WIBU just to bugger off for the day and leave them to it?

[AveEtVale]

Apologies that This will be long because I'm upset:

DH is having surgery on Friday- elective for an ongoing condition. He is not currently sick. He will be out of action for a week or two afterwards and need plenty of rest and tlc, and a special diet. All fine.

We have DS1(3) and DS2(10 weeks), and because he knew it would be a bad couple of weeks running round after the three of them after Friday, DH said last week that today as he's off work he'd give me a bit of a break/ we could do something fun that I wanted to do. Not necessary but very nice. Last night we were talking about what to do and I said the only thing I really wanted was a bit of a lie-in. DH wasn't happy as he's had a bad few shifts at work, and is tired, but kind of agreed. So:

-Last night we went to bed at 10. He went out like a light, I was up until 11 feeding and settling the baby.

-At 2 DS2 woke up, had a quick feed and went back to sleep. DH snoring away.

-At 3 DS1 woke up and wandered in to us. I woke up but didn't want to disturb DH and the baby so just let him get in bed with us and he went back to sleep. So did I.

-At 5 DS2 woke up for another feed, and was just going off back to sleep at 5.45 when DS1 woke up, wanted to get up etc. I tried to get them both back to sleep but about 6.20 decided to give up.

(^ this is by no means a particularly bad night for us at the moment. And I deal with 90% of night-time shenanigans, partly as DH works shifts and partly as I'm the one with the boobs and there's no point us both being awake.)

So, anyway, I asked DH to get up with them at about 6.20 so I could go back to sleep for a little bit and he basically refused. Said he was still exhausted and wanted to be in 'good physical shape' for his surgery on Friday. I called him selfish and flounced out of bed pulling the duvet off as I went .

Now it's nearly 8am WIBU to go and plonk the (sleeping again) baby on top of him and bugger off out by myself for the day. DS2 is bf but there's plenty of milk in the freezer. I know this is petty and the day is still rectifiable - he's often pretty nasty when first woke up despite being otherwise lovely and we usually get over it- but I'm just utterly fed up. Ftr I had similar elective surgery when DS1 was seven months old and spent the days leading up to it tidying and making sure there was shopping in etc to take the burden off him looking after both of us. Not bloody sleeping to make sure I was in peak physical condition . I appreciate he's very tired from work (constantly changing shifts and a particularly tough one the other night) but I'm knackered too! And I quite like the idea of going and sitting in a nice cafe with some coffee and cake and a book and nobody attached to me for a few hours...

YANBU, he's being monumentally selfish! 'Good physical shape' my arse, he's had over 8 hours of sleep! (I dream of such bliss - DS is 9 weeks old and a rubbish sleeper!).

Do it - wake him up, tell him he's in charge and bugger off for a few hours (but don't forget your pump or you'll be mighty uncomfortable!).

On an oridinary day I'd agree with you. As your DH has surgery coming up soon, even though you ran around getting everything stop shape before you had the same procedure, I personally think you could perhaps cut him some slack this time?

This is an arguement/discussion for another day.

DO IT! you absolutely must!

What's all this guff about being primed for surgery? I recently fractured a major bone and had surgery, no time to prepare and I recovered well. You sleep through it anyway

I'd be out the bloody door by now if I were you! Get ready, pop the baby down, let husband know you're off out and don't look back until at least dinner time.

*ship shape

God-awful autospell!

If you're still in the house, YABVU. Go!

You don't need bed rest before surgery - in fact that's the worst possible way to optimise your condition preoperatively. He needs to be up, dressed and moving around.
Don't let him milk it too much postoperatively either. Pyjama paralysis is a well recognised condition. Enhanced recovery programmes call for people to be up and about getting on with life as quickly as possible.

YWNBU to do exactly as you mention.

It really pisses me off to think you weren't allowed a lie in because your husband was tired after all that sleep! (9.5mo twins here still waking several times through the night and average morning wake up of 6:20am here so totally get that sometimes the only thing you want in life is to lie in bed till 8am)!

What a selfish uncaring prick, what right has he got to throw tantrums in the morning to get his own way?
Absolutely do it, he'd be getting bare minimum after his surgery too, fed and watered and help to the loo but no sympathy from me at all.

Go!

Your husband is being very unreasonable and selfish.

Well I did it and now feel totally shit. Sitting in costa trying not to cry into my latte. He's not actually particularly selfish just TERRIBLE where his sleep is concerned. He was furious when I woke him up and said I was going and in fairness I think I would be if he'd done that to me. He'd have been fine having the kids while I went out for a few hours later - I just feel shitty for dumping him with a grizzly baby as his wake up call. And I feel crap for leaving DS2. He doesn't need a feed, just putting in the sling/ helping to nap for an hour or two but I think DH might be too worked up to think of that for a while. Ugh this is horrible. I feel like I've ruined the whole day when if I'd just sucked up him not getting up, I could have taken him a coffee instead of a grumpy baby and he'd probably have apologised and got up with good grace to let me go back to bed. Argh.

I wasn't/ am not even angry with him just sad he doesn't seem to think about me much any more. He was brilliant after DS1 was born but this time its coincided with something particularly stressful happening at work and that and the upcoming surgery have really stressed him and taken it out of him and it's like he's got blinkers on. Plus DS2 is actually a really easy baby so I think he doesn't see me needing as much help.

Your husband slept all night? Yet you feel bad. All you asked for was a lie in.
I'm sorry but he sounds like a twat.

Right now you've got all that guilt out, let it go. Sometimes you just have to make a stand. Your bloke is behaving selfishly and needs to be told.

If you go home and he's still got a cob on, tell him you want to talk to him when you both get a quiet chance to sit down and carry on with your day.

Tell him how his actions make you feel.

Tbh I think the fact that you are feeling rubbish now is going to ruin your day and I think I would Park what just happened and I would buy him a latte too and a cake and head home and try out it behind you for day .
I'm not taking his side here but think you will feel better for it . I hate thinking of you sitting in costa crying .

Been there and done that and my husband is one of the most insensitive prats ever whilst actually being a nice enough person .

Do what works best for you but staying out doesn't sound like your going to have a nice day really .

Massive hugs to you AveEtVale

Fwiw I think you did the right thing. Sounds like DH needed a bit of a shock to realise how much you need a break.

I see what you mean about if you'd just taken him a coffee it would have defused everything, but really - he was being selfish and I don't think he really deserved his wife who is utterly exhausted with looking after children all night bringing him coffee in bed after he reneged on a promise he'd made to let her have a lie in.

Full disclosure: I'm also in the midst of night feeds with ds2 so I feel slightly murderous on your behalf.

Find somewhere nice and green to go for a walk. Much better at lifting the spirits than a coffee.

Itsnice yes maybe it wasn't good advice I gave . I know I have sat in the same position just holding back the tears in the car or a coffee shop feeling completely worthless at times too and tbh I don't think they really give a shit . Suppose I just wanted her to not have a completely miserable day and just park it for the day .
Fwiw I eventually grew a backbone spoke up for what I wanted but when my kids were young I was a doormat .

Sorry riviera I honestly wasn't getting at you, I was just responding to the OP's suggestion of bringing him a coffee.

Lol itsnice I know that . I thought after that perhaps it wasn't best advice . OP hope your day improved a little

Why are feeling bad for giving him the baby? It's his child too. You were up several times in the night, he slept through. He said yes to giving you a lie in then reneged on that. He wants to be in peak physical condition for the surgery? What utter bollocks. It's about time you stopped trying to do everything, OP and make him step up. I hope you didn't apologise when you got home.