Do I confront him or not?

[upsetanddontknowwhattodo]

To give you all the info and avoid drip feeding...
DH and I have a 14mo DS, since he was born I can count on one hand how many nights out I've had with friends, I think DH and I have only been out 3 times together. DH goes out on average 2/3 times a month usually for most of the Saturday then has a long lie on the Sunday. I've probably had about 5 long lies since DS was born. It's not that DH wouldn't get up with him but there always something to do on the days that DH isn't out so I don't really get a chance. He's also had 3 weekends away with his friends and a full weekend in the house to himself when i took DS to visit a family member as he said he would rather not come. Even the night of my 30th birthday party after getting home I was up with DS overnight then up at 6 in the morning the next day. All fine so far, yes sometimes I resent how unequal it is but I don't get my knickers in a twist about it.

Anyway his text messages must automatically back up to our shared laptop and when I was looking for a file I came across them. I never thought I'd be one to snoop and I wish I hadn't, my only defence is I saw my name when I opened one without knowing what the files were so I was curious.
I didn't read them all but enough that I'm really upset with him, basically lots of chat with his friends and in them they're talking about nights out / weekends away etc and DH kept making out Im basically some controlling / nagging wife. Things like he might not be allowed to do something, his friends asking how he was managing to get two nights out in a row and he said only because i was coming on one of them, he had invited two of his friends over here on the morning before going out one day and one said 'better not upset will be mad', I wouldn't be mad at all but he didn't stick up for me, just laughed and said we'll go to the pub then. Saying he was going to take DS to stay at his mums one night (at the end of the month) so I can have a night off and lie in and 'do you think she'd do that for me?' Friend replied 'probably not but good to have in the bank' erm what about the 4 full weekends he's had plus numerous nights out A lot of talk about doing stuff for me to 'have in the bank'. Basically it all comes across as the only reason he does anything for me is to get a night out in return, the only reason he spends any time with us at the weekend is because he wouldn't be 'allowed' to go out every weekend. He was invited on a week long holiday which he turned down saying he'd better not or he'd get grief (erm how about saying my wife looks after my ds 24/7 so it's probably not fair if I go away yet again)
I don't understand why he's being so horrible about me to his friends and from comments they've made back they clearly think I'm this horrible controlling wife and I'm really not. Im mortified, we're meant to be going out for a meal with a few of these people at the end of the month (which I was going to leave early from to relieve mil who is babysitting) to allow DH to stay out with his friends! I don't even want to go now Im so embarrassed that's what they all think of me.
I noticed none of them were being so disrespectful about their wife's and partners.
It's like he doesn't love me at all
Do I say something to him? I mean I can't change his attitude can I?

What everyone else has said (i do like SemiNormal's approach)

Complete disrespect and an absence of love there, for both of you.

I'd calmly talk to him as soon as he gets home (have DS elsewhere if you can) and say you've realised today that your lives aren't what you thought and that he's not happy and doesn't like you or DS at all just sees you as an obligation as so your freeing him from that obligation of that's how he feels then hand him the messages printed out and tell him to sit down and read in one go the way he speaks about you and this shows how he really feels right?? If he is anything other than remorseful and looks genuinely ashamed and has an epiphany of how he's been portraying you then it'd be over for me and show his family the message printouts then there's no bulshitting about you blowing it up out of proportion!

I'd be absolutely fuming if I was in your shoes OP. You have to say something. I think it's interesting that none of his friends slag off their partners yet he's happy to slander you to anyone who will listen. I doubt it's just his friends he says that kind of hateful rubbish to. The bizarre way he perceives you and your relationship is probably on display to everyone behind your back. He is an epic tosser. Pull him up on it now.

I think you've got enough in the bank to see a solicitor.

Confront
Ask if its how he really feels or just using you as reason for not wanting to go out with the boys all the time
I know a few men who use the wife/children to get out of participating with they mates rather than just being straight with them
If its how he really feels you need to talk it through & govfrom there
If its just his excuse (my controlling wife) you need to be clear it isn't acceptable & he should just be honest with the boys not use you & son as excuse
Either way its disrespectful towards you & son x

Yes definitely confront him, I can assure you it will only get worse. My DP used to tell to anyone who was going to do a job for us, ie; plumber, electrician etc that it was too expensive because I had said so. (I hadn't it was him moaning about price!) He also started doing the Mummy says you have to go to bed now, mummy says you have to eat your vegetables, mummy says you can't have that. So I stamped that out pretty sharpish. It is all so they can be seen as the good guy whilst you are the nagging one who is a real harridan.

Don't confront him - just yet.
Save screenshots of the messages somewhere he doesn't have access to.

Then sit him down and tell him things have to change as YOU are not getting an equal amount of free time/lie in etc.
Tell him you're getting increasingly pissed off that he 'can't' see he's taking the piss.
Then decide on a new rota/routine that gives BOTH of you equal child-free time.

See what/how he responds to that.

Keep noseying on his messages....it will be interesting to see what he says to his mates once you DO put your foot down.

In my opinion, guys chat shit like this because it gives them a convenient 'excuse' to get out of things.
For some it's so they come across as the hard done by guy, so others will give them more leeway when it comes to taking liberties.
It's an ego thing - "i'm such a good catch, look at the lengths she goes to keep (control of) me"

His friends are not stupid - as you can see they've questioned his bullshit themselves.
It could just be the kind of male banter that goes on amongst his friends....some weird one-up man-ship where they get brownie points for being 'under the thumb'....

I really don't think it's wise to confront him about the messages until you've had a conversation about making things equal/fair.
His attitude and behaviour with regards taking a more hands-on role as a parent/partner is more important right now.

Depending on hos that conversation goes, you can judge whether to let on you know about his trash talking of you.

If you are going to confront him - tell him you've been told/overheard that he's been trash-talking you to people.

If he knows you have access to his messages he'll change the settings and you'll never know whether he's changed his behaviour.

Everytime he does it....you confront him with what 'people have told' you....he'l ask his mates if they've been telling tales, they will of course deny it....but the more he keeps getting pulled up on it, the less inclined he will be to 'confide' in his mates like this

I've done something similar with an ex in the past and got them to modify their behavior without ever having to actually 'confront' them

I'm not surprised you are upset, I would be too. He sounds quite immature, do his friends have children yet? I wonder if he actually means half of what he says, he may be using you as an excuse to turn down nights out instead of just saying he wants to be at home with you and see his son.

Not sure what I would do about confronting him. It would be hard not to explode in rage at the injustice of it all.

Yes, you do confront him. Fiercely!

I would be absolutely furious.
He sounds like an immature dickhead and who wants to be married to one of those?
When you confront him, perhaps point out that all of these comments are about parenting his own child, because that's the issue when one parent wants to go out a lot - who will look after their child?
It's utterly disrespectful to you and it sounds very much like his son is a huge inconvenience to him.

I'm a long time reader of MN but never really thought about signing up until I read this - because it resonates so much.

My DH goes out all the time drinking after work with his colleagues and yes it does annoy me but I've never said anything because he is a grown man. The other week he went out despite saying he would definitely be coming home after work (I was a bit annoyed but didn't say anything). He said he'd have one drink and then come home, fine. Except it wasn't one drink (it never is) and then he comes home with a ton of apologies and says he didn't want to stay out and he wanted to come home blah blah blah. Anyway, back to the point - the next day there were messages on his phone (I wasn't snooping, he'd asked me to get his phone and look for something on it) and they were from his work colleagues saying lots of similar things to what your DH said about you.

I felt like they were taking the mick out of me and making a whole joke about it and I didn't even care that he went out anyway. I know I've made it about me but I just wanted to explain - I know how you feel and it really really hurts and you don't know what to think. I think they are probably both being idiots around their friends but that doesn't make it right and you deserve an awful lot more respect than your DH seems to be showing you.

Sorry for the long post, I haven't said anything that could help you but I hope you know that there are people out there who understand how you feel.

I would 100% confront him.

It looks to me as if he knows he is useless around the house and with your DS etc and is trying to cover his back. His "mates" will think he is this hard done by lad with a nagging/controlling wife, when in reality you are keeping the family going at this stage.

Also start spending more time on yourself. Get a girls night out, even if it's just to the cinema or arrange a catch up on a Sunday you know he will be hungover and will have to look after DS :)

Sorry I can't reply to everyone but just to answer a couple of things.

I'm 30, he's 32. DS was very much planned by both of us (I actually suggested waiting another year before trying but he was keen to start). The thing is I don't even want all these weekends away and nights out, I want to spend time with the three of us.

I'm more sad than angry. When did I go from being the person he had fun with to this horrible person he's making me out to be? Ok we don't go to music festivals or weekends away getting pissed together anymore but we have a baby!

I'm so so sad and if this is truly how he views our relationship then there's no point in being together. Everyone knows the baby / toddler years can be tough and restrictive but you weather the storm as a team surely?!

Oh op that's awful.

My dh doesn't like 'boys nights'. He'd much rather have time alone to work on a project or read a book.

Our joint friends' husbands are always asking him on nights out and he always turns them down with an excuse that's based around me!

I bollocked him and told him to stop making me look bad to get out of stuff.

Then when we were driving along somewhere one day he asked me to text a client for him from his phone, a text from one of the husbands (I'm good friends with him and his wife) came in saying 'nice for her, why does that mean you can't leave her and come?'. I opened the thread and it was about night out I'd been trying to get him to go on for weeks. He'd refused by saying "if really wanted to come but dontstop has made plans for us with her friends and expecting me to go that that. So bummed I'm missing out."

Fucker! He's arranged for us all to go out with some extremely boring boaty families I'm not even that keen on for the evening yet was making me look like a controlling wife! And like spending time with me and ds was boring!

Anyway, I was extremely hurt, I can only imagine how you fell as it's on a much larger scale. Hurt because he appears to not want to be with you and angry he's making you look like a dick.

I actually burst in to tears and he (I think) had the decency to feel guilty.

Next time we were all out together and they were talking about the boys night i said "yeah I tried hard to get him to come but he arranged a night out with xxxx friends instead, bit annoyed he felt like he had to use me as an excuse because he didn't want to go."

op. Definitely talk to him about it.

He sounds like a banker
Perhaps go on the night out, then afterwards comment that his friends seemed off to you, did he know why?
Or if there's a discussion where you can say something like "oh no, I would never stop dp from doing that". Show him up.
Good luck , sounds horrible

My husband hasn't done anything to this level (that I know about!) but did used to cancel on friends using me as an excuse. I stamped on that shit hard - I will not be his scapegoat when the truth is I want him to go out occasionally. I go out loads so it'd make me feel less guilty if he went out too and sometimes I want a night in on my own to watch crap without him sighing next to me
I'd confront him, and don't accept anything less than a grovelling apology. He's made you look bad and it's hard to come back from that as anything you say to his friends sounds like you're protesting too hard "no really I WANT him to go out with you..."

I would print the messages out highlighted plus the calendar also highlighted. Go for the meal, leave early to relieve mil as planned and dump the evidence on the table so his mates can digest it too.
Awful behaviour.

I'd be tempted to show MIL too. Let her see how he's nasty about you to his friends. Hopefully, she'll give him a tongue lashing.