To wonder about depression

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

Probably not the right place to put this. But here goes..

How do you know if you have it? I am struggling with life at the moment. I have a health condition (within the last 10yrs) that I was battling through and controlled by medication. But this last year has floored me. I feel like I am failing at being a human, let alone being a mum, wife and at my job.

I have obviously googled this a lot to see if I need to take myself to the GP to get reffered but then I wonder if I'm being a bit melodramatic. Google will obviously bring up both good and bad stories (if there can be good stories) but I do not seem to fit with some of the descriptions. I do not feel suicidal, and actually have a rather unnatural fear of it (although I do feel as though my Family would do better if I wasn't here as they wouldn't have to deal with my moping around). I also sleep really well at night.

Not really sure of what I am asking. Maybe just your experiences with depression, how it affected you. Or if I just need to pull my big pants up and get on with it and what I'm actually feeling is just a very deep sadness to the way my life has turned out.

Depression affects people in different ways. It sounds like you're depressed and need to see a doctor. You're not being melodramatic. Book an appointment and talk to someone. Good luck.

I always sleep like the dead when I'm really depressed. I can barely get out of bed. It affects everyone differently. Go see your GP.

My depression (about 12 yrs ago) just sort of crept up on me and it was only when I came out the other side of it and looked back it seemed so obvious in hindsight that something was wrong.
Trust yourself, if you feel you're not yourself then chances are you're right.
Book an appt to see your GP as soon as you can , they deal with this all the time and will be able to help. I eventually did just that as I was feeling very similar to the symptoms youve dscribed in yourself, and once I'd made the decision to see my GP I wished I'd done it sooner, sat at home second guessing yourself and Googling things is most definitely NOT the way to go (in my own experience anyway).
I hope you get sorted out, going to talk to someone and making the initial step may be uncomfortable but you'll be glad you did. I hope all works out ok

If you go to your GP and they suspect you may be depressed, they will often ask you a series of fairly clear questions about how often you experience certain feelings (or they might even give you a questionnaire to complete and hand back to them). They then look at your answers and can assess from that how likely you are to be suffering from depression and if so, how severe it's likely to be. That is a pretty good way of knowing whether you are depressed or not.

I know that sounds really black-and-white but if you answer the questions honestly and there is no obvious 'cause' for you to be feeling the way you feel, it is a pretty good indicator of whether someone is just a bit fed-up or whether they are suffering from depression or anxiety and it's used by doctors as a standard tool to assist them with a diagnosis.

By the way, you absolutely do not have to be feeling suicidal to be depressed. Lots of people with depression have never considered suicide. (However, the fact you have an unnatural fear of suicide is perhaps an indication in itself that you aren't feeling too well at the moment, as most people almost never think about the subject at all and don't fear it because they know they'd never do it. I had a preoccupying fear of self-harm when I was depressed.)

I do feel as though my Family would do better if I wasn't here as they wouldn't have to deal with my moping around

This is a warning sign, OP. You don't have to be suicidal to be depressed but feeling as though others would be better off without you is an absolutely classic symptom.

what I'm actually feeling is just a very deep sadness to the way my life has turned out

Depression can absolutely be triggered by real-life events, just as you're describing. It's still treatable. And I used to sleep 14+ hours a day when I was in my worst depression, so that can also be a symptom.

Please go to the GP. You're not being melodramatic and help is available. Good luck x

Thank you for your replies.

Now I just need to get the courage to go to the GP. Some of my close family members suffer(ed) with diagnosed depression (bipolar) . I never really got it and always swore that I would never allow it to affect me so I guess this maybe where some of my reservations have come from

You need to get to the GP and let them do the diagnosis. They are very good with depression these days, and there is absolutely no shame in it. And no, you're definitely not being melodramatic.

I'm suffering from depression but in my case it's connected to my PTSD; I've now been on anti-depressants for 2 years. But I still manage to do all I have to do to look after my 2 DDs.

OP I'm sorry you're struggling. Re "swearing" you wouldn't let it affect you? How can you? You can't swear you will never break a limb or get asthma. It's not something you choose to have.
The thinking they would be better off without you is a massive red flag. That sounds very much like depression talking. Logically you know they wouldn't. It's just you can't see your way out of this.
Please see your GP.

Maybe try this test www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/depression.aspx
Then you would have something to discuss with your GP

Definitely mention to your GP about the bipolar in your family.

Being depressed is an illness, not a weakness. It is treatable and will get better.

I can only give my personal experience. I've always suffered from low moods, apathy, feelings of failure and hopelessness, ever since I can remember (certainly by the time I was six or seven). The suicidal thoughts started to creep in by about ten and were a daily occurrence by the time I was 12.

The feelings and symptoms gradually got worse with the suicidal thoughts being an automatic response to any trigger, no matter how mild. (The slightest problem like even thinking I would miss the bus would lead to a train of thought that eventually ended in my inevitable suicide.) I never made a serious attempt as such, the closest I got was one winter where I went up the cliffs every Sunday morning with the intention of jumping off; ironically the physical exertion and lovely surroundings usually lifted my mood and I was always able to tell myself "next week, not today."

I got help from the doctor when I was 29 as things were completely unmanageable. It's amazing how much you can put up with before seeking help. I feel a lot better now but will be on anti-depressants indefinitely. Cognitive behavioural therapy was a big help - bigger than the drugs I think. With me, it was all about changing my reaction to events and seeing things for what they really were.

Only a doctor can diagnose you and it's worth speaking to them sooner rather than later. If I'd gone when I was 18 or 19, I might have enjoyed my twenties, for example.

I think depression is different from a normal period of low mood in that it is a permanent state. That doesn't mean that the sufferer is constantly suicidal, because as with most illnesses, symptoms come and go. You can have periods where you are much happier, where you think you will be able to cope, but then the feelings return, often with no obvious rational reason.

But if you are feeling hopeless or down to the extent it concerns you, you have little to lose by speaking to the doctor. It might mean you can never get a shotgun licence, but what the hell. It goes without saying that the advice to someone who is seriously intent on suicide in the short term should dial 999, but I hope you are not at that stage.

PP's are right, it does effect everyone differently.

I had an awful bout two years ago this month. It was the first time I'd ever had it and like you didn't recognise it as such for a good while.

Mine wasn't so much sadness as a feeling of just.....nothing. don't get me wrong, I felt very very very dark a lot of the time but my memories are more of a horrible apathy which was very unlike me.

Someone described it at a talk group I went to as 'having a blanket put over you'
It was like I was moving around behind a pane of glass.
I got signed off work and would stare at the ceiling for days on end.
I remember trying to eat something for the first time in weeks and just not caring if I lived or died.
I won a competition that I'd applied for ages before to go to New York and I didn't go. I told them to give it to someone else.
I just didn't care.
I could have won the lottery, or be told I had a week to live and I would have felt exactly the same.
It was single handedly the most harrowing and terrifying experience of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Be open with the GP, they'll probably do a test with you to score how acute it is. Be honest with your answers and take meds if need be. It was only though taking them whilst waiting for counseling that a few of the spring shoots of hope managed to poke through.
pissed off about the New York think though

I do think from my own experience you should see your GP sooner rather than later and let them help you. You do sound depressed to an extent to me. I felt similar. Not suicidal just no joy in anything and an almost constant feeling of low level anxiety and down on myself, lacking confidence and questioning and second guessing myself all the time. Mine is very closely related to hormonal shifts and I noticed a pattern of worsening symptoms around the second half of my menstrual cycle. I am now diagnosed with PMDD and on fluoxetine. I wish I had got help sooner as I was a nightmare to live with or be around. It was like depression. A black cloud over me when it came on. I would have a worry of self harming too and wanting to shut myself away.

It is amazing how you can get so bad and not realise the extent of it till you kind of come out the other side. It creeps up like depression. Getting worse gradually over the years.

Hope you find help soon. You won't regret seeing your GP. X