To feel sad and fed up

[FrothyFern]

Tonight I got home and DP had ordered takeaway, he tried to call me knowing I was in a meeting and then would be driving. He didn't get me on the phone so just ordered for himself and DS instead of waiting till I got home or even ordering for me.

At the time, I wasn't too fussed and planned to just share some of DS(9)'. When it arrived I brought a plate through and DS started saying he didn't want to share. I'm not proud of it but I just said "fine" put the plate down and went to bed. I could hear DP trying to cajole him and tell him off but I was pissed off at his selfishness.

As a one off this might not seem like a big deal but I am so tired of their selfishness. It doesn't matter how much I do for either of them I have to fight and bribe and beg to get anything in return.

Everything I do is with them in mind- I do more or less everything for both of them and I honestly don't complain or act like they owe me anything at all. I like doing things to make life easier and more pleasant for them- even when I'm working I take on most things at home too.

DS can be very thoughtful and kind but alot of the time difficult and selfish too. DP is wonderful in many ways but its the sfishness with both of them that upsets me. I feel like im not as important to them as they are to me.

I don't do it to get anything back but given how much I do for them I don't think its unreasonable to wish they'd think of me now and again.

Recently I've felt like I'm only worthy of DP's affection and attention when he needs something from me and its making me feel like crap.

Sorry for TMI but tonight in bed he initiated things and let me finish him off then rolled over after barely touching me. Given how things are in the rest of our relationship atm I'm left thinking he only started being affevtionate in the first place so I'd give him what he wanted and he wasn't really interested in me or anything mutual.

I'm so fucked off and fed up with it and I know I'm being a pushover, I just feel like they should want to be kind to me, not just do it because I've had to spell it out for them.

It's very selfish on all counts. I would say you actually under played it and should have made a big deal about it. Your DH behaved very selfishly in bed too, seems like a pattern.

I think you should google 5 love languages. Yours is acts of service. You show love in the way you want to receive it - by doing nice things without being prompted. But they dont show or feel love in the same way.

Why did you just walk away instead of confronting both of them there and then? You could have asked why they didnt order for you and how do they think it makes you feel. If you dont tell them they wont know its an issue and wont change.

I think your DP is at fault here, not your DS. You basically gave your DS the message that he has to share and be kind but his step-dad doesn't.

Your DP should have ordered enough food for the three of you. And then when he realised you wanted food, he should have taken some off both plates to give to you. Not left you to persuade a child to share their food.

I just don't get blaming a child when the adults have created the position of there not being enough food to go round?

I agree OverOn. I wouldn't expect my child to give up some of his food because my adult partner had been selfish and thoughtless.

Ditto.

OH should have shared his, not the child.

OP

Sometimes we get treated like a doormat because we act like one.

I am not suggesting you get angry.
I am suggesting you find some self respect.
Respect yourself and others will follow.

I do more or less everything for both of them

let me finish him off then rolled over

Seriously?

I am also a little concerned about how you are lumping OH and DS together as "they".

The dynamics of your relationship should be completely different for each of them.
One is a child, and you should be expected to do things without reciprocation, he is a child after all.
Your OH is a different matter.

Why did you just walk away instead of confronting both of them there and then? You could have asked why they didnt order for you

redexpat- it wasn't "they" who ordered, it was the grown up.

The 9 year old should not be confronted in this, it wasn't his responsibility.
I would suggest any "confrontation" should be done out of earshot of the 9 year old. It's unfair to blame him.

You are directing your annoyance at the wrong person. Your adult DP is the one at fault. I can understand why your hungry 9 year old didn't want to give up some of his dinner. Why should he when his DSF doesn't? As for the rest it doesn't seem like your very happy with your DP.

Your partners behaviour is frankly worrying.

Would your son normally eat a dish by himself?

If so, I don't really think he did anything wrong TBH. It's not his fault you married a selfish/thoughtless idiot. Why didn't you take half of your husband's dinner instead? He's the adult who was responsible for ordering the food.

holeinmyheart "Being blokes it probably didn't cross their minds about you and your needs" bullshit! He's an adult and perfectly capable of behaving like one.

OP your DP behaved appallingly - not ordering you food is un fathomable to me and then when it arrived why didn't he offer you half of his.

The fact that you then had sec with him later makes me feel so sad for you - he's sounds awful!!

This is problem with your selfish arse of a partner - not your nine year old son.

Why didn't he share?!!

So many of my friends often say things like 'oh it's because he's a man' and I refuse to agree with that! It's such a cop out. I don't accept that. He's an adult he should behave like one. And I'm amazed you allowed him any activity let alone sleep in the same bed after he didn't order you food.

Maybe I have a seriously warped view here (and maybe thats why im such a doormat!) but I feel like I shouldn't need to get angry in order for them to be kind.

I think (from long experience of thinking the same way) that your view is indeed warped. I suspect, like me, you were raised to think that putting others first is the right thing to do. Now you are learning that not everyone else has learned that, and it puts you at a disadvantage.

Looking at your statement, it concentrates on them. You are right, you shouldn't need to get angry in order for them to be kind. You can't change their behaviour. Only the way you respond to it. What you are doing now isn't working for you.

But if you analyse what's happening, you are indeed getting angry... then taking that anger into yourself and trying to deal with it internally, rather than take proactive steps to change your situation. You will build resentment that way, which is very destructive.

I'm not very good at this either, but if my DH does something these days that I feel is inappropriate, I will take my anger, try to keep it within my control (because I dislike feeling I lost control) BUT I will calmly explain to him what he just did and how it made me feel.

So perhaps, "I don't really understand why you didn't buy me a meal as well. I would have preferred it if you had done that. Now I'm home and I'm feeling rather sad. For now, I'm going to get myself a takeaway, but next time, even if you can't contact me, please do get me something.'

Don't suffer in silence. Even you recognise you were cutting off your nose to spite your face. Then you allowed him to take advantage sexually. Did you really want to have sex, after what he did. Change our reactions. And if he still doesn't change, even after you have made yourself very clear, then I think you need to evaluate whether this is a relationship worth having. Especially if it is having an impact on the way your son is with you. Is this a role model you want for him?

Your son is learning from his father, this is what happened with my parents too. Stand up for yourself with your DH and set standards you expect from him & son will follow suit. More respect required here.

Thanks for all the replies. If you read the whole thread I have admitted that it's my DP I am upset with and not DS.

To clear up a few points:

counter and overon I never said there was no food in the house, but would you be happy coming home and fixing yourself beans on toast while the rest of the family is tucking into a nice takeaway?

I'm not blaming DS for DP not ordering me anything but given that he had a huge portion of something we both like (twice as much as he would normally eat) I don't think it was unreasonable to expect to share- we have split a portion of that in the past so its not like I was leaving him hungry. He left more than half of it in the end.
DP had something I don't particularly like and that comes in a much smaller portion- more appropriate for 1 than 2. There was plenty of food for 3 people which is why I didnt make a big deal at first when he hadn't ordered separately for me. DS didn't want to share, DP offered to but I declined (as I said cuttinf off my nose to spite my face a bit).

Lostsight your post is spot on. I need to change how I deal with it rather than expecting them to change. Thankyou.

That's not what Lostsight is saying. She's saying 'take proactive steps to change your situation' by telling them how this makes you feel, and then if your DP doesn't change his behaviour in response, you should be reconsidering the relationship. So yes, you should expect change. You seem to have already talked yourself out of that idea.