To expect school to help with this?

[HopefullyAnonymous]

Sorry, will be long! DS is 9. For the last year or two we have struggled to get him to eat his packed lunches. It started with most of his sandwiches being left, then his yoghurt, sometimes crisps too. Sometimes he'd eat nothing. I've tried everything - no "snack items", wraps, salads, crackers and cheese, pasta/rice salads, quiche, pizzas made from rolled up pasty, school dinners. We've planned meals of his choosing at the weekend and he's helped make them. Still the same, he doesn't eat enough to keep a mouse going

I think the problem is that he wants to get out as quickly as possible. He can be the same at home if there's something he'd rather be doing, usually playing football! The problem is that he's borderline underweight for his age and I'm concerned. We have seen some improvements at home; I've tried smaller portions so that clearing his plate becomes manageable, I involve him with planning and cooking where I can. We make meal times family time to distract him from whatever else he's itching to get back to. He's not at all a fussy eater and he does enjoy food when he concentrates on eating it!

Due to his weight concerns I've asked whether school (tiny village school, less than 100 pupils) could keep an eye on him at lunch times and encourage him to eat/not let him out until he's at least eaten something. They said it's not their job to force him to eat, if he was hungry he'd eat and that's that. Due to wrap around childcare he sometimes goes almost 10 hours without food so I'm at my wits end and desperate for advice! Should I expect more help from school?

Why don't you, as the parent, put some boundaries in place and tell him that if he doesn't eat, he can't go to football. If he loves football so much that should be all the incentive he needs.

Childcare wise the DCs go to a childminder every morning one week and every evening the other. They've already eaten breakfast before going but are welcome to have food there. DD (5) often has a crumpet there but DS never does. Of an evening they have a small tea which DS picks at.

If it is simply that he wants to get out to play quickly and there are no other underlying issues then I would deal with it as any other bad behaviour. Give him the minimum you think he would need for lunch and explain that he must eat it and then sanction him if he doesn't like you would for anything else (remove privileges, etc). He needs to understand that this is an unacceptable behaviour.

I work in a primary school and other than verbally encouraging them there isn't a whole lot school could do. All of the schools I've been at would have struggled to free up a member of staff to sit 1:1 with a child like your son. I've done things like a sticker chart etc for kids before to encourage good eating. Might be worth suggesting?

Would he eat calorie dense foods? Does he like sweet or savoury? I'd maybe try sending food in that is high in fat and carb so he gets more bang for his buck. Maybe you've tried this. I'm thinking pain au chocolat/chocolate spread (no nuts) sandwiches, sausage roll, pork pie raisins. I'm not a nutritionist and I do appreciate these aren't the most nutritious foods but they are calorific. Could you perhaps try giving him 3 things and agreeing with him he eats one thing at morning break, one at lunch and one at after school care?

If you think the issue is that he just wants to go out as quickly as possible, could you use a timer? So for example he needs to sit in the dinner hall for 5 minutes and then he can go out regardless of how much he's eaten. You might find he will eat rather than sit there doing nothing!

And at home you all stay at the table until everyone has finished, again it means eating quickly or not eating has no advantage.

Will he eat on the work to and from school? Not sure if it allowed but could you pack a flapjack in his coat for playtimes?

Easier said than done but I'd try to ignore it, the most likely thing that will happen is that he'll get his appetite back.

If you're sure there's no underlying health issue everyone nagging him to eat might lead to eating problems in the future.

Ime continual encouragement or pestering to eat is counterproductive.

Most schools I've been in, children aren't just allowed to go out to play at lunch whenever they like, they either go all together or a year group at a time or something, not just when they want. So the children would be expected to stay at the lunch table for a minimum period. In a small school, there is possibly only one lunch sitting, the children would stay in until the majority had finished eating and then would all go out together, leaving the stragglers to finish off whilst one dinner lady starts to clean up! So it might not be a rush for play that is the impetus, there may be another reason.

What about a protien shake type thing he can drink quicklyly and getvout and play.

You seem to feel that if school did more it would help with his weight issues. But you are talking about 5 lunches a week. All the other meals, which should be approximately 16 plus all the weeks when he is not at school, are your responsibility. If you are struggling to get enough food into him across all those times, then I honestly think the school lunches are going to make little difference to the overall issue.

I know you have said that you have checked that there is nothing medically going on, but I am wondering if it is worth revisiting this. It just seems unusual for a child to choose to not eat to this extent. Have you considered GERD? Issues with chewing or swallowing food, have you had him tested for allergies and intolerances, does eating make him feel odd, ill or strange? Might be worth another conversation with a medical professional and maybe a specialist

Where do children with packed lunches eat their lunch?

Who supervises lunchtime?

What are the rules around going out to play at lunchtime?

Depending on the answers, the school may easily be able to do something - and should anyway have procedures in place that stop children from going out to play without eating. For example, could he be sent first to the dinner hall? Given a specific place to eat near where a dinner lady already stands (e.g. giving out trays for hot lunches)? Have to have his lunchbox checked before he is allowed out (this is the norm in some schools, and can be done for individual children in others - for example where children are diabetic and we have to know exactly what they've eaten to calculate insulin doses)? Could he eat elsewhere, e.g. in the classroom or in a corridor outside an office where he can be overlooked and is not distracted? Could the school implement a 'minimum eating time' before anyone goes out to play (we have this), with your DS always being the first child in the dinner hall? Could they recruit his friends to help e.g. have a table of football playing boys who all sit together, and are asked all to finish their lunches together in return for e.g. a special time when they can play football at another time of day / time of the week? Is there another time when he could reasonably be asked to finish his lunch, e.g. during afternoon registration if he hasn't finished it at lunchtime, with failure to finish becoming part of the normal classroom rewards and sanctions? Could the childminder and after-school club join in on this to ensure that he finishes / eats any extra food there?

The point is, if he is losing / not gaining weight it is a medical issue. It will also not be setting him up to learn best, and it is possibly the latter tack that the school will be most responsive to - a 'could we try this for a fortnight and see if his concentration / behaviour / performance on the afternoon at school improves' approach perhaps?

The school cannot FORCE him to eat, but they should have systems in place that allow him enough time to eat and prevent him from avoiding eating in order to play: those are 'normal' primary school welfare concerns and the school should, in terms of basic care / safeguarding, have systems that support this.

Do ypu suspect an eating disorder?

What's wrong with eating in front of the tv/laptop?

I think the school should be doing more to help you, you aren't being unreasonable. In the meantime high energy snacks for your boy as an interim measure, and high calorie foods that you know he loves, chicken pasta for lunch for example, slices of pizza with lots of topping etc...things he can eat fast and high energy..but all his favourite foods.

He may not eat well in front of the tv. My skinny ds1 certainly doesn't, just ends up watching. Computer is worse.

What do you do when he brings home the full lunchbox? At 9 he's old enough to understand he consequences. What do you say to him?

This. It sounds like you're resigned to the 'gentle encouragement' at home but he's not a toddler and it sounds like you need to take a harder line with him.

I suppose the risk is that he'll start binning his lunch and telling you he's eaten it. Not sure how you get round that.

My DD doesn't want to eat much at lunchtime either. It's not a time that she's hungry and she doesn't want to miss any of her playtime.

She eats it after after school club as a starter to her dinner. Would your DS do that?

You can have all of those things as a packed lunch, forget yoghurt and crisps and sandwiches...think slices of lasagne, and bananas and cake...

So are you saying your ds hasn't always had a small appetite, but that this is a recent thing and that he is losing weight? Is he growing normally? Or is he unusually short/not growing much heightwise? Did the GP flag it up to you, or did you take him to the GP specifically to ask about his lack of eating?

What do you do when he brings home the full lunchbox? At 9 he's old enough to understand he consequences. What do you say to him?

This.