To see the doctor about this?

[mrsm43s]

I'm tired. I mean really, really tired. I work hard, and am busy, and have been tired pretty much since I had the children to some degree or another, but in the last few weeks it's got far worse and I've started embarrassingly falling asleep all the time. On the train to work, on the train back from work, during my lunchbreak at work, really any time I stop for a moment, I seem to drop off. It's sleeping through exhaustion, not narcolepsy or similar, I'm just bone tired.

I'm mid 40s and bar a bit of mild asthma, no known health issues.

My life is stupidly busy. I commute into London to work, which is about 1.5 hours each way, as does DH. I get up around 6.15 to leave the house for 7.15. Can't leave any later - DH actually works slightly further across London and has to leave before 7. Children are (younger end) Secondary age, and walk to school, leaving at 7.30, so DH and I between us need to make sure they're up, breakfasted and ready before we leave. Generally all goes OK, kids pretty much self manage, but it's a fairly hectic hour before I even leave the house.

I like my job, it's OK, busy but manageable. My job is not the problem.

I get home about 7pm, from then til the children go to bed at 9ish, its dinner then engaging with the children, homework, music practice, generally chatting and spending the precious small amount of time I have with them.

After they've gone to bed, DH and I clear up from dinner, do any bits of admin, maybe chuck in a load of washing, sort out any school bits that need dealing with, have showers etc. We head up to bed around 10.30ish, having not stopped, and we do tend to chat, cuddle, whatever in bed, meaning that we're probably not actually asleep til close to 11.30.

Weekends - both kids have sports fixtures most Saturdays, so DH and I are both up usually by 7.00 ish to ferry them around to their various matches. Then we have to do the supermarket shop, the housework, change the bedding, washing the uniforms and sports kit etc. Weekends are more relaxed than the week, but we're still busy fitting everything in We try to socialise most Saturday nights - nothing manic, but out to dinner with friends or hosting a dinner, or maybe a cinema trip or bowling, or popping out for drinks. Sundays we get a lay in til around 9.00, and then visit (local) elderly parents on both sides, plus the whole back to school/work routine - ironing, homework, shoe cleaning, plus trying to organise for the week ahead - batch cooking/meal planning etc. It feels a bit like we never really stop.

So I'm tired, and keep falling asleep. Is this a medical thing? Or a lifestyle thing? For sure I don't get enough sleep, but neither does DH, and he seems to cope much better than me (and he definitely does pull his weight and does (possibly more than) his fair share at home).

If it's a lifestyle thing, then I'm pretty snookered, as I can't see how we can cut back on what we do. We keep on top of day to day stuff just about, but we have piles of decorating/gardening etc that we just never get round to doing. We can't afford to buy in help, or to work any less hours.

So should I go see a doctor, or is this just how it is for families with two full time (commuting) workers and family commitments nowadays.

zzzzzzz

Agree with PP that it doesn't sound more than a normal busy family but do your children really need to do extra curricular stuff every night? Dont they get tired? I found once mine were at secondary school they were so knackered from the full on days that we had to cut extra stuff down to one at weekends and perhaps a couple after school otherwise they just got too tired trying to fit everything in. Kids need downtime too and I think that, as parents, we are so anxious to give them the opportunities that maybe we didn't have that we forget to let them be kids.

Back to you though - def get your iron levels checked - also include a power smoothie into your morning routine. I've been taking a kale, spinach and wheatgrass smoothie for nearly two weeks and am definitely not as exhausted.

Do home admin on the train/lunch break.

Put washing on when you get home. Chat to child/listen to music practice while ironing.

Stay at home once a month/cut food budget by £20 per week and spend the process on a cleaner for 2hrs a week.

I am your age and I know what you mean, strangely a long holiday (3 weeks) and exercising more has really helped my energy levels. But I hear you, boy I hear you

I cant help notice that every single bit of practical advice you rebut, I mean this kindly but if you don't try and change anything nothing will change.

I can think of a few things that might help you, but I am wary of advising as you same to say NO to everything :-)

your life is exceptionally busy, and you have 23 more years of work to go!

so see the GP, but listen to what people are saying and consider making some small changes

Kids choose to do the extra curriculars, they're at a school that encourages it, they love it, and these opportunities are a lot of why we choose to send them there.

I've been reading the replies and reflecting, and to clarify, I feel tired and like I need more sleep (hence falling asleep) rather than particularly bothered by the busyness of my life.

I'm actually beginning to wonder now if I've got issues with sleep quality - something that has been happening for the last 6m-1yr is that every single morning I wake up at 3am. I just turn over and go back to sleep, but the sleep I have between 3am-6am when my alarm goes off is always a bit different - I have vivid "busy" dreams, and it doesn't feel quite as deep. Perhaps this is the issue?

Oh and I'd love to do more exercise - I used to have a gym membership, but cancelled it, because I struggled to fit in going. I do miss it - I don't particularly love exercise itself, but I did like the way I felt afterwards, and I always slept better when physically tired rather than mentally tired - so back to sleep quality again.

Monday night after 9:00pm - normal routine for you, DH showers, relaxes/goes to bed early if he wants to.

Tuesday night after 9:00pm - normal routine for DH, you shower and relax/go to bed early.

Rinse and repeat

Or

You can do admin stuff, put a wash on, e-mails, clear up after dinner whilst engaging with your children.

As someone who used to live like this (children now grown up and gone) I think the punishing routine is one you can keep up for years and then all of a sudden you realise just what a lot you are doing, and how you can't stop doing any of it and it all becomes more difficult then. One thing is very clear and that is that you cannot carry on like this and feel fit and healthy with only 6.45 hours a night sleep - for that reason alone you will be tired in the day.

I know you have gone through all the things you do and say you cannot change any of them, but quite simply the way you feel now is the price you will pay for not making changes. Could you not factor in two early nights a week. Simple meals those nights and the children could clear up with you.

Do you get an exercise? especially in the fresh air? it is so calming for the mind and raises the spirits. Thinking through this again perhaps you could make mini cuts to some of the things you do now, such as going out or entertaining 3 Saturdays out of 4, seeing parents 5 weekends out of 6?

To keep both of us content in full time work I do all food shopping on line and have a cleaner, it just saves so much time, so our weekends are now our own.

Of course the commute is a big chunk of time every week, any chance of reducing this by moving or reducing hours?

Early morning wakening can be a sign of stress.

I think the whole family's lifestyle sounds very stressful. And this is from someone who understands the point of selective schools with lots of extra-curriculars. Within reason. Your children are doing 12 hour days before they even sit down to do homework.

You have quite a long commute. You may just have reached burnout. Is there anyway of moving nearer work, changing jobs to something nearer, or doing more work from home?

Oh yes, and I do take on board the saying no to everything. But I've already gone through a lot of the suggestions with myself in my own head previously, and not found a way to make them work. I'm well aware that I have quite high expectations for myself and place myself under a certain amount of pressure, but I'm OK with that. I just want to be able to stay awake!

So very important to me are:
My kids, their schooling, their extracurriculars, their childhood.
My ailing parents and ILs, and spending time with them.
My relationship with my DH
Having a social life

Essential for existance
Both working in London
Both working full time
Keeping the house acceptably clean and tidy
Putting food on the table

Not important to me
Always cooking from scratch
High levels of cleanliness/excessive cleaning
Quite comfortable putting off decorating and gardening and only doing essentials.

And once again - we simply can't afford to buy in help, not even if we juggle our budget. So cleaning/gardening etc has to be done by us, but we're happy doing it to a basic standard.

I do really like the idea of perhaps DH and I having one night a week where we go to bed early (same time as the kids) and the other covers the tasks for the evening . I'm pretty sure that DH would be up for that too, he's also similarly tired!

And yes, we don't have to socialise every single Saturday, so maybe I'll drop it down to every other or thereabouts.

I think a lot of it is probably lifestyle related - I can definitely empathise with a lot of what you're saying.

But.....I would absolutely echo previous posters and suggest a GP visit. It might be worth checking your vit d levels, thyroid function, blood sugar, iron and folate.

Get the medical side ticked off. The fact that it is a change in how you feel makes me think you should at least get your bloods checked. I was wondering about your thyroid.
Then if there are no issues there, you know for sure it is a lifestyle/sleep thing.

You sound even busier than me and I'm knackered! With me it's definitely lack of sleep.

Get your vitamin D and your thyroid levels checked, OP. (And iron, etc....) I ended up bursting into tears in my doctor's office and found out why I'd been feeling just the way you described. I am 45 and have borderline osteoporosis as a result of the vitamin d deficiency - which wasn't that bad, btw, and my thyroid has totally atrophied. Now that I am on medication for both, I am feeling soooooo much better!!!

I would say check up with gp I went as I felt exhausted all of the time. Bloods checked vitamin d levels low I'm a similar age to you .

Certainly no harm in getting an apt with your GP. Ask for a blood test, that may be able to be done by the par active nurse before you see the doctor so when you do see him or her you can discuss results as well as the life stuff.
Things for the blood test :

Ferritin
Iron
Vitamin d level ( results should be high end of lab reference range. Middling or low in the range is not good enough ESP not going into winter)
Vitamin b12. ( and if that is low, ask for an intrinsic factor test as lots of people have trouble absorbing oral vitamin b12 and it leads to pernicious anaemia)
Tsh level - useless really but it is the only indicator the NHS use for thyroid problems. If tsh is high, you are most certainly hypothyroid which will need treating. If that's the case look at 'stop the thyroid madness' and thyroid patient advocate uk (TPAUK)
Adding the above into routine bloods will be the best way of working out if there's any underlying issues that are causing this.
And some of the above can cause lots of probs if not sorted.

Par active - practice

I'm well aware that I have quite high expectations for myself and place myself under a certain amount of pressure, but I'm OK with that. I just want to be able to stay awake!

Your brain may be ok with it, your body may not.

Totally agree with getting everything checked out medically, but the fact is many people would be exhausted by your lifestyle.

All the things you say can't give - would have to give if you got ill.

I think you should see GP for a blood test as you could be anaemic.

Stop visiting the parents every week. The kids are old enough to do some stuff. From now on teach them how to cook a few dishes (simple like spaghetti and shepards pie ). Let each one cook once a week. Thats two nights not cooking for you and have a sit down! While they do it. Let them change their own beds and iron their own clothes.

It used to be normal of kids that age to do these kind of things. Plus it teaches them some simple skills that they need.

Typed post then lost it. Quick recap

• check your iron levels. The liquid supplements would be a good boost and would kick in after a week or two.

• alternate earlier nights (bed at 10?) with the usual bedtime for you and him, plus the once a week super early night

-yoga is great for encouraging good sleep, though it's yet another thing to fit in

• could you work from home one day a week and save on the commuting time and stress?

Could you or your DH drop work by 1 day a week or 1 day a fortnight?
An odd day at home to get jobs done is amazing for mental health and energy levels.

Are you getting any exercise ? Such as a 20 minute walk during work day, or a half hour walk during the kids' weekend exC activities.

Are you really picky about quality of diet: lots of flavenoids & veg & fruit? When we get older we can't get away with rubbish choices any more, stuff like bad diet & smoking & drinking & getting no exercise matter a lot. You can visit the doc for pills, but there are small things you could try that will help at least in long term if not sooner.

Are the kids at indie school & you're working all hours to pay the fees? I think you'd just have to suck that up until it's done, then.

Agree with others that you need to see a GP and get a checkup.

In the meantime, perhaps what you really need is a week off work. And to do absolutely nothing other than get a bit of fresh air, do some pottering about in the garden and rest. You are stressed, exhausted (and probably suffering from burnout), and you can't carry on like this. I know - I've been there.

Definitely can't drop any hours.

I don't do any "formal" exercise any more, but do swiftly walk 20mins each way each day to the station and back. It's not enough, really, but better than nothing.

Diet is pretty good, always get our 5 a day, but struggle to reach 10 a day. Odd fling the pizza in the oven days, but mostly well balanced meals. Not micro meals, and very rarely takeaways.

Yes, kids at indy, and yes, we work hard to pay for it. But only a full time job each, not overtime or 2nd jobs or anything like that. But we do have a long commute. Salaries could not be matched locally. This is probably why we prioritise the school work and extra curriculars, but it's important to us, and the kids are so happy, and growing up into lovely young adults. Having seen how they've blossomed in the last couple of years, frankly I'd sell my soul to keep them there, and so I can certainly put up with a bit of tiredness for it.

have you mentioned what place booze has in your life, Mrsm43s?

Could you add some exercise on the weekends, too?

I was shattered for 2 years after 2nd child. Presumed it was normal to feel that way. Was always getting colds etc. Eventually had enough and broke down at Gp! All bloods normal except vitamin d. Was really low. Like a new woman since taking high doses.
Def worth getting checked.
Only time I remember falling asleep nearly standing up and lunch breaks at work etc was when I was pregnant...dare I say could this be a possibility???
Also maybe thyroid issues/low iron etc or maybe the start of menopause.
Also check yourself for any lumps etc, note everything..any change in bowel/urine frequency. Any bloating etc
More than likely it is nothing sinister but mothers tend to be so so busy looking after everyone and everything else we always put ourselves on the back burner.
Get to the Gp and get a full check up.
You are no good to anyone else if you're not well yourself.

Perhaps have your bloods checked just in case, eat the right foods and think of looking into laundry services and shopping online.

Good luck OP