How do you combine being kind and not being a mug?

[Pinkpillow22]

I struggle with this. Like lifts, for instance. Driving is an important part of alone and wind down time for me. But is it unkind to ignore someone struggling with two buses and shopping? Bad example maybe!

Who is this person struggling? A stranger?

We need more detail. Who is this person in need of a lift? Colleague, relative, neighbour? Are they asking/hinting or is that you feeling you should offer? Would it be a one off or a regular arrangement?

Have boundaries and stick with them. You need to protect yourself in the long term and stay true to yourself at the same time. It gets easier as you get older if that's any consolation

I think it's a really good thing in this instance to offer a lift if you see them.
I wasn't close to certain people from in laws when I moved so had to be independent as it was difficult being around them but they did have a good side of extending their hand offering lifts if they saw me. I think this little thing in humanity can go far.

mirena coil what's everyone's thoughts and experiences?

There's a difference between offering a lift because you wanted to at that moment and it was fine and convenient to do so, rather than if someone were pressing on you for lift when you did not feel ok about sharing your space with them at that time.

Setting your boundaries are all about knowing that difference and acting as you would prefer rather than how anyone else in the world would prefer you to act.

mirena coil what's everyone's thoughts and experiences

Eh?

No, not necessarily unkind to ignore.

Ask yourself:

• Would they do the same for you? Try asking them a little favour and see.
• Do they value the help or are they taking it for granted? For example do they at least offer to cover petrol costs?
• Do they talk to you even when they don't need a favour (this might seem obvious - but in my case it was frequently no)?
• Are you really the only person who can help, or just the softest touch?

Remember not all relationships are equal - if it is not mutually beneficial relationship then it is acceptable to negotiate something more convenient for you or even walk away. Save yourself for those who matter to you or those who help you out. If anyone criticises say why don't you help out.

It is hard to break the pattern once it is established and there may well be emotional blackmail/ push back, but quality is better than quantity when it comes to friends.

Thank you. I'm using that as an example (it is a work colleague) as it can be hard to get the balance right between being kind and considerate and being taken for a bit of a mug,

For me it is all about considering how I would feel after the event. If I think I would feel neutral (more specifically, no different to before the event) or happy then it is being kind. If I think I would feel hard done by, put out or like I had "done my duty' then that's being mug. It changes depending on my needs and the circumstances. It isn't easy to balance.

I think you don't give more than you are prepared to do for no return. Otherwise you end up resentful.

If driving is an important winde down time for you then you should not be made to feel guilty.

Easier said than done I know.

Personally if someone was going my way I would offer, and likewise if I was the passenger, I would get you a fuel token or a thank you gift. If the passenger was taking the piss and not offering any gestures I would feel taken advantage of and stop the lifts.

Bad example I think. :)

If I'm unsure, I always try to think about whether I would like someone to do x for me or if I'd feel like I'd taken advantage if they did. If I'd feel bad as a recipient then it's maybe moving into "mug" zone.

Also, there's the "I want to do x" vs "I don't want to do x but feel like I have to".

By teaching others that NO is not a dirty word and it isn't rude to sometimes be unavailable due to your own needs. I see posts on here all the time 'how do i say i can't? I don't want to go to xyz how do i say no what excuse' bla bla bla. Just say no. Driving issue - one off fine if you want to. Other times say "sorry i make my phone calls in the car" whatever. Just be firm and keep it simple. If my friends need me i am there but equally i don't mind putting myself first sometimes.

Meh, I've rarely found kindness is abused and don't ever recall being taken for a mug. I think there's a difference between allowing yourself to be used and offering kindness. Kindnesses make the world go round and make the person being kind feel good not resentful. Kindness isn't being a doormat.
That's entirely different from being unable to say no.

What Crumbs said.
I reckon that treating others how you would like to be treated yourself is a pretty good starting point for any decision making.