the friend and her extended circle stopped being friends with us and that was that. I tried to talk it through with one of the sisters who just said that family loyalties had to come first, and the friend's BIL who I had been very close to for years (he is how I met them in the first place) told me that this guy was completely arrogant and may have told the lie to his dw in an argument that then got out of control.
Well the upshot was I lost a whole circle of friends due to the 'family loyalty' but I got over it eventually with time and am fine now. I never saw the couple again. BUT it eats away at me that this man could come up with such an outrageous lie and attempt to mess with my marriage in this way as well as ride roughshod over my friendships let alone my feelings. I really feel like writing to him or his wife and telling them that. It has arisen again as next September my ds is likely going to be going to the same school as their dcs and I am worried about running into them. AIBU to contact them or AIBU to be concerned about my ds going to that school to the extent that now I'm wondering about finding another school for him? It seems so unfair that this one person's mindless actions might continue to have such an impact on my life.

x2boys yes, I understood that, it is why the sil who was a really close friend said that unfortunately there were family loyalties involved and she did try to stay friends for a while. The upset was that she was the one who gave me advice when I was pg with my first baby, the other sister was the one I spent much of my maternity leave with, who traded wisdom on breast-feeding etc with me, so it is all caught up with what should be happy memories of my first pregnancy and baby. It is why it still rankles, as in a way the rest of the family lost out on my friendship through the actions of that asshole.

Good advice on here. DEFINATELY send your DS to the school of your choice if you can - don't give these people that power over you and your loved ones and all your lives.

From what you've written, your DH sounds like a diamond, and he (as another poster put it) is clearly a cunt; so even though you lost good friends and you're still hurt about it, who ultimately got the sticky end of the lollipop.

If you do ever bump into her (parents evenings and so on), held held high and being bright and breezy is the way to go. They've lost out on your friendship, and that is a loss THEY have to live with. So show them the best of you.
Even if it hurts!

Get some little phrases and responses ready in case there are interactions.

"Oh, X, yes we used to be friends years ago but drifted apart when she got a shitty boyfriend. I do hope she binned him."

"Hi X, how are you?"

Maybe think of it like "don't mention the war" if you bump into her.

Remember, she was likely in an abusive relationship and he was cutting off her support network. Feel sorry for her. Yes she treated you badly but if your general air is one of pity when the subject of her comes up then you'll become more at peace and retain more dignity.

KeepServingTheDrinks thanks, and yes my dh is brilliant, I'm lucky. Although (irrationally) part of me was upset with him for not 'fixing' it, he used to laugh about challenging the a**hole to a duel for my honour and the whole scenario was so weird and upsetting I almost wanted something like that to happen, someone to just make it stop!

Don't suppose there's any revenge I can take is there?

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that it still upsets you. It strikes me that you were very good friends and his actions separated you completely and cut her off from a support network that was outside his family. Is there any chance that he could be abusing her?

What a shower of crazies.

You obviously have a good relationship with your husband and he believed you instantly and supported you 100%. That is the kind of thing that makes people in shit relationships jealous.

If you EVER run in to any of them by chance, run, God knows what drama they could drum up out of a chance encounter at the queue at the bank.

Don't write it. You know the saying 'The best form of revenge is living well'. You are happy with your DH and family and have moved on from the gruesome twosome, don't let her see you ever think about them or that it is in any way still an issue. He is clearly quite dangerous in pursuing his casual lies to the point he was prepared to.
If you want to move DS and he would be ok with that, I would do it.

Please don't go down the passive aggressive route as suggested by runrabbit, it will just make you look bad.

Just don't engage with them.

applesandpears33 not sure if he was abusing her, she did say he fantasised about having a threesome and was looking for someone to join them, she presented it in a way that made it sound as if she was sort of into it but it did make me wonder if something funny was going on. I certainly wasn't volunteering as I used go out of my way to avoid him!

takeiteasy your revenge is that 10 years on your relationship is strong and happy. As others have said the other party's relationship sounds as tbough it might have bitten the dust ,or at the very best be fragile and tense. Imagine how wearing ten years of distrust and deceit can be to your ego and emotions.

Don't suppose there's any revenge I can take is there? No. 20 years ago a good 'friend' spread some gossip about me. Something which didn't affect anyone but me and DH. The fall out was horrible. Fortunately we could move away. I fantasised about revenge but that thinking is very corrosive. I found out last year that she died. I don't feel good about that at all. Just focus on your life now.

Whist tempting to take revenge, I fear you are stooping as low as them by doing so. You have to maintain the moral high ground and act with dignity. I should imagine a lot has happened in those 10 years and I bet most people who sided with these 'friends' are now well aware the husband is a dick.. similar happened to me years ago.. some friends (a couple) came round for dinner, we were young and had a few beers and the fiancé of my friend came on to me when she went to the loo. A couple of days later I told her and it back fired on me and huge row ensued, she accused me of lying, trying to split them up etc and we were no longer friends. She went on to marry him. Years later I bumped into her, she was now divorced because he cheated on her continually.. she apologised profusely and said she wished she had listened to me and realised I was telling the truth.. karma. Sad for my friend but years later I was vindicated!

LuluJakey1 yes, not sure I could go down the passive aggressive route, I'm a bit too undisciplined and tired for that, I'd probably do it wrong and end up crying instead. Yes, when it happened my dh immediately said he was dangerous and that even if it got cleared up he didn't want him around our dcs.

My friend once signed a horrible ex up for all kinds of awful free things - one was a Japanese language course by mail, one was a war books book club, clothes catalogues etc. She said he had told her brother he had a 4ft pile of envelopes and catalogues containing tat in his hall and couldn't understand how all these places were sending him things and it was taking him ages to contact them all to cancel them. She did it ages later when it never crossed his mind it was her. She was quietly entertained by the thought.

Don't let this incident in the past define and colour your whole life. You are better than them.
Write the letter. If it makes you feel better, shred or burn it. If it doesn't, go and see a professional, and take the letter with you. You need to get this out of your system.

Unlikely you will see them but if you do it will be in the mayhem of parents evening and there will be no chance to speak. If she hasn't worked out he is a liar by now, it would be odd. He was wanted you out of her life and he achieved it. She chose her husband over you. Took nearly 15 years for my ex to discover his mother had been lying about an incident between us that scewed the relationship....until she tried the same on his brother's partner and got found out. Karma is a bitch but it's not your bitch I wonder how many times he has done it since then?

This happened to me. Almost exactly the same. My best friends partner lied and said I had tried to force myself on him. She believed him and he then spent ages trying to convince my then dp that it had happened. Luckily for me my dp didn't believe him as it was supposed to have happened somewhere dodgy where he knew I was scared to go.

But it broke me for years. It shook me to my core that someone could do this to his girlfriend and also try to destroy a relationship of someone who had done nothing to him. And my god I missed her. We were like sisters.

Years later she contacted me through social media to ask to meet. I did and it came out that she knew early on that he had lied as he kept changing the details. But by this time she was pregnant by him and didn't want to go it alone.

She isn't with him now. We are friends again but from a distance. Different cities too.

My advice is op. This may be your friend too. She may be well aware that he lied. She may have her reasons for not getting back in touch but she might find you again in the future. For now though I would let it lie as it is only going to cause you more hurt. But I totally understand why you would want to try

OH I missed the last line, that your DC may end up in the same school.

If you see her again I'd half- smile vacantly, if forced in to conversation, I'd say something banal but holding on to your own, maybe ''I hope your family is in a better place now" With a head tilt obviously. you're all crazy you lot

I would be slightly concerned about playground gossip.

Do your new friends know the story so you have backup in case this deluded women starts gossiping?

LuluJakey1 tempting! But I know deep down that any kind of revenge would open it all up again....I don't see knowing the dw is probably in a horrible relationship as any source of satisfaction, we were good friends and I care about her happiness. Then again, she married him and had 2 dcs with him so there has to be a strong element of stockholm syndrome involved. She did say to me that if she believed me it meant her marriage was in serious trouble and maybe over as it would mean he had made up a lie that he knew would hurt her.....it was the weirdest thing, like she was begging me to say I was in the wrong so that her marriage could be saved! I really did have to walk away........

If your ds doesn't have a lot of friends going to that school who will look out for him, I'd say don't let him go there. It is awful to spend your life avoiding them but they sound very dangerous to me - the DH because he sounds like a controlling arsehole and your friend because she believed him over you when she should have known you and that the evidence didn't add up. You really need to keep well away if you can - they tried to ruin your life last time and may decide to keep it going, gossip untruly to other parents and your son may end up in the mix inadvertently. If there are other options for the school that would suit your ds, I'd definitely go with them. I would never write to them or get involved in any way ever again. In life we expect people to act as we would and never do things like they have to you, but it does happen and these people are poison

Also ... just thought - if they do decide to bring it up again or make your life a misery in general, it will be so much harder for your ds to have to move schools further down the line. So sorry you're going through this - I've had good friends shit on me in the past and it hurts much more than when someone you don't care about does it.

witchofzog wow, it happened you as well. People are weird! I told my parents at the time and turned out in the 1960s some man thought my Dad was pursuing his wife and hassled my Mum about it - so it is not that unusual...very unfair! And the mad thing is I think my friend knew it wasn't true as yours probably did, but due to having 2 dcs with him and setting great store in their social standing etc she couldn't take action against him. Or something!

I agree with witchofog. I've a story like Blodpod's except for the bit where she apologised for not believing me.