To think he should be looking for a new job

[BrokeAndFedUp]

NC, as delicate matter.

We had our first child 8 weeeks ago and I'm on maternity leave now. I started maternity one week before he was born, so whilst last month's paycheck was okay, this one will be half pay.

DP wanted a baby more than me, so i agreed on the proviso that he looks for a better paid job (he's on entry level wage for his sector - work is unskilled so not very high).

I earn more than DP, but I'm not a high earner by any means. With our combined wages we do okay as we live in cheaper part of country, but on just his wage we won't manage when I drop to stat pay.

At the moment, DP pays mortgage, council tax, internet and pet insurance. I pay utilities, home insurance and car related costs (loan for car, insurance, tax) and the majority of the food bill. I also typically buy extras and spend on home improvement. When I'm on stat pay, my wages will just cover my bills, but I will have nothing extra for food and other additionals.

Our house also needs major improvements. In particular, it needs a complete rewrite as I don't think it's safe. I have got a new 0% credit card to cover this as our savings aren't enough, but I won't have the means to pay it off for a while.

DP has zero interest in finances. He doesn't really seem to understand that we literally won't be able to eat in a few months. He has looked at (let alone applied for) zero jobs.

I BF (and DS will not take a bottle) so it would not really make sense for DP to be on paternal leave whilst I work. I know it's possible, but I don't really want to be doing that. And at any rate, DP would still need a better paid job to help with childcare costs.

I'm annoyed that DP doesn't take this seriously. AIBU to expect him to at least be looking for other positions (as he promised me he would)?

What expat says exactly.

Plenty if couples are only made up of one driver, is that really an issue Standingcat. Plenty of people also work in low paid jobs with little to no chance of progressing without some additional training, which cost money, money OP and family don't have.

You should never have agreed to have a baby if there were caveats to it such promising to get a new job, life doesn't work like that.

Do you see him earning more money as a way to make you equals? That won't make you equal.

I earn 4x DH's salary and he is in a low pay/low stress job. This allows me to forge ahead with my career and he takes the lions share of the domestic work and childcare (which is real work.) We are equals.

If he doesn't want to take the lead career wise then he needs to take the lead at home.

If he wont do either,r and expects you to do it all, then he's just a lazy sod and you've bigger problems than this.

If he's low grade civil service, he's not doing high stress and not doing long hours. Tell him to get a second job for a couple of evenings or one day at weekend if he doesn't want promotions. He's a father and now needs to start providing for his family.
I'd urge you not to rewire the house on credit card debt you can't afford to pay back. It's a vicious cycle.

Ok, he doesn't have skills, he doesn't have any willingness to progress in any way shape of form and he doesn't drive.

(Coming off the back of the W1A thread, and channelling Tracey Pritchard...) Not being funny or anything, but what exactly is he contributing to your partnership? All the love and kisses in the world don't pay the gas bill.

He doesn't sound like he even wants to be equal and is happy to sit back and float through life while you do all the work, all the decisions, all the child stuff, basically mother him as well. I believe MN has a name for that type of character.

Are you happy with that as your life?

If he doesn't want to take the lead career wise then he needs to take the lead at home....If he wont do either,r and expects you to do it all, then he's just a lazy sod and you've bigger problems than this

This!

HE wanted a dc - so TELL him he either steps up to fulfil his responsibility as partner/parent or you separate.
You'd manage a lot easier as an official lone parent than you will by staying with him and 'having' to pick up his slack.

I get it I really do but this is who he is and you need to stop wasting time waiting for him to be someone else. You really do need to start basing future financial decisions on who he is and not what you want him to be.

Have you started looking for better jobs too?

A mother can provide financially for a family too. Its not the sole responsibility of the father

Why the hell did you have the baby before he got his shit together? Idk what to suggest I could not stomach a slopey shouldered man like this .

I dont get this.

Did you exepct him the baby to be bring a gift of ambition when born?

You BOTH got swept up in the romance of a holiday. He hasnt changed. He is still happy where he is and for you to be the main earner.

But he does need to take the lead more at home. You are on MAT leave so its probably going to be best to slowly start making him take things on. Pass more and more things to him.

If you both work, you both need to chip in at home and with the running of a home. When both working the higher earner doesnt get to have no responsibility at home.

But you can only do this when you have talked about it. You really need to soend more time thinking about your decisions. Neither of you really thought about this fully.

Handwringing won't change him but if your going to make the best of a bad situation you can no longer wait for a different him to show up. In addition, don't sleep walk into a financial black hole by putting everyday costs on your cc, if you can't increase your income then you will have to cut expenditure.

Moving forward you are going to have to get a lot tougher, if he wants x, y or z in the future then, he not only has to have a plan to pay for it but the plan has to be working before you'll commit. Actions speak louder than words and all that.

I understand that you must be very frustrated and angry at being 'had' by someone who supposed to love and respect you but now you really know who he is, you can (if you can be bothered) base future decisions on the real him.

With a baby, and you on maternity pay, your circumstances have quite substantially changed, so you may find you are now eligible for tax credits. Definitely worth applying anyway.

A mother can provide financially for a family too. Its not the sole responsibility of the father

Considering that I do earn more, and will continue to be the higher earner when I return to work after Mat leave, I'm not really sure what your point is.

Wanting DP to have look for a slightly better wage so we have a high income whilst I'm on Mat leave is not really unreasonable.

I think that some of you have hit the nail on the head in that we are incompatible. I've always had more ambition and drive. I make our holidays happens, or trips out and he just kind of comes along for the ride.

We've been together for a decade and he's always been lazy, so I suppose I've just been a bit stupid in thinking that this would change him.

He is great in other ways - he will do any chore I ask him to do (though note, I have to ask specifically as he'd never think or notice on his own), and he has been great with our DS and will take him away for as long as I need.

I'm not sure what to do really. I love him, but then I never really imagined this would be the kind of relationship I end up in. I think it was easier to brush over all of this before baby as I had more independence and just did things I wanted to do.

Wanting DP to have look for a slightly better wage so we have a high incomewhilstI'm on Mat leave is not really unreasonable.

But neither was your 'lets throw caution to the wind and ttc even though i am fully aware of your flaws and dont want those flaws in the father of my child'

So you knew he was lazy for a decade and thought a baby would make him stop being lazy? Okay then. I await a thread in 11 years time with you raging about him not bothering to submit a grammar school application...

I always scratch my head over the type of women who let these types impregnate them. I think they live in the here and now and don't realise the cute and funny but lazy guy is tolerable when young but as they age it gets old pretty quickly especially when combined with a lack of money.

I had an ex-boyfriend who said he'd love to be the father of my child. A more easily flattered woman would've gone with it. I made sure I didn't get pregnant because I knew he wasn't father/long term partner material. Last time I saw him (many years later) he said he had 4 kids by 3 different women so I guess there are a lot of easily impressed suckers all out there.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

He'll never change. Not sure what that will mean for the rest of your leave. People on MN always seem to take these year long mat leaves, but in your situation I think I'd aim to go back to work asap rather than get into more debt. People are aghast at parents putting babies into childcare, but in a lot of the world that's how it's done as people cannot afford to not work for so long. Be very careful about accruing more debt because your relationship might not last. I couldn't be with someone so childish and lazy.

I think it's probably important to note that there are plenty of good qualities about him too, otherwise I wouldn't have entertained the thought of living with him let alone having a child together.

I just completely overlooked how much of an impact a lack of ambition would mean to me in the long term. It's only now with hindsight that I see it has been important to me.