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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how to cope with GP's spoiling kids?

22 replies

spoiledrotton · 21/09/2017 14:42

We have a toddler (who turned 3 last month) with GP's who like to spoil her rotten - it's a grandparents prerogative right? I really don't want to sound ungrateful, we know we are lucky that DD's GP's care for her and want to make her happy, but it's getting a bit much and they don't listen to us at all - but maybe IABU - I need some perspective.

For every celebration (Christmas, birthdays etc) they ask for a list of what DD might like. Great, it means we can ask for toys/activities which will be useful, that DD will enjoy and will keep her busy, or things she will need (clothes etc). Trouble is, every time, despite them asking for the stupid list they never buy anything from it.

DD ends up being given lots of large flashy toys that are either totally age inappropriate or really bad quality (they spend way too much money but buy cheap so they can buy lots) so things break almost instantly, or end up being duplicates of things that she already has. Our house looks like a toy shop and I can't get rid of any of it in case they get offended. Rather than a few teddies we have close to 30, rather than 1 or 2 dolls it's 5 now - and a new one is bought every time they visit and take her out (they can't say no when she asks for something in the shop!). She now has 3 toy phones FFS.

I wouldn't care, but our house is turning into a tip with all this stuff (they're a bit prone to hoarding themselves...) and we're always really careful to say when we make the list that we don't have much space so small items are better - like any toddler she gets hours of entertainment over a cardboard box and scraps of paper she doesn't need much.

So, why, why, why do they insist on asking what she would like if they then just go and ignore it. AIBU? How do you cope with grandparents spoiling your kid. I don't want her raised to think she can have a new toy every time she goes into a shop (you can imagine the meltdowns we get after they visit...)?

OP posts:

Leavingonajet · 21/09/2017 14:55

I managed for a while to create this situation by myself if that makes sense by buying far too much stuff for my kids, them gm bought more stuff and you could hardly walk through our house. Things that helped me were being really clear with everyone (including myself) that only so much space would be given to toys, when that space was full stuff had to be passed on, there was a one in one out policy to prevent stock piling of soft toys. Anything broken gets binned at once. I think you have to be a lot firmer with the GP, it is your house. We started saying, 'well we have no space left in our house so if you get it you will have to keep it at GM's' GM is now happy to give them money for their bank accounts at least 50% of the time! If you donate the stuff that you have been clear that you do not have the space for they will stop giving it to you, or at least cut down. I waited far too ,one before dealing with this and it is so much nicer in our house now.

Beamur · 21/09/2017 14:55

Kids learn that different rules can apply, so if you don't buy her stuff when you go out, fine. Just be consistent yourself.
Make the gift suggestions a smaller list.
If toys break, throw them away. Kids grow out of things too & the big toy phase does pass. Maybe ask to keep some toys at the Grandparents house too?
If you are running out of space, some toys have to go. Be thoughtful about where they go - toy library maybe or a toddler group your child goes to.

meyouus · 21/09/2017 15:36

I totally feel this, my family have just brought my kids iPads even the baby!!! I have 3 under 3, they do not need iPads at this age. Let alone their own one!

Areyoufree · 21/09/2017 16:24

meyouus Please adopt me!

abbsisspartacus · 21/09/2017 16:27

My ex in-laws do this I began returning them to stay at there house they now buy clothing the children don't need fortunately I just pick a favourite or two and donate the rest to a mate so this year I got given Matalan vouchers I don't usually shop there for clothing though 🤔

Oly5 · 21/09/2017 16:32

I'm a bit torn on this as obviously grandparents want to spoil their grandchild and kids don't have toys forever. Can you put some in the loft and rotate them? Secretly give some away? If you halved the teddies nobody would really notice..

KimmySchmidt1 · 21/09/2017 16:36

Dont stop them, but dont become a hostage to it either - if something is knackered or no longer age appropriate throw it away. dont let their gifts become a giant burden.

and stop giving them lists as they will interpret that as you wanting them to buy lots of presents. Just say next time "she would like some books -she has way too many x and takes them for granted."

RoseGoldEagle · 21/09/2017 16:46

Tell them you have so many toys now that you've got no space and are going to have to give some away, then stress again when they ask for a birthday list that you've no room for anything big. And if they ignore it, they've had fair warning, so just start taking things to charity shop, and don't feel guilty it about it, it's your house and your DD!

Original poster

spoiledrotton · 21/09/2017 16:58

Wow meyouus I feel for you, that is a whole different level!

It feels like we've tried everything, we've said no list, please don't get anything, suggested they use the money to pay for an activity instead or just useful things like clothes, given a very short specific list (e.g. only books) etc etc, but the avalanche of toys keep coming, and when they visit it becomes so excessive. I would suggest they take some back to their house, but they have already bought almost all of the toys we have at home to have at their house too...

I currently do a loft rotation where I put a box away and bring it out again in a couple of months time, but there's just too much stuff to even do that now. I think you're all right, it's time to just start clearing stuff out and give it to a good cause where it will see more use. I just feel so harsh doing it as they always notice if things are missing (they hold on to everything so to them it seems very heartless), but it probably really is the only way to get the message through.

OP posts:

Bambamber · 21/09/2017 17:04

Could you start keeping some of the toys at the GPs house? Maybe if all the toys start taking up all their space they may slow down a little

Albatross26 · 21/09/2017 17:06

Actually thought this was going to be about doctors spoiling your kids

Original poster

spoiledrotton · 21/09/2017 17:11

albatross26 I realised that after posting - wouldn't that be a good problem!

OP posts:

NeonFlower · 21/09/2017 17:20

Have a clear out. If they express being offended, gently say that you did tell them what toys would be useful, the dc have had enjoyment from them, but have moved on now, because they bought them other things. Get the dc in the habit of clearing out or donating to charity things before birthdays and christmas, so they don't get the hoarding habit either. Is your OH on board though?

Original poster

spoiledrotton · 21/09/2017 17:24

Yes OH is totally on board thankfully! He constantly reminds them and actually suggested a clear out a couple of weeks ago but I was the one who was more hesitant in case we caused offence. We'll go for it this weekend.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2017 17:27

I'm a grandparerent. I might buy the odd thing I like but mostly I ask the parents and discuss first.

They don't care that they're ignoring you so feel free to dispose. If it's no good/too much/a duplicate etc just either give it to charity if suitable or bin.

If they ask, tell them why. Might stop them wasting their money on unwanted rubbish.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/09/2017 17:27

Our local women's hostel is always hugely grateful for children's toys and books. Whenever we have a sort out that's our first port of call. Our GP surgery has a stash of children's toys and books, too, which often need replacing as they're so well-used. Awful as it might sound, I give away the DCs stuff sometimes simply because they'll never use it.

stargirl1701 · 21/09/2017 17:27

Take half to GPs house.

Carouselfish · 21/09/2017 17:42

DD's (age 2) Dad spoils her and it drives me quietly crazy. For example, he has to buy complete sets of everything, so, she likes Horrid Henry, we now own every dvd there is. He (not even she) liked Care Bears - she now owns 22 of them, though only five are allowed in my house! If I was doing it alone, I'd never have been this materialistic. I'm more of a 'play with a stick' type person. It means she doesn't get attached or assign much value to any of her toys, which is sad. We are also out of room and I'm dreading Xmas. Presents arrive all the time, taking away the specialness of birthdays and Xmas anyway.
To compensate, I make sure I just buy her one, very well thought out gift for occasions. When she's older, I hope she'll learn she doesn't need all this stuff, not just demand more and more. sad I suppose it also presents an opportunity to learn how to give things away to charity!
My GP issue at the moment is more of an emotional spoiling. Ie. being 2 DD whinges and cries everytime she doesn't get her own way, which I brush off but GM says 'oh nooo, what's the MATTER darling? Are you okay? What happened?' etc in a melodramatic way. That's driving me nuts.

Carouselfish · 21/09/2017 17:46

I meant . DD's dad also has a garage FULL of all his stuff and childhood stuff included, that won't fit into his place. I know he's only trying to compensate for not being with her every day and I'm grateful he's kind and generous, but ARGH! My house!!! DD's values!!!!

waterrat · 21/09/2017 18:03

Honestly you can stop this. Tell them its lovely but you have noticed she is getting crowded and overwhelmed and you are going to restrict the number of toys she has.

Its your home!

waterrat · 21/09/2017 18:05

You can't seriously keep piles of stuff she doesn't play with just to avoid offence...kids grow out of stuff and it gets passed on....

IdaDown · 21/09/2017 18:06

DM did this for the first few years after I'd had DS. Honest to god, bin bag sized 'Christmas' bags full of shit.

After a few of these. Not being listened to etc... I had it out. Caused some tantrums (DM) but it got better.

If they don't listen just get rid. Charity shops will be glad of the donations.

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