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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make DD13 buy a new school jacket with her own money

35 replies

mikeyssister · 22/09/2017 09:45

DD13 has just started secondary school. She's a divil for leaving stuff down, not putting things away, leaving stuff behind etc etc. We've been trying to work with her for years trying to teach techniques so she'll remember to check she has everything with her.

It's lashing rain today so I told her before she left to catch the bus to school to put her jacket on. Turns out she can't find it, has no idea when she last had it or last saw it. She remembers seeing a jacket on top of the lockers in school and is hoping it's hers.

She went to school knowing we're not annoyed with her, but being very clear that if she's lost her jacket she has to pay for the new one with her savings. It'll cost €65.

AIBU to insist she pays for it because:

  1. We can afford it
  2. She's only just started secondary and is still getting used to moving classrooms and having to bring all her stuff with her
  3. The money she'll be using was given to her as presents
  4. She's a really good girl who causes us very little trouble

Hopefully, she'll find it in school, but if she doesn't we'll need to make a decision.

OP posts:
RB68 · 22/09/2017 09:50

but

  1. The leaving stuff around is a REALLY bad habit

so I would say make her pay half and say the next thing is full price

Notreallyarsed · 22/09/2017 09:52

We had this with DS1 and also DSD2, it got to the point that they didn’t give a shit about their stuff because they knew we’d replace it. So we stopped, and insisted they replaced things they’d been careless with. Funnily enough they both got a lot more careful with their things!

DarceyBusselsNose · 22/09/2017 09:54

Has she been to lost property?
Was it marked with her name?

Ttbb · 22/09/2017 09:55

Nope, sounds like an excellent idea.

FaithAgain · 22/09/2017 09:58

I was flipping useless with stuff like this. Lost loads of stuff, mostly from not looking back before I left somewhere. I would make her pay half. She will not learn to take responsibility unless it is impressed upon her and contributing financially will help with that.

Columbine1 · 22/09/2017 09:58

It would be U because it's such a lot of money for her but not so much for you. Perhaps issue a final warning that next time she will need to pay or ask for £10? contribution. I know how annoying it is - DS misplaced brand new rugby shirt & many other things at school. Too far for me to go in easily. Usually managed to retrieve things from sports clubs though and was always amazed at the piles of branded stuff no one had bothered to look for in lost property.

Porpoises · 22/09/2017 10:17

Aaw its hard when you've just started secondary. Tbh even now if i had to move everything 6 times a day, take the right equipment for 6 activities, in an environment with hundreds of people also moving around with similar looking belongings to mine... whilst also trying to get to grips with new types of work and make new friends... i think i would also forget stuff!

Don't punish too harshly, as you can afford it then maybe just make her pay a token amount or do a few chores. She didn't do it on purpose.

Helenluvsrob · 22/09/2017 10:18

The deal we had was we'd replace anything once then after that they'd have to pay...

Original poster
mikeyssister · 22/09/2017 11:47

@DarceyBusselsNose, no not yet she'll be going in this morning. Yes it has her name.

I'm definitely leaning towards just a contribution this time, but her three older siblings all manage to get through the day without losing things.

She's so frustrating.

No, we didn't get annoyed with her because she didn't do it on purpose but it's just so bloody frustrating.

OP posts:
meyouus · 22/09/2017 14:16

I would replace it this time, and then if it happens again make her pay half and if it happens anymore then she pays the whole amount (and if she has no savings then she was to "earn it" buy doing extra chores etc)

Original poster
mikeyssister · 22/09/2017 17:37

I could fecking kill her. She texted me at lunchtime to say the jacket on top of the lockers was hers. So I told her to make sure she brought it home.

She waltzes in, delighted with herself because it's the weekend, dancing in her jumper. Her jumper!!!!

So I quietly ask "Where's your jacket?" AND SHE'S ONLY GONE AND LEFT IT ON TOP OF THE LOCKERS, AGAIN.

OP posts:
SagelyNodding · 22/09/2017 17:42

Is it terrible that I laughed?? Kind of hollowly as I can see my 2 boys being exactly the same in secondary... DS2 lost 2 coats within 3 weeks last winter...

Sympathies, OP

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2017 17:55

You absolutely should make her pay for the things she loses. She's 13 and it's high time she learns that there are consequences for being so irresponsible. The excuse that she doesn't "mean to" lose things is not acceptable. You will be doing her no favors if you continue to bail her out every time she screws up. As for coming home yet again without the jacket, if I were you I would punish her for being so damn flakey. That is just ridiculous.

Original poster
mikeyssister · 22/09/2017 19:57

I don't intend to punish her for forgetting again. She knows I'm disappointed and annoyed and that's enough.

If the jacket doesn't come home on Monday she'll be in trouble, and if it's lost well...

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 22/09/2017 19:59

We were all thirteen once and all made worse mistakes. Not a good habit but better than underage sex or drinking,

Original poster
mikeyssister · 22/09/2017 19:59

And I don't bail her out every time she "screws up". In fact she very seldom "screws up". I don't believe that a 13 year old really can "screw up".

OP posts:
Original poster
mikeyssister · 22/09/2017 20:02

I take it back @Crumbs1 is right 13 year olds can screw up. She doesn't drink or have sex....yet.

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 22/09/2017 20:04

I think that it was be good to.replace it for her. The transition to secondary is stressful and she is generally sensible. It is probably the time to show her that you are on side, rather than making her feel useless for messing up.

Wolfiefan · 22/09/2017 20:04

Oh bugger. My 7 year old is JUST like this. I was hoping she would have her shit together before secondary school.
SOB!
Gin

Armadillostoes · 22/09/2017 20:05

Sorry-would be, not was! I think that you have the right approach OP.

Original poster
mikeyssister · 26/09/2017 23:10

Yippee, jacket came home today. Now to deal with the premium app that charges €7.50 per week that she's denying signing up for.

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 27/09/2017 07:14

Have you seen those little tags you can buy that link to an app in your phone? You attach them to an item and then you can see the location via the phone (which is great, until you lose your phone obviously!). They're not cheap so can't put them on everything but maybe just the more expensive / large items (bag, costly jacket etc)? Just a thought!

BarbarianMum · 27/09/2017 08:19

Ds1 was exactly like this until he had to pay for a new jumper and a new watch in quick succession (age 10). He's still really dreamy now but he's really careful about his stuff. Given that he's just started secondary, this is a good thing.

Fekko · 27/09/2017 08:22

I'd get her to pay a bit towards it (maybe £10) and to work off the rest (bin duty or changing the beds). Ds is the same but sometimes other kids/parents 'liberate' nice new school kit...

Original poster
mikeyssister · 27/09/2017 15:18

Ha, I'm on a rule. She's getting a refund of €32.50 of phone credit. And a massive lecture and warning about phone usage.

OP posts: