To tell her how important she was?

[devonbookworm]

As a child I craved mother figures, as my mother was physically and emotionally abusive, and is so damaged herself that she really cannot parent or offer any unconditional love. Despite this I have had a good life, thanks to a lovely Dad, but also to two teachers who I thought the world of, and who I used to wish were my mother. One died eleven years ago. Not a day has gone by without me thinking of her. The other is someone I contact maybe at Christmas, but quite rarely. I was so aware of being needy and attention seeking as a child that I left her alone when I left school, though did write to say the reason I'd taken her subject at university was because of her. I have now written a book and am going to dedicate it to her as a thank you. She knows I thought she was a brilliant teacher. Should I leave it at that? Part of me wants her to know that I wished she'd been my mother and that the fact I've come out of my childhood ok (unlike my sister) is to a great extent because of her steady kindness. Or is that too much and liable to embarrass us both? The mother figure stuff would be a private message, not part of the dedication. i do realise that that would be too much!

Agree with everyone else regarding telling her.
I had a similar situation but with a nasty abusive Dad. I had a male teacher at school when I was around 8 who was lovely. He made me realise not all men shouted nastily if you weren't perfect and he lied on my school report because in his words he "knew what your dad would do to you if it was less than perfect". My dad expected 110% results all the time. Anything less was completely not acceptable (although he never held himself to the same standards). Mr L-F told me so long as you always try your best you have never let yourself down.
He helped change the direction of my life at around 8 years old and was one of the few moments of kindness I remember. I tried to contact him but unfortunately he died some years ago. I spoke to his son and explained how he'd been to me. He shared that with his mum. Both were touched I'd taken the time to message and said it mattered. He loved teaching and did it to make a difference and knowing that 25 years on people are still remembering means his legacy is still going.

I think she will love the acknowledgment.

My mum was a teacher, and recently one of my friends realised through a Facebook post who she was.
She posted on the photo how lovely mum had been to her at school, how much it had meant to her, and how she had ended up with a career in the same field - because of mum.
I can't tell you how much that meant to my mum - she was so incredibly touched.

Do it.

When my English teacher and deputy head retired as head of the school some fifteen years after I left I wrote to wish him well on his well deserved retirement because he'd been a brilliant teacher and I'd wished I'd have been there when he was head because he really took the school forward.

He actually wrote back to say that he'd received so many cards and letters from former pupils he found it incredibly moving because he had no idea he was popular and actually thought he probably wasn't!

Please do it. I had a random message from someone last week that i gave a job to about 15 years ago saying thank you for giving him a chance! He had been on some course where they had to identify when their life had changed and he suddenly realised it was me! I was really touched and it gave me some validation at a difficlt point in my life

Your post is lovely, OP, really very heart felt. Could I make one small suggestion if you are going to write to her? Part of me wants her to know that I wished she'd been my mother might be better phrased as I wish I'd had a mother like you, it just sounds a little less intense.

I still think of teachers I have 30 odd years ago with much fondness and yes, some of them made a difference

This such a lovely thread. To the OP - yes - do it. I guess the teacher will be pleased. Also all the people who read it will take a second to think about those who matter to them and whose words or actions have made a difference. It will be a counter to the attitude of suspicion and criticism that seems to be prevailing at the moment.

I absolutely believe in human interaction. We don't always get it right but a smile, some help, a kind act makes such a difference on a day to day basis and sometimes a little care changes a life.

And well done you OP for transcending such a difficult start,

I agree with Darcey, I think it would be lovely to tell the teacher how much her support has meant to you but probably wouldn't say "I wished you had been my mother" - that is indeed rather intense and - perhaps something like "your constant support meant so much for me when I had a mother who couldn't give that".

MAybe, once the book is actually published, send her a signed copy (or just a copy) and include a letter with your message and a thank you for helping you achieve this and everything else.

And then just send your Christmas card as normal.

Do it 🌷

Some people are far too scared of being honest or open. Please tell her that you wished she'd had been your mum. It's how you felt. There's no need to hide behind 'I wish I'd had a mother like you'. If you're going to tell her how much she meant to you and helped you, then do it openly & honestly.

I'm another one saying do it! I got tired a long time ago of saying nice things about people at their funerals, and regretting that I'd never told them face to face how much they had meant to me.

If you think "I wish you'd been my mother" is a bit much, there's a lot of ways to say that without using the m-word - mentor, guide, "your influence on me when I was a child was what got me through childhood and enabled me to have a good adult life", and so on. There's many ways to say it.

"your constant support meant so much for me when I had a mother who couldn't give that".

I think this - from Yika - is a good way of phrasing that.

Send her a copy of the book, with a note about what you've said in your OP. It's a lovely lovely thought.

And I agree about "sins of omission" being much more cause for regret than "sins of comission" - although this isn't a sin!!!

Oh yes op tell her.

I had a lovely English teacher at school and on my last day I told her she meant a lot to me and that her helping me meant the world.

She cried her eyes out and gave me a massive hug and said she would never forget me.

Just having to clear the lump in my throat after your post, but wanted to say go for it, what a lovely gesture. Also to add that if you can contact the family of the teacher who died, a card to tell them you think of her every day and how much you valued her would be amazing. When my granny died, we had a card from a man we'd never met with a memory of her that summed her up to a tee-it really touched me that he'd gone out of his way to write to us.

Thank you all so much for getting back - I've loved reading some of these stories and hearing about how such special people have really helped teenagers.
I'm very grateful to tiesthatbind and mcavity for sounding a note of caution, and to those of you who thought that it was a bit too intense. I do, actually, feel a bit guilty and disloyal to my mother about it, but whether she could help it or not, she made things very hard. So I've drafted something and in about a million years I might overcome the embarrassment and send something along the lines of:

It wasn’t just the teaching, though obviously I’m really grateful for that. Things were often difficult at home, as my mother had a lot of mental health problems that saw her admitted a fair bit to hospital and that also meant she was just too damaged to parent us. My Dad was great, but really what saw me through to being okay as an adult was that, while she was hitting us and shouting about how awful we were, I’d think about how unfailingly kind you and Miss M were. That steady kindness helped so much when I had a mother who couldn’t give that and I’ll always be grateful to you for being the person I needed at that time.

Thanks raspberry for the idea about contacting the family of the other teacher - I'll look into that.