Trouble getting over my ex

[Alicej34]

Hi all I'm looking for a bit of maybe advise or support unsure really what to be honest 🤕 Was with my partner for 8 years when I explain the sorry your probably going to be thinking what was this girl even thinking anyway here goes.. he was nine years older than me when e met he was cool I suppose kind of dangerous in a way. The guy had five kids... to two different woman the fifth child was on its way when we met. But I fell in love with him. He span a lot of lies at the beginning to make himself seem like a good guy. Howvere as time went on I realised he didn't really give a crap about his children and barely sorry them never mind pay for them. We had quite a volatile relationship. He drank a lot and as I was young I suppose so did I. He used cocaine every weekend and like to party, which I unfortunately did too being naive at the time I suppose. Anyway we were constantly splitting up getting back together arguing all he time. Anyway two years ago my father died he was an alcoholic and it affected me quite a lot to the point that I suppose I didn't want to party anymore. I returned to university started to study again and started to feel like I was going somewhere. By the time my partner wasn't 35 and he did not want to grow up. He quit his job said it was stressful and he couldn't handle it bearing in mind I worked full time and went to university for full time whilst he stopped working for around a year. He continued to use drugs not on a daily basis but at weekends, all weekend. He would turn his phone off all weekend and just disappear. He did it on Christmas Day for two days left me at home on my own the first Christmas after my dad had passed away. He did it when I fell ill and ended up in hospital, he just walked out the house and didn't come home for four days by this time I was discharged from hospital and better again and he knew non the wiser and he clearly did not care. And the lies he told all he time....he'd go to the shop and come back high and blatantly lie to my face saying he swears on his kids life he hasn't taken anything. I'm thinking oh the kids you don't care or pay for them
Kids? He drove me insane I actually thought I lost my mind at one point. So anyway end of story this is a very shortened version obviously as this happened over an 8 year period. But I ended it with him! I thought he would change mine grow up!! But he didn't even try! He basically told me he isn't going to stop taking drugs and doesn't see it as an issue basically saying I'm overreacting over his drug use and I caused him to go the way he did. Anyway so now I'm back at my mums as I couldn't afford to pay bills on my own and I find out he's now met someone else like two weeks after we broke up!!!!! And I'm sat here heartbroken after we wee together for eight years and he just clearly obviously did not love me enough to change. Apparently his new girlfriend is a party girl so I assume this is what the guy wants but it still doesn't make it any easier
For me to move on. I suppose I don't even know what I'm asking as when I type I know iv done the right thing I think I'm just struggling coming to terms with it as he promised he'd always look after me however liking back I think all he did was drag me down and he was just very good at minipulating me 🤕

Thank you OP. I am glad you have family who can support you too.

I went to some counselling afterwards. I was sent home from the first session after about ten minutes as the councillor said I was in shock due to the sudden change which had occurred in my life. The next session, when it had sunk in more, he said humans are resilient but find it very difficult to cope with sudden changes to their lives. Although your partner's behaviour has been dreadful over a number of years this split will have still been a sudden change. It will take some time to adjust to the shock. I advise you cut all contact with him- just go cold turkey. Then get a new routine for yourself; I got a new dog and joined a gym and also refused to take time off from work despite work being very understanding about the situation. It was hard but having that structure allowed me to have a new routine so I didn't focus so much on the old one that I had lost.

I also didn't drink for months, despite pressure from friends and family to go and drown my sorrows. I felt so broken at the time and knew alcohol would not really help. I needed to face the loss and start again. You can and you will build a better life than the one you had. It just takes some time and determination not to try to return. You can do it.

Yes I know you are right I think I am in also in a state of shock myself. I don't want to drink I don't think that would help and I have been keeping myself busy with work and study rather than going out drinking being even more depressed don't think i could handle that. I had a lot of friends we were all in the same circle howvere they have slowly dissipated due to me not wanting to drink and him still partying every weekend so they have choose to now be friends with him and not me. In a way it's a good thing they were all loosers also. And you are right I think it just takes time to heal. I knew this dah was coming for a long time so just got to ride it through. I feel like I lost myself whilst I was with him, trying to catch him out all the time, and I am still doing it now he says he's back working full time even though he refused to go back to work when I was with him. however know that's not true he's just in the pub every weekend as per normal. I think he's trying to prove to his new girlfriend that he's a good guy like he did with me at first but I'm sure soon enough the cracks will show. I was snooping on her Facebook a few days ago and she posted that he had dissapeared and she couldn't find him, turns out he'd gone on a bender and turned his phone off all weekend just like he used to do to me. So all this nonsense about it was my fault why he did what he did is just nonsense and he just said that to make up excuses. A week later his partner posted to say she couldn't get in contact with him as he had arranged to see his kids which I thought was quite surprising turns out he was in bed rough again and turned his phone off on her. Feel quite sorry for him really I mean who would want a life like that anyway.

Sounds like you are on the right tracks. Good work! Make plans for the future now. I knew our first Christmas apart would be hard so I booked a holiday away in a non Christian country and missed all that emotive Christmas stuff. Two weeks in a lovely hotel by myself was bliss- it was not lonely at all and I enjoyed the new experience of doing exactly as I pleased when I wanted.

When I returned after two weeks I felt much better and sorted working with a charity abroad for a few weeks for a couple of months later. It's all upwards and onwards now OP. Get off FB, stop researching his gf and keep planning for yourself.