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AIBU?

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Original poster

To email her after disappearing

18 replies

splendidisolation · 22/09/2017 20:25

This ia my therapist. I spent a year with her working through some traumatic stuff from my past and a lot of quite awful and dramatic stuff that was happening in real time.

I had discussed the possibility of maybe moving away. She said she hoped if I did do that, I would let her know (abandonnment issues and a history of just "vanishing").

I decided not to move. We took a montha break for the summer.

I changed my mind again. I moved. I didnt tell her. I did exactly what she hoped I wouldnt. She never tried to contact me, obviously.

A year on and I am doing really well. In large part down to the work I did with her and who she is as a person.

When I think back to her room and her, tears come, in fact Im weeping a little now. I miss talking to her and perhaps as she said we didnt fully work through everything there was to work through. But I've moved country now so thats that.

I feel I should write her a letter or email to say sorry for vanishing, its one of my big regrets. I still hear her voice and gentle coping advice in times of panic.

I think she was the most important person in my life and I feel so sorry not to be able to have her support anymore, but most of all, I feel so sorry for having let her down by not even saying goodbye.

Should I let it go or write to her?

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 22/09/2017 20:27

It sounds as though it would help you to do so, which seems like enough reason to go ahead.

I expect she'll be glad to hear you're doing better now. Don't dwell on apologies, just thanks and updates.

Original poster
splendidisolation · 22/09/2017 20:27

Sorry I meant to say she was the most formative person I have met, not the most important. I mean meeting her changed my life and I wanted to tell her that as well as saying goodbye.

OP posts:
Feilin · 22/09/2017 20:27

Id write to her. Sounds like it would give you some closure even just to send the letter.

Haffdonga · 22/09/2017 20:32

I think you should write exactly what you said here. You're doing well thanks in large part to her help and that you regret you didn't let her know at the time.

Keep it light. She's not your therapist now so can't deal with issues but she's human and she'll care even while she'll maintain a professional distance. She'll be wondering what's happened and pleased to hear that you're ok.

onalongsabbatical · 22/09/2017 20:32

Oh, sweetie, you didn't let her down, you just weren't able to do the best ending for you that she would have liked for you.
I'm a retired therapist. If I had a letter as full of appreciation as your post I'd be delighted, and it would be lovely to be filled in a bit as to the loose ends.
I wrote to a therapist I'd had a massively important relationship with thirty years previously, because I needed to thank her from such a different place to the one I'd been in when she helped me. Different, I know. But it was a great letter to write and I had a lovely reply.
If it's important to you, I'd gently encourage you to do it.

I'm so pleased that therapy helped you. It certainly helped me. Flowers

NeonFlower · 22/09/2017 20:39

Remember if you don't get a reply it doesn't mean she doesn't care - she may feel replying goes outside the professional boundary, or she may have moved and not get your letter. Write it for you, to do the proper ending you wouldn't let yourself do before.

Dustbunny1900 · 22/09/2017 20:58

I'd tell her what a huge help and difference she made in your life, but wouldn't do a huge gushing apology, she was your therapist it's not like you ghosted on a partner or bestie so I wouldn't dwell on that aspect other than a quick mention perhaps. I'm sure she gets it.

MyDobbygotgivenasock · 22/09/2017 21:01

I agree with everyone else. You haven't let her down though and she won't have judged you or have thought anything negative, her advice and requests come from a professional place that is about you and achieving the best for you.
I think the letter would be very meaningful for you and you would benefit from the thoughts and process of getting it down on paper, a wonderful bonus of this is that it will be lovely for her to get as well. I don't think you have to apologise either.
I had a similar sort of letter I was planning to send but I didn't for not very good reasons, by the time I sorted myself out it was too late and I find I deeply regret not making sure they knew just how profound a difference they had made to my life, including the fact I still had one at all.
I think if you are ok with the fact you may not get a reply, for reasons that aren't personal, and that won't adversely affect you then do send it. If you aren't sure you could write it, put it aside and then reread it and see how you feel, if you still feel like you want to then do it.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/09/2017 21:16

Maybe you could find a new therapist in your new country so you can continue the good work. Knowing you can engage well with a counsellor is great and building on that now would be a bonus. You could begin the work with expressing how you feel about how things ended with former therapist and go from there.

Italiangreyhound · 22/09/2017 21:30

Write to her.

(I used to have counselling by phone and sometimes Skype.)

Original poster
splendidisolation · 23/09/2017 11:50

Thank you so much for such thoughtful replies everyone. I have written the letter and will send it today.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 23/09/2017 11:54

I think letter is a great idea. I'm sure she would love to know your doing well

Ivy79 · 23/09/2017 11:56

YES YES YES Contact her! It will make her weekend. Smile

She will understand.

Glad you're feeling a bit better, and I hope you meet with her soon. Flowers

effs · 23/09/2017 12:04

Don't write to her, it's inappropriate. I work in a field like this and it is not tolerated. She has many more clients and although she did care, she was paid to do so also.

Haffdonga · 23/09/2017 16:07

I disagree effs and I also work in a similar field. It would be inappropriate if OP was expecting some kind of personal friendship or therapeutic relationship to stem from her email. But sending a polite and grateful email thanking the counsellor and letting her know that things are good now is entirely appropriate.

Just like any customer who has bought a service or product might provide some thanks and follow up feedback later. I cant see any reason why it would be crossing boundaries.

Ducknose · 23/09/2017 16:15

Yes, if it would be therapeutic for you to do so, it's a good idea. But she was a professional doing her job, not someone you knew on a personal level. You didn't let her down.
As long as you do this for you, then it's the right reason. Not because of misplaced loyalty.

Motoko · 23/09/2017 16:26

It's no more inappropriate than all the thank you cards and notes I've seen pinned to the walls at the cancer hospital.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 23/09/2017 16:40

You know she could still be your therapist via Skype, right?

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