Why are some people so passive?

[Beardedandbalded]

I just don't get it, especially when it's their children involved. My neighbour, an intelligent, educated woman, is dealing with her child being bullied at school, and yet appears to be going out of her way "not to cause trouble." She has just (rather proudly) told me that she has never ever complained about anything. I don't get it.

Don't ever read the book Brooklyn. The heroine makes Mavis Riley look like Arnold Schwartzennegger.

The film's good though.

And I bet she meant she has never complained about anything to someone who can actually do something about it. Inevitably people who are proud of never having complained are the same people who smile through gritted teeth and say everything is fine, but inwardly they are furious that people can't read their mind and know that actually they are disappointed/hurt/angry.

I'll actively avoid it then!

I consider myself quite empathetic, but dithering lack of assertion makes me stabby because I just can't understand why anyone would go on like this, effectively valuing the good graces of authority over the welfare of their child.

But they're usually happy to complain to anyone who'll listen, just not to the actual person who has provided the poor service or whatever.

I don't think she's furious, traclesoda. I think she's somehow managed to get me to feel that! God I want to shake her.

I was like that, it comes from a family of origin that pretended everything was ok to the outside world, then took it out on each other instead.

You might have something there, she is very much someone who says everything is fine, even when it's quite clear it isn't. It's like if she says it's ok, then it might just ACTUALLY be ok, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

It's how the family functions. If she complains to the correct people they may look deeper into the family, so she takes it out on friends and family because it's safer.

My family crashed when I withdrew myself from that behaviour, people don't like it when a mirror is held up to them.

Loads of reasons.
Loads.
Family upbringing, mainly. Being smacked down for having an opinion a view point and for challenging adults or people in authority.
Zero confidence, people pleasing, bullying mentality, real or perceived.

It's hell, it's difficult behavior to change.
Don't judge, don't get stabby, please, try to understand.

Because some of us are so cowed down by our upbringing that we don't think we deserve any better?

I've noticed that my parents (in their late 70s/80s now) never really challenge authority or question things very much. I think a lot of people are like this. I used to be when I was younger.

I'm being as understanding as I can, but she is hugely letting her child down, and for that, I'm judging. She keeps saying she "isn't a troublemaker" and as a result, won't name to the headteacher the children at her daughter's school, who are bullying her, nor the teacher who knew and didn't escalate it. Needless to say the head said there wasn't much that could be done without that key info.

Her daughter was and is being bullied awfully at school, and begs to stay at home but my neighbour sends her in because the head made a comment the year before about attendance needing to be over 90%, instead of thinking "stuff the %, my child is seriously upset and unwell!"

She will know this and will probably be feeling huge guilt, it's easy to judge and yes it is very frustrating.
I'm passive, reasons already stated, but become a lioness when my kids are involved. I loose my shit. It's my trigger I suppose.

Some people just find confrontation incredibly difficult or anxiety-inducing. People can't necessarily help that.

Family units have different attitudes towards emotions. Some are more acceptable than others so people compromise themselves. Makes them utterly miserable but very hard to unlearn and adopt new behaviours outside their comfort zone.

Oh dear. Her poor DC

It's really difficult and it sounds like maybe she has really low confidence? I don't see why she can't email the school or the head of year directly? At least it's not face to face and she can get across everything she wants to say? I'm a bit scared of confrontation (maybe she is?) but emailing helps I find.

My parents were like that (in their 80s now, having lived through the 2nd world war in an occupied country - pacific theatre). Interesting a poster mentioned the generational thing.

I am not like that at all.

"Loads of reasons.Loads.
Family upbringing, mainly. Being smacked down for having an opinion a view point and for challenging adults or people in authority.
Zero confidence, people pleasing, bullying mentality, real or perceived."

There was physical violence as well ad you quickly learn to back down and appear passive, to literally save your life.

That is exactly were mine came from.

I had to stay with my Grandmother during my first relationship that had DV. Although I was assaulted on her door step and my Partner was banging on the door, her attitude was "not to create a fuss", when I wanted to phone the Police.

You get ground down, over time.

I had to take a assertiveness course, even so, I tend to be passive or blow up.It is only at work that I don't have a problem with up holding Policies etc.