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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep uncle's death to myself?

28 replies

mintich · 19/09/2017 08:29

My mum has a brother and a sister who she has lost touch with. She is quite an argumentative person and used to argue with them or just go years without speaking.
I think the last time she spoke to her brother was around 1994! But she still says they haven't fallen out, so not sure why she doesn't speak to him.
Anyway I have been researching my family tree and came across his death certificate from 2 years ago. Clearly his family didn't bother to tell our family
I feel like bringing it up will just lead to upset and probably an argument (with me! She tends to lash out at whoever is there)
But I do feel like I'm holding a big secret. I'm not sure she would ever find out unless she tried to contact him, which I'm not sure she would. So do you agree I should just keep quiet or AIBU?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 19/09/2017 08:34

I think I would tell her.

ILoveMyCatss · 19/09/2017 08:34

I honestly would tell her. Would you like this being kept from you? I completely understand what you mean but this is her brother.

demirose87 · 19/09/2017 08:35

I would tell her, it's not right for her to not know about her own brother's death, but for you to also know. I would just explain you've been researching your family tree and came across it and tell her gently.

dudsville · 19/09/2017 08:36

I don't honestly know what I would do in this situation. Could you avoid or minimise her response by letting her know by card/letter?

Udaque · 19/09/2017 08:37

I think it would be best to tell her.

shouldnthavesaid · 19/09/2017 08:37

I think you have to tell her, I know what you're saying but she needs to know Flowers

Original poster
mintich · 19/09/2017 08:43

She can go through depressed periods and since I had my baby, She's been so happy so I've been reluctant to rock the boat, butiknow what you are saying

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 19/09/2017 08:43

Ask her. Does she know you are doing research? If not tell her you will be looking the family tree up, will she want to know what you find out. Ask her if, should she die unexpectedly, you should tell extended family. Sound her out, and then decide what to do.

You could be very casual about it. 'I found out some sad news, recently' 'it's about uncle johnny.' If she answers with an angry I don't care what he's up to, then don't bother. If she expresses interest, go for it.

StellaHeyStella · 19/09/2017 08:50

Tough one op. You can't unknow what you know but it sounds like you, as the messenger of this news, would not come out of the conversation unscathed.
Does your mum normally discuss her siblings or is the subject taboo?
1994 is a long time ago, how old are you and do you remember your uncle?
There's a reason they were NC, that could have a bearing on your mum's reaction if/when she was told the news.

LurkingHusband · 19/09/2017 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
mintich · 19/09/2017 08:58

She hardly mentions her siblings but if she does it's generally negative. But in a very playground way. So she'll continually mention how he said she was too skinny once or that she was too attached to my granny when she was younger. I'm 36 so I was 13 the last time I saw him but only met my uncle three times.
I'm not completely sure why they are NC. My mum tends to take offence at the smallest comments and will just stop speaking to people. She doesn't talk to a few of my dad's siblings either.

OP posts:
Billben · 19/09/2017 09:08

To be honest, no, I wouldn't tell her. She didn't give two hoots about him for 23 years and even your uncle's family didn't bother telling her. If they wanted her knowing they probably would have.

SoggyTuesday · 19/09/2017 09:08

I would tell her, break it to her gently. Who knows it might shake her up enough to reconsider petty differences with other relatives?

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/09/2017 09:11

Play dumb.

If it ever comes up that she has found out act surprised and leave it at that.

Normally I would say tell her but as she is clearly a very prickly "shoot the messenge" type who would probably turn on you, I would stay well out of it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/09/2017 09:13

She didn't give two hoots about him for 23 years and even your uncle's family didn't bother telling her. If they wanted her knowing they probably would have.

And also this.

Lets face it, if she blanked him for 23 years then there isnt much chance that he would have wanted her to know either. She wont reconsider her attitude, she will just have an even better excuse to slag off his family.

LurkingHusband · 19/09/2017 09:14

Oops, wrong thread - sorry Blush

noramum · 19/09/2017 09:22

My dad lost contact with his siblings (big bust up, don't know exactly as I was too young when it happened) but when my dad died my mum send a notice to his siblings.

They didn't answer or even send a condolence card but still I think it is best to know that it happens.

MimsyFluff · 19/09/2017 09:27

I wouldn't tell her either. We are NC with DH's family he has told me not to tell them if he dies before me.

danTDM · 19/09/2017 09:28

Unfortunately, I nearly died two years ago Hmm I was in a coma for a month in intensive care. I am NC with my family, when I came round the nurses all wanted to contact them incase I pegged it. I absolutely did not want them to know. It would have been the worst thing imaginable for me.

I am abroad with my own family.

It was so hard arguing and insisting I didn't want them to know/asked to come (they wouldn't have)

on and on 'let us contact your sister/parents. NO!! It was horrible.

I think your uncle didn't want her to know, people rarely just die and if they do, other members of the family would tell you unless he had said 'do not tell x'

I'd leave it personally. Sorry for this situation.

BTW, I rallied round Grin

Original poster
mintich · 19/09/2017 10:02

@DanTDM glad you are ok now!
Yep clearly his family didn't want her to know. I hadn't actually thought about them in all this

OP posts:
Schmoopy · 19/09/2017 10:09

I'm also inclined to agree that you shouldn't tell her.

Except that it probably feels like it is a big secret to keep.

Thinking about my own situation, there's a bit of me that would want to tell her, if it were me, and when she kicked off say, "and that is exactly why no one told you".

But I also know it wouldn't make any difference. So I wouldn't.

If his family had wanted her to know then she would do. x

DarceyBusselsNose · 19/09/2017 10:14

I would tell her - and she will be upset desite not seeing him since the year dot - because its a slap in face for her and she will have to face up to her own mortality. I would make sure you have read the death certificate, because she' going to ask you how he died - so if you can find any obituaries etc so you can back fill the gaps.

It's no big secret - death certificates are public record.

Anecdoche · 19/09/2017 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

danTDM · 19/09/2017 10:30

Thanks min Smile

sammylady37 · 19/09/2017 10:35

I wouldn't tell her. This is the reality of being NC with people, the one who goes NC has no right to know anything about the other. Clearly his family don't want her to know either and it would be utter hypocrisy for her to weigh in now with drama and make it all about her, which is likely what she'll do, going by your posts.

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